


Dear Maggie

by Jenny0719



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 13:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 76,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenny0719/pseuds/Jenny0719
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A heart leads Bella back home to Forks... and to the brother of the woman who donated it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**I don't own anything Twilight; I'm just playing with what Stephenie Meyer gave us.**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work.**

* * *

Chapter 1

**Bella**

_The City of Forks Welcomes You_

I wasn't entirely sure how I felt at the sight of that sign. It was hard to believe I was actually here, actually doing this, and yet I got strangest sense of belonging as soon as I'd arrived. Like everything that had happened to me was for a reason and that I'd been called back to this place. It was a weighty feeling to have, and it almost made wish that I'd never made that call to Charlie… never driven the seven hundred miles to Amarillo.

_Almost._

I swallowed thickly and let my eyes dart around the town, reacquainting myself with sights long forgotten, such as the diner my father had taken me to every Friday as a child, the turn off that led you to La Push, and the ocean just beyond the trees. There were a few new buildings and shops around as well, and I quickly noticed that while everything held a familiarity about it, it was all so... different to me now. Maybe it was because this summer, I actually had a purpose for being here, rather than just wasting it away with my dad as I'd always done before.

I reached up and felt the long, pink puckered scar that divided my chest, my constant reminder of why I was here and how things could change in just the blink of an eye. One day, you're lamenting over things like history reports and gym class, and the next, you're lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by wires and tubes while a doctor broke the news that your heart was dying, that you'd been born with this...  _defect_  that had been overlooked for years; one that slowly ate away at you while you wandered through life thinking that every fall and every strange shift in your equilibrium was because of some genetic flaw of clumsiness your mother passed down to you, when it was really one that ran so much deeper and created more problems, more pain—both physical and emotional—than you'd ever thought you could bear.

I glanced over at the file folder sitting beside me and had the sudden urge to snatch it up and cradle it to my chest. It held so much information about the girl whose life had ended so mine could finally begin. She'd given me a second chance, and it was hard to reconcile the immense gratitude and happiness I felt for being alive with the guilt and sadness I felt over her life being cut so short and so suddenly.

Those who knew Maggie Carr loved her dearly, and while I knew I had a few people who would have missed me if I'd actually died, I didn't create joy and light in everyone's lives like she did. She was smart and outgoing, compassionate and good, whereas I'd just always floated through life, unsure of both myself and where I was going. I had no real ambitions other than to survive high school and attend college. But Maggie… she had promise.

I sighed heavily and leaned against the door as I stopped at the lone stoplight in town. It seemed like such a waste to me sometimes, a feeling I had, unfortunately, become intensely familiar with over the last few months.

And I had no idea how to shake it.

I made it through town and to my father's house, pulling into the gravel drive behind his cruiser and cutting the engine immediately. I didn't get out, though. I simply sat and stared at the tiny, white house. It was the first summer I'd spent in Forks in seven years, and I had no idea what to expect.

I was set to attend—albeit a year late—the University of Washington in the fall, much to my mother's dismay and fierce objection. I knew how hurt she was when I announced my move and that it was because of my refusal to explain to her why Arizona State no longer appealed to me; why I no longer wanted to live with her. It was hard, but I kept my reasoning a closely guarded secret, knowing that she'd never understand the compulsion I had to learn about my donor and her family, much less spontaneously applying for UDub and packing my bags for Forks.

Even I didn't understand it. I just knew that this—he—was what I was here for.

Charlie opened the door and started down the sidewalk as soon as he realized I was here. His curly, dark brown hair ruffled in the breeze, and he smoothed his mustache down nervously. He'd been alone for so many years now; I couldn't imagine how much of an adjustment me living here was going to be for him.

Lines that hadn't been noticeable three years ago formed around his dark brown eyes as he smiled, and I opened the door and slid out of the truck to greet him. He stiffly wrapped his arms around me briefly, and then stepped back with a flush.

"You made it," he said simply.

"Yeah. I made it. You didn't think I could," I answered teasingly.

He shrugged. "Feeling all right?"

I gave him a look that told him exactly what I thought about that and nodded.

He chuckled, "Old habits die hard. Where's your suitcase?"

"Over on the other side."

He went to the passenger's side of the truck and pulled out my suitcase, handed me the coveted file, and then shut the door behind him on his way back up to the house.

I dutifully followed him through the front door, up the steps, and into the room I'd spent so much time in as a child. Pictures I'd drawn when I was little were still taped to the pale blue walls, and faded, yellow lace curtains still hung on the windows. It was like I'd been flashed back to a time when things weren't so complicated again.

If only it were so easy.

He sat the suitcase down and glanced around, running his hand over his mustache again. My lips twitched with a smile. It was a tic it seemed he'd picked up recently.

"It's not much…" he started awkwardly.

"It's fine, Dad. I promise," I answered with a smile.

"I got you a new bed so you didn't have to sleep on that lumpy, old mattress. The salesgirl picked out your bedding. If you don't like it, we can take it back. I think I have the receipt somewhere."

"Stop rambling; it's good." I glanced over at the deep purple linens. "I might even take it to Seattle with me."

He was visibly surprised. "Oh. All right. I'll let you… do whatever then. I'll be downstairs."

I waited until I heard the door click behind him, and then collapsed on the bed. If there was one thing I loved the most about Charlie, it was the fact that he didn't hover like Renee did.

For the first time in years, there was nothing but silence greeting me.

I was tired from the days of travel, yet too wound up to even think about resting for a couple hours like I knew I should. There was just too much to process. Before, it'd been a vague idea that had eventually snowballed into a plan. And now, now that I was here and actually doing this… It was almost overwhelming.

I dug out the simple, leather bound journal that I'd bought to help sort through all these conflicting emotions and sifted through the pages and pages of letters I'd written to Maggie as the weeks in recovery had dragged on. I found an empty page and started writing what was likely the first of many letters during my stay in Forks to the girl who'd never have the chance to read them.

_Dear Maggie,_

_He's here. I can feel it. It scares me how connected I feel to him already. I don't even know his name, but I know that I'm supposed to meet him. I just wish I knew why. Telling him about you is the only thing I can think of, but it still seems wrong. Like there's more to it, and I'm just not seeing it._

_I sound crazy, right? Sometimes, I think maybe I am. Like the psych eval I had to go under to make sure I could handle this was wrong or altered so I could have the surgery regardless of my mental state. I wouldn't put it past Renee to use the last of her savings and pay off some unsuspecting shrink to save me. After all, I am writing another letter to a dead girl. Just like I have been for months..._

_I'm just confused, as usual. I'll probably spend the rest of my life (however long it actually turns out being) confused. I hate being like this all the time. And while I know there'll never be a simple solution to this, I just wish that it were a little easier. I just want… I don't know what I want. To live, I guess. Since I was faced with the alternative, my life is so much more precious to me than it was before._

_I have you to thank for that. Along with everything else._

I closed the journal and set it on the nightstand, along with my pen. I set the alarm on my phone, and then rolled over and buried my face in my pillow in hopes that I could shut of all these thoughts and fall asleep for a while. Sleep was my only reprieve these days, and I often wondered if maybe I should have refused the surgery, because as much as I loved being alive, a life where your emotions were in a constant state of chaos and your mind couldn't seem to accept this blessing you'd been given was no life at all.

* * *

I dragged myself groggily down the stairs and found Charlie in the kitchen frying eggs for a sandwich. He heard me shuffle over to the sink to get some water from the tap and turned around with a smile.

"Hungry? You missed lunch."

"Not really."

He turned back around to attend to his eggs. "So… you uh, you take a nap or something? I didn't hear you moving around…"

"Yeah. I didn't think I could, but I managed to fall asleep."

He nodded, his head bent down over the pan. "When's your appointment?"

"At four," I answered, taking a deep pull of water from my glass.

"Dr. Cullen's a good doctor. You'll like him."

"Mom thinks I should go ahead and get a specialist in Seattle," I replied.

I could hear his smile in his answer. "And what do you think?"

"I think I'm tired of specialists."

He carefully folded his eggs on one slice of bread and headed over to the table. "Yeah, I figured as much. You know you need a cardiologist, though, Bella."

"I know," I said, sitting in the seat across from him, "but my cardiologist back in Phoenix assured me that Dr. Cullen is capable of monitoring me this summer. Apparently, they've conversed."

He snickered at my description. "So your mother's just worrying like usual."

"Yes."

"You need to call her. She's already called the house twice. I let the machine get it."

I groaned and flopped my head down on the table. "God, why can't she just stop babying me already? I'm a grown woman, for shit's sake."

"Bella." His attempt at scolding was in vain. Laughter tinged his gruff voice, and he cleared his throat trying to cover it up. "You're not that grown. And you've been through a lot. Give her a break."

I groaned again but knew he was right. "I'll call her when I get back later, okay? I kind of need a little bit of time to prepare. She's… insane."

"Insane. Boy, I hope you don't talk about me like that when I'm not around."

I threw him a winning smile and stood up. "Nope. I like to refer to you as robotic."

He rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what was coming next.

"You know, because you're completely void of emotion with the exception of a few small laughs and a smile hidden behind that mustache of yours?" I continued.

"I'm better."  _Since he had to see me wasting away in a hospital bed for months while I waited on a donor match._

The unspoken words hung between us for a moment. Determined not to dwell on how awful my past was, I quickly shook it away and squeezed his shoulder on my way back up to my room. "You are. You gave me a hug when I got here."

"Yeah," he said, shoving his sandwich into his mouth so he didn't have to talk any more about it.

"I'm going to unpack before I leave," I called out to him.

Satisfied with the grunt of approval he gave me, I hurried back up the steps, tripping a little on my way up (even with the new heart, I am still my mother's daughter) and started working on organizing my room.

I didn't have much, but then again, I didn't really need anything more than I'd packed until I left for Seattle. Then, I'd need to figure out how to buy winter clothes. Meaning: I needed to find a summer job. With all the expenses from my numerous hospital stays and the surgery, we didn't have money for things like that, even with the different financial aid programs available for patients like me. In fact, I was seriously debating just buying some sort of parka and trying to make it through the winter without anything else. I had jeans; I had a couple long sleeved shirts. I could probably do it…

If I kept the dorm's heater on high.

It wasn't long before I had my drawers partially filled, the desk set up the way I wanted it, with my laptop plugged in and waiting for me, and clothes hung to cover the expanse of only half the tiny closet.

It was kind of pathetic how little a person can acquire when you practically set up residence in a nearby hospital.

I changed out of the clothes I'd traveled in and into a clean pair of jeans and a shirt that matched the dark purple of my new bedding, hoping that Charlie would understand the meaning behind my choice. He didn't have to scrape up the money to buy me a bed. He didn't have to risk his job or use his connections as Fork's police chief and do all the research on Maggie and her family I'd so desperately wanted. But most of all, he didn't have to let me live here with him while I tried to maneuver my way through this… aftermath. "Appreciative" did not do what I felt justice.

I grabbed my gym bag and shoved a random pair of shorts and tank top inside then found my black Nikes and did the same with those. Charlie had told me about a gym near the hospital, and I wanted to check it out before I came back home. After weeks of required physical therapy—and the fact that this whole experience had been eye opening, to say the least—it had become part of my routine, as weird as that still sometimes felt. I still dreaded stepping foot on the treadmill, afraid that I would trip and fall in front of everyone in the gym, but the alternative—not busting my ass in the gym—was unacceptable. I had to take care of myself now and be more aware of my body's reactions to certain things, especially with the possibility of rejection always looming over me.

I went back downstairs and found Charlie in the living room watching a ball game. I cleared my throat to get his attention and grinned when his head snapped up guiltily.

"I'm heading out. I think I'll go check out that gym you were telling me about before I come back home. Want me to run by the store after I'm done and pick up something for dinner?"

"Uh… you don't have to cook, Bells," he replied, letting his eyes drift back to the TV.

I shrugged. "I need to eat too, you know."

He chuckled and took a pull of his beer, not bothering to say anything more.

"Okay," I murmured to myself slowly. "Looks like he's getting whatever I feel like making then."

I giggled on my way out the door. Maybe having to eat a piece of grilled fish, brown rice, and steamed broccoli would make him a little more vocal.

It was worth a shot.

I found the hospital easily and parked as far away from the building as I could, another habit I'd picked up after the surgery. Walking was a huge part of my recovery. I'd taken more flights of steps than I could count and had made it a point to walk as often as I could until I felt up to doing a little more. Parking in the back row and walking to the door was an easy way to get in a little extra those first few weeks out of the hospital without feeling like my chest was going to split open in the process.

I slipped my purse over my shoulder and slammed my hand over the lock inside my truck before I shut the door and started toward the building. I took one step away from my truck, and then suddenly pressed myself up against the grill as a shiny, silver Volvo whizzed right by me, stealing my breath.

I gasped and threw my hand to my chest as adrenaline rushed through my body. My heart reacted slightly; kicking up a little before settling to its normal, steady thrum. It was kind of odd not having the typical reactions that I once did. This heart beat faster when I was resting and slower when I exercised. It didn't have the same nerve connections as my old one did, something my doctor had referred to as a "denervated heart".

I watched the car whip out into traffic in an effort to curb that train of thought. I tried to stay away from all the technical terms. It wasn't necessarily confusing. I understood what they explained to me just fine. It simply made me feel anxious, knowing what could possibly go wrong with me. It was as everyone always said: ignorance is bliss.

"Fucking asshole," I grumbled and adjusted my purse back on my shoulder. "Learn to drive."

I eventually made it into the hospital and found Dr. Cullen's office. I slipped inside the waiting room and signed in. After waiting for a few minutes, I gave them my insurance information, and then found myself following an exhausted looking nurse back to a room.

After she took my vitals, she gave me a paper gown to change into, and then left the room.

I didn't have to wait long—one of the perks I assumed came with being in a small town—before Dr. Cullen was lightly knocking on the door and letting himself inside.

His smile was blinding and warm; his eyes were a beautiful shade of blue. He was hot for an older guy… Really hot, actually. I could feel myself flush as he came toward me, thinking how wrong it was to be checking out this man, and averted my eyes to the white wall. The wall was plain and safe. Dr. Cullen was not.

"Hello, Isabella," he greeted, his voice laced with kindness.

"Bella," I corrected. "It's, um, it's Bella."

"I'm sorry. No one made a note in your chart."

"It's fine. I'd normally not even say anything, but I figure I'll be here a lot, so…"

"We should be well acquainted," he finished for me.

"Something like that."

"Well, in that case, call me Carlisle," he responded, flashing me that blinding smile again. I could see it out of my peripheral.

"Okay, I'll try. Can't promise much, though. Politeness was sort of ingrained into me from birth. You can thank my mother."

He laughed under his breath as he sat on the stool in front of me and opened the massive stack of papers that was my chart. I fidgeted nervously as he flipped through the pages, silently chewing on my lip as I waited for him to say something about abuse or whatever else all these doctors in the past had always assumed.

"You've got quite a history, Bella," he commented lightly.

I watched him drag his hand through his blonde hair to keep it back as he continued to study my chart then immediately dropped my eyes to my hands. "Yeah. I was in an out of the hospital a lot before the surgery."

"So I see. And no one diagnosed you with HCM until you were sixteen?"

I shook my head, feeling a little more comfortable with the good-looking doctor. He felt… I couldn't explain it, really. Familiar, like a lot of things in this town seemed to.

"I come from a clumsy family. We'd always just assumed I had a more…  _severe_  form since every time I was up and running around, I fell." Not one doctor had connected the dots, the dots being that my  _only_  symptom was one of the few symptoms of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy: lightheadedness and fainting during physical exertion.

He smiled a little with that. "Are you still clumsy?"

I blushed again. "I still trip and forget where the doorways are, yeah."

"Nothing serious, though, right?" He glanced up at me, expectantly awaiting an answer.

"No. No stitches or broken bones since the surgery."

He nodded. "Taking your meds?"

"Every dose."

"Excellent. Any issues, any signs of rejection?"

I knew the symptoms. Shortness of breath, fever, fatigue, fluid retention… They were always in the forefront of my mind. "No. Whatever cocktail I'm on seems to be working."

"Are you sexually active?"

"No," I answered quickly, unable to look at him.

"Good. If that changes, you need to let me know immediately. I'll want to alter your prescriptions, whether you're on birth control or not. Okay?"

I blew out a breath. I already knew all of this. I was well versed in the after care of a heart transplant patient. Those immunosuppressant drugs that kept me alive? Some of them carried huge, potential risks to an unborn baby. And while a baby was not in my near future, if ever, I knew accidents happened, no matter how precautious you thought you were.

"I will," I promised, even though my vow was hollow. I'd never even kissed a boy, much less come close to falling into bed with one. A heart condition tended to wreak havoc on your social life that way.

Carlisle set my chart down on the counter beside him and stood up so that he could examine me. He started with a normal physical then shifted so that his fingers pressed on my lymph nodes. He then moved my gown away just enough so he could see the scar that ran down the length of my chest.

"It looks good," he murmured, slipping the stethoscope in his ears. "Everything looks good. Take a deep breath for me."

I did as instructed, letting it back out slowly.

He pulled his stethoscope away from his ears, and then backed away from me. After a few words about a urine and blood sample before I left, he scribbled a few things down on my chart and then started toward the door so I could get dressed again.

He reached for the handle and turned around. "Charlie says you'll probably want a job while you're here?"

"Um," I shifted on the table, careful to keep the gown closed, "yeah. I'm a typical, broke college student."

A frown flickered over his face, like he knew there was more to it, but was gone so fast I thought I might've imagined it. "My son could actually use some help in his garage."

"A garage?" I asked skeptically. I knew nothing about cars.

He nodded and pulled out his wallet, rifling through it for something. He pulled out a white business card and handed it to me. "Office work. Invoicing, filing, answering phone calls… Things like that."

I glanced down at the card and felt a wave of relief. "Oh, okay. Thanks."

He smiled brightly. "I'll have someone give you a call when we get your labs back, but I don't anticipate anything unusual with them."

I nodded.

"Take care, Bella."

* * *

After the gym, I stopped by the store and grabbed everything I'd need to make dinner at Charlie's. I'd intended to go straight home, but as I passed the garage Dr. Cullen had told me about, I noticed the lights still burning brightly inside. I pulled into the parking lot and let the engine idle as I checked out the building. Tan sheet metal made up the walls and framed the tall, white doors of the bays. A cheery little garden surrounded the white sign just as you walked inside, and even though the garage itself was surprisingly clean by any outsider's standards, its perfection seemed a little out of place.

Which made me realize that I was definitely _not_  so clean after working out for an hour. I flipped the rearview mirror down and stared at my reflection. My face was still flushed from all the time I'd put in on the elliptical and my hair was plastered against my head from sweat. I quickly yanked my ponytail out and combed through my hair with my fingers, deciding that wearing it down would be better. Down would help camouflage how truly disgusting I was.

Maybe.

No matter how much I knew that I should just start the truck back up and go home, come back in the morning after I'd slept and showered, I couldn't seem to move. I needed to go in there. It was like a cable was reeling me in, pulling me to whatever was inside. It was the same feeling I'd had since I'd first started this whole… journey, if you will.

Of course, I didn't ignore it.

I got out of the truck and walked over to the black lacquered door, shivering as a cool breeze rushed over my hot skin. This odd feeling bubbled up in my chest, but I quickly shoved it down, intent on looking as calm and collected as I could when I went inside. I needed this job.

I slipped through the door and glanced around quickly. Another door that led to the office was on my right, and a cavernous expanse of auto equipment and tools were to my left. The sound of angry, heavy rock music streamed from a stereo in the corner. I let go of the door and started toward the direction of the music, only to jump in place when the door made a popping sound and slammed shut behind me.

"Fucking Christ, Emmett!" a deep, agitated voice called out. "Are you ever going to fix that piece of shit door?"

My eyes followed the sound of the man's voice and found him under the chassis of an older, maroon Malibu. Nothing but a pair of jeans and black work boots stuck out, both marred with grease and oil and… God only knew what else.

I cleared my throat pointedly and watched his body tense under the car. He threw some sort of tool down, creating a clanking sound as it skittered across the cement floor, and pushed himself out from under the car in a smooth, practiced movement.

He stood up and stretched, his lean muscles flexing and exposing his stomach and the dark trail of hair that led… I swallowed hard and focused on his face. He pinned me with a hard stare, causing a blush to creep up into my cheeks. His jaw was strong and tense, and his eyes were as green as the trees and the moss that clung to their trunks outside, burning with such intensity that I lost my breath.

He was, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

He grabbed a faded red rag off the hood of the car and wiped some of the black off of his hands, wordlessly smudging it across his perfect, pale skin before dragging one hand through his messy copper hair roughly.

"We're closed," he said, digging into his pocket for something.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, tipping the pack enough so he could pull one out. He lit it and took a deep drag; smoke curled in the air around him, fading as it rose toward the ceiling. I watched the smoke hypnotically plume from his mouth, unable to think as I saw the way every part of his body relaxed almost instantly. My hand unconsciously came up to rub at my chest, and he lazily followed the movement, letting his tongue roll over his lips once. My chest burned, ached with longing, and then all of the sudden my brain kicked back into gear and I jerked myself as far away from him as I could get.

He looked… pissed, for lack of a better word, but his voice was smooth and calm. Uncaring. "Don't like smokers?"

I didn't know how to answer that question. It'd never bothered me before, but now, I didn't want to breathe it in, knowing that its toxins were going straight into my bloodstream… this heart.

My silence was answer enough for him. "Then leave."

I shook my head and focused on finding my voice again. "I um, I… Are you…? Dr. Cullen said you were hiring," I stuttered, immediately flushing in embarrassment again.

His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized my face for some reason. "You want Emmett. He'll be back tomorrow morning." He blew a stream of smoke my way and raised his brow, almost as if he was daring me to say something to him about it.

I backed up a little further. "Stop it, would you? I can't be around it."

He shot me a patronizing look. "Allergic?"

"No, the heart… I mean,  _my_  heart…" I shook my head, deciding not to bother with an explanation. He wouldn't have cared, and even if he had, I didn't want his pity. I'd had enough of that in my life. "Never mind."

He shrugged and turned away to dig in the massive toolbox behind him, leaving me to stand there stupidly. My jaw dropped at his blatant disregard for manners, and anger pounded through me.

"What a fucking prick," I muttered, spinning around to leave.

I was almost to the door when another loud clattering cut through the air behind me, stopping me dead in my tracks. I craned my neck slowly around to see him, catching him as he dragged his gaze over my ass. Heat bloomed inside me so strong that for the second time in the span of only a few minutes, I lost the capability to breathe again.

"What?" I eventually snapped, still fuming through my haze. "Like what you see? Expect me to just bend over and let you do me here?"

A tic worked in his jaw, and he threw the cigarette butt down on the floor and stamped it out angrily. "Not in the fucking least," he retorted, wrenching the volume level up to blaring and dropping down under the car before I could say anything else.

I exhaled sharply and stormed out of the garage, determined to get out to the truck before I let any angry tears fall. All I could think about was making it home so I could start searching through the classifieds while I cooked dinner. There was no way I would ever work around someone so disrespectful.

I knew I wasn't much to look at. I'd always considered myself to be awkward, gangly, and plain. My hair fell limp around my face and was—to me—the most boring shade of brown known to mankind. My eyes were no different. I'd longed for something other than the flat brown I'd been born with. I was thin, but soft. I hadn't been blessed with curves and had no muscle definition of any kind, no matter how many hours I'd spent in the gym lately. To have it just announced like that, though…

Charlie knew something was wrong as soon as I stomped my way through the living room with the bag of groceries in my hand, but wisely stayed away. I slammed pots and pans around and tossed silverware haphazardly in the sink as everything cooked, still boiling with anger and quite frankly, self-loathing.

I raced back out of the kitchen and snatched the paper off the coffee table, shocking Charlie. I searched through the pages and found the classifieds, feeling an odd sense of disappointment when I was flooded with all the "help wanted" ads.

I wanted to slam my head against the table in frustration. "What is wrong with you?" I moaned to myself.

Charlie's footsteps echoed behind me, and I could hear the chair squeak as he sat down next to me. "Want to tell me what's going on?"

I shook my head vehemently because I didn't  _know_  what was going on. I wanted to get as far away from the man in the garage as possible, yet the thought sent the strangest pang racing through my chest, almost as if this heart was pleading to get closer to him.

"If it's about your appointment, Bella, you can-"

"It's not," I breathed, feeling incredibly guilty to have caused just the tiniest bit of worry for Charlie. "Everything checked out fine. I promise."

"Oh."

He looked at a loss for words, so I got up and checked the broiling fish, happy that it was done so I had an excuse to busy myself with the mindless task of plating the food before I broke down and cried.

I sat Charlie's plate down in front of him and watched him stop as soon as he realized what was on it. He eyed the broccoli suspiciously while his hand was suspended in mid-air. He exhaled loudly, and then finally picked up his fork.

"Looks good," he commented, feigning nonchalance. He was almost as bad of a liar as I was.

I suppressed a laugh. "Thanks. I didn't know what you wanted, so I made what I usually eat. Worked out, too, because you have all that fish in the freezer."

He grunted and took a bite, his eyes widening in surprise. "It's good, Bella. Really good."

"You thought it wouldn't be?" I asked, a hint of a challenge in my voice.

He flushed. "No, I… Hell, I thought it was going to taste like rubber," he admitted sheepishly.

I giggled. "No. Not rubber, Dad."

We ate silently for a while; Charlie cleaned up what was on his plate and went back to get seconds, grabbing a beer out of the fridge on his way by.

"So… You liked Dr. Cullen?"

"Yeah. Seems like a good guy."

"You'd like his wife too," he said, spearing a piece of broccoli.

"How, um, how old is he?" I asked awkwardly.

"Early forties," Charlie answered with a frown. "Esme—his wife—is a little younger."

"And they have a son who owns a garage?" I asked in surprise.

"Emmett, yeah," he said with a nod. "They were all adopted."

"All?"

"Uh-huh. As teenagers. All three of them. People still think the Cullens are nuts for doing that." Charlie suddenly got extremely uncomfortable, alarming me.

After a few excruciatingly long seconds, I couldn't stand the anxious burn in my chest any longer. "Dad?"

"Are you sure about why you're here?" he blurted out.

"I'm pretty sure, yeah. Why?"

"It's just…" He paused and stared at his plate for a moment. "I found the name of your donor's brother today."

I was suddenly giddy with anticipation, all thoughts of the red-headed asshole from earlier forgotten. "Really? Who is he? Does he live in Forks like we thought?"

"Yeah, he lives here. For now, anyway," Charlie answered reluctantly. He pulled out a slip of paper from his pocket and pushed it my way.

I reached out to take it from him, my hand shaking nervously as I did. I stared at the script on the paper in disbelief unsure if I was reading it correctly or if it was some crazy figment of my imagination.

_Edward Cullen._

The name sent a jolt of electricity through me, and I knew that trying to stay away from the garage and the irritating man inside was no longer an option. I wanted to scream, but it seemed almost like too much work at this point. I was merely a puppet being dragged behind… whatever the hell this obsession of mine was by its strings.

"Cullen?" I managed to eventually croak out. "As in Dr. Cullen?"

Charlie nodded somberly. "His youngest, actually."

"What's he uh… what's he look like?"

"Tall, funny colored hair. Kind of red, I guess you'd-"

I held up my hands to stop him; I couldn't hear any more. I squeezed my eyes closed and focused on breathing calmly. It was like a nightmare slowly unraveling before me. "He works at the garage?"

Charlie scowled. "I think he helps out from time to time. Why?"

I pushed my plate away, suddenly not hungry. "No reason. I think I'm going to take a shower and crash. I'll clean all this up later," I said numbly.

"Bella, what's going on? You look… green."

"I'm fine, Dad. Just tired," I said, giving him a reassuring smile.

I managed to escape and fled to my room. I flipped open my journal and feverishly started writing on the first empty page I found until my hand cramped and I couldn't write anything more.

I had his name. All the comfort I thought that would come with it was nowhere to be found; instead, I was wrapped up in fear and apprehension for when the words finally left my mouth, and just as abruptly as my decision to come to Forks in the first place, I was second guessing every last one of those reasons I had for coming.

* * *

**The song Edward was listening to in the garage was TOOL's "Forty Six & 2".**

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**Thanks for reading :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to my beta dude, Stratan, as always.**

* * *

Chapter 3

**Bella**

"You'd better hurry it up, or you'll be late," Charlie called from at the bottom of the stairs.

"I know!" I rushed around my room and started shoving things into my gym bag. I stopped and made sure I had everything before I hitched the bag over my shoulder and raced down the stairs.

I couldn't be late for my first day at work. Just  _couldn't_. This was my one shot to not look like the inexperienced nineteen-year-old I was, and someone who actually deserved this job. I still couldn't even begin to understand why Emmett Cullen had hired me, but I wasn't going to question it. I needed this job too badly.

I wasn't sure how I was going to manage working in such close proximity to Edward. Not only was I harboring a huge secret about his biological family, but he was a total asshole. A total asshole that made me… I wasn't sure how to describe it, really. He made me nervous, but not in a bad way. More like giddy, I'd suppose, although, I wasn't really familiar with that feeling so I couldn't be sure. Butterflies turned to giant birds flapping around in my stomach when he was near. The chemistry between us was so palpable, it frazzled my mind and caused my libido to go into hyperdrive. All I'd wanted him to do when we stood in the office together was close the distance between us and kiss me. It was all I'd been able to think about  _still_ —a week later—and I'd never really wanted that until now, even with the few crushes I'd had before.

It was startling.

He was unknowingly funny, even though he tended to keep that locked away and was broody instead. But that moment he'd let his defenses down and let me see into his personality—that split second in the office that stunned his own brother silent—I could see how amazing he was under all that angry armor, and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like when he smiled.

I'd bet he was breathtaking.

I just needed to know why he protected himself so much. I needed to know more about his life before the Cullens, though I didn't know why. I just knew that it was the answer to why he was so closed off to everyone now. And maybe, I thought stupidly, this was the reason why I felt so connected to him already. Maybe I was here to help him.

I brushed past Charlie and sat down at the table to put on my shoes. He went over to the stove for something, and then practically threw a plate of eggs, turkey bacon, and wheat toast at me when I went to get up.

He pointed at the plate. "Eat. I bought that awful turkey bacon just so you'd have something to eat in the morning."

"I was going to pick something up on my way."

"Eat," he repeated.

"Dad, I don't have time," I argued.

"If you'd stop arguing you would."

My lips twitched, and I made a show of taking a bite. "Happy?"

He nodded and buttered a piece of toast on his own plate. "Shouldn't you be more… dressed up?" he asked awkwardly.

I finally let myself smile. "No. I work in a garage. I was specifically instructed by both Emmett and his wife not to wear anything nice unless I wanted it ruined. Chances are between my clumsiness and the general chaos in the garage, I'll come home dirty a lot."

He grunted and took a bite of the bacon. "Not bad, actually."

"See? Being healthy doesn't have to suck."

"So far."

I laughed and crammed the last of my eggs into my mouth then quickly chewed before I spoke again. "Okay, I'm done. I need to go before I'm really late. Can we have something beside eggs in the morning, though?"

He gave me an odd look.

I started popping open my pill bottles and dumping my medication out into my palm. "I like them, I do. I just getting sick of eating them every single day."

"It's all I know how to cook," he admitted.

"How about oatmeal? Or cereal? Even yogurt would work."

He grimaced. "I'm not eating yogurt."

 _Baby steps,_  I reminded myself. "Okay, you don't have to. But I might. And maybe we could make the eggs with the whites only?"

I could see his jaw clench in annoyance but he didn't complain. "Make a list. I'll buy whatever you want when I finish my shift."

I hopped up and kissed him on the cheek, making him blush. "How about I just meet you at the store instead?"

"Yeah, okay. That'll work."

I smiled and picked up my glass of juice, dumping the pills in my mouth and chugging them down as fast as I could. "I'll call you when I leave."

With Forks being as small of a town as it was, I was parking my rusty truck next to a shining, ridiculously clean car in the back lot of the garage in no time at all. I got out of the truck and looked over at the other car in the lot. Silver. Small. Volvo with tinted windows. Exactly like the one that'd whizzed by me at the hospital.

I got the strangest feeling that I already knew the owner.

I grabbed my purse and locked the truck up before heading inside, leaving my coveted journal in its usual spot on the passenger's side of the cab. It was starting to sprinkle, and for a fleeting moment, I missed the Phoenix weather and my overbearing mother—even my stepfather, Phil.

I glanced at my watch as I strode through the door and figured I was early enough that I could send them a quick e-mail while I waited on Emmett and Rosalie to get here. There wasn't much to learn about the job, but I needed to get an idea of the system that they and the rest of the employees used throughout the day, so I was going to be training all this week with the other Cullen brother since Emmett would be preoccupied with some… major restorative work on some old ass car. I had no idea; my eyes had glazed over when he was talking about it.

God help me.

I hurried inside and looked around the quiet, cavernous area. There were a couple of cars up on lifts and the lights flickered overhead, but other than that, it was completely empty. It felt like a different place than it had the last time I was here without all the activity and the high-pitched whir of the impact drills.

I heard the sound of paper rustling together coming from the corner and wheeled around to see Edward bent over a magazine, concentrating solely on the article with the exception of one cursory glance toward me. Sure enough, he was my Volvo owner.

"Hey," I whispered in greeting. "I didn't see you there."

He shrugged a shoulder and went back to his reading, as if he was studiously ignoring me. I stood there for a split second, trying to figure out what to say next. There was so much swimming in my head that I wanted to get out, but I had no idea where to begin. I didn't want to tell him everything—like the weird connection I felt with him already—because I was pretty sure it'd freak him out, but I wanted to be honest and upfront. But how could I say, "Your biological sister is dead. I have her heart"? Nothing I could think of sounded appropriate.

We were alone. Now was just as good of a time as any to spill my secret, yet I couldn't force the words from my tongue. I just stood there with my mouth opening and closing like a goldfish trapped in a glass bowl until I simply couldn't anymore.

I panicked.

I bolted for the office, shutting the door behind me and throwing myself into the chair. I let my head fall against the cool wooden surface and groaned. This was so much harder than I'd anticipated, and I quickly realized that I'd been incredibly naïve to come here and think it was necessary to insert myself into his life. He didn't need me. He was…

I lifted my head and stared back across the distance to where he stood and scrutinized his face. He wasn't happy, not in the least. Not with this job, not with his life… And so my determination grew. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I knew I had to tell him before I left for UW in August. It was inexplicable and went against every conscious thought I was having.

But I just couldn't turn away from him.

My hand came up to rest over my heart the second he lifted his head and stared at me. His eyes snapped to my hand then back up to my face questioningly. And almost as if he was irritated with himself for wondering, his eyes narrowed and his amazing mouth—the one I was positive I'd be dreaming about later tonight—made a little snarl just before he grabbed his magazine and stormed out the door.

I sat there frozen and stared blankly at the empty place where his body once stood.

Before I had a chance to even come to terms with his abrupt departure, the door to the office opened and Rosalie walked inside.

"What crawled up his ass this morning?"

"Me," I answered weakly.

She cocked her head to the side as she thought about it. Her expression darkened for a moment, and then she snapped out of it, allowing a smile to cross her beautiful face. The way she seemed to be able to bury her feelings was a little… disconcerting. "He's moody. You'll get used to it."

"Moody?" I asked, blinking in surprise.

"Oh, yeah. One second he's fine and the next he's throwing tools around and letting curses fly. He's like that at home, too. I can't tell you how much shit he's broken since he came to live with Emmett's parents."

"Oh."

"You have to understand," she said hesitantly, shutting the door behind her as she walked toward me. "He's had a rough life. None of us really know what happened to him before Carlisle and Esme adopted him because he won't talk about it."

"He said he had a shitty life in Chicago," I agreed.

She looked shocked that he would even tell me something  _that_  vague. "He said that?"

"Yeah, yesterday. Why?"

She shook her head. "Did he tell you anything else?"

"No."

"Just… be careful with him," she said softly. "He's damaged goods, Bella. He likes to pretend that he's normal, but he's not."

"He needs more practice," I said dryly, expounding that comment when she gave me a funny look. "On his pretending. I think we can all see right through him. I mean, I just met him and I already know it's bullshit."

"I think it's more for himself than it is for us, Bella," she answered gently. "Whether we know it to be false or not isn't really the issue. As long as he thinks he's got us all fooled, he's all right. If not…"

"What?" I asked, sitting on the edge of my seat. "What if he knew we all saw through it?"

"I don't really know, to be honest."

I chewed on my lip and stared back out at the garage, hoping that he'd come back through the door. I had no idea what Rosalie meant, but now I felt even more grounded to this place.

"So," she said, clearing her throat, "ready to get an idea of this madness my husband thinks is a decent billing system?"

I laughed a little. "Sure."

"Okay. I'll help you with it until Jasper gets here."

"Jasper's the other brother, right?"

She nodded and took a seat on the desk beside me. "The oldest. Emmett's next, then there's Edward. Jasper is Emmett's silent partner and Edward just helps out during the summer."

"How come?" The question was out of my mouth before I could think about it, and I immediately slapped my hand over it before I could say anything else.

Rosalie just laughed.

I moved my hand aside to speak. "I'm sorry. That was rude and invasive. You don't have to answer that."

"It's fine." She waved me off. "You should know who you're working for. Jasper and Edward are both in school."

"Really? I thought they were older than me."

"They are," she answered distractedly while she booted up the computer. "They're both in med school. Well, Edward starts this fall. Jasper will eventually work with burn victims and Edward plans to be a surgeon. Cardiothoracic, to be exact."

My eyes widened with this revelation and my hand immediately rubbed the place over my heart again. "Wh- Why?" I stuttered.

"Their pasts." She spotted someone walking through the door and smiled. "There's our boy now."

I didn't get to ask what she was talking about because a tall, lanky guy with dirty blonde hair came strolling through the door. He gave us both a lazy grin as he walked into the office and brushed his hair off his forehead, something I'd seen every single Cullen man do at least once since I'd gotten to Forks. He was gorgeous, but then again, all of the Cullen men were in one way or another. I was a little confused by his clothes—charcoal track pants and a long sleeved black tee—since it was pretty warm outside and everyone else was wearing short sleeves but I kept quiet. It wasn't any of my business.

"Bella, right?" he asked, his smoky gray eyes sparkling with curiosity.

"Yeah."

"Jasper. Nice to meet you. Emmett's raved about you already."

I giggled and glanced over at Rosalie, who simply shrugged. "He was happy to have someone take over this part of the business, that's for sure. And you just fell right in his lap."

Jasper threw me a little smirk with her comment, and my eyes widened slightly. If I didn't know any better, I'd have said he was flirting with me. "I'll just bet he loved that."

Rosalie left us alone to get acquainted and start our day. He showed me where all the forms and supplies were, and then moved to the computer programs as the day progressed and we had invoices to enter into the system. It was mindless work, really, and Jasper kept me company in my little hole. He was sweet, kind, and had this innate calm about him; he was the complete opposite of Edward, who always seemed so turbulent under the faux exterior.

_Stop thinking about him._

But I couldn't. My eyes kept lifting to where he was bent over the vehicle he was working on, watching his muscles move as he fought with something hidden behind the fender, watching his brows knit when he tried to figure out what move to make next, watching him bark orders at the poor, dark haired man beside him…

The very little time I wasn't staring at him, I could feel his eyes on me. Shit, I wanted him. For the first time in my life, I wanted someone. But I knew that I shouldn't. Rosalie had made it perfectly clear that he was damaged, and I had no idea how he'd react when I finally told him why I'd come to live with my father.

Even if he felt a fraction of what I did for him, Edward simply wasn't an option, as disheartening as it was.

"We're just about out of forms out here," Rosalie called from her spot next to a blue SUV. She looked like a pinup model leaning against the gleaming fender with her gray coveralls, wavy platinum hair, curvy body, and bright red lipstick.

I made a mental note to never stand next to her when someone had a camera.

Jasper and I both reached for the drawer at the same time. My bracelet caught his watch and snagged, locking us together. He chuckled and reached over to disentangle us, allowing me a peek at the skin on his right arm that had been hidden behind the sleeve of his shirt all morning long. His clothing and choice in career now made perfect sense to me.

I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. There were patches of dark stubble missing on the right side his neck where the hair just didn't grow anymore and I could almost guarantee that whatever he kept hidden under that shirt was a much more dramatic version of the sneak peak I was getting.

He'd been burned. Badly.

He jerked his hand back and looked away, leaving me to work on unwinding my bracelet from the clasp of his watch on my own. The second I was done he jumped out of his seat and scrambled toward the door.

"Wait a minute," I called out to him. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he answered gruffly, not bothering to glance back at me.

"Why do you think I care?"

He slowly turned around and eyed me warily. "Everyone cares. I look like a monster."

"You don't," I said emphatically. "No more than I do."

He looked taken aback.

"You want to know why I'm wearing a shirt that comes all the way up to my throat? Why you'll never see me wearing a v-neck?"

He swallowed and nodded reluctantly.

"I spent the majority of my teenage years in and out of the hospital having surgery after surgery before I ended up just having to wait on a heart. A few months back, I finally got one. My chest looks like a carved turkey now and there's nothing I can do about it. But that doesn't mean I want to broadcast it to everyone."

He smiled a little with my description.

"So are we okay? I don't want to work here and have it be awkward…"

"We're good. We're definitely good." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry I reacted that way."

"It's fine. Honestly.

"I'm going to grab some lunch. Want something?"

"Yeah, that would be great, thanks."

"It's diner food," he warned.

I cringed. "Okay, just this once. I don't eat that kind of crap anymore."

"Heart?"

"Yeah. It's stupid since I'm allowed to have it in moderation, but I can't help it." I paused and bit down on my lip. "Listen, can you keep the transplant thing to yourself? I don't want people looking at me differently."

"Your secret's safe with me."

And I knew it was.

* * *

"Hey," I greeted Charlie as I rushed to the door of Fork's very own Thriftway. "How was work?"

"I was just going to ask you the same thing," he answered with a grin.

"Good. I worked with Emmett's brother, Jasper, all day. He's nice."

Charlie's mood shifted, and he scowled. "He's a little old."

"I'm not dating him," I laughed. "I'm training with him. There's a huge difference."

He pulled out a cart from one of the rows without answering.

"How old is 'old', anyway?"

"Just turned twenty six."

"So he's on his last year of med school," I deduced.

"Yep."

"What about Emmett and Edward?"

"You can't ask them?"

"I guess I could," I conceded.

He sighed. "Emmett's twenty-five and Edward's twenty-two. Birthday's in a few weeks, though."

"How do you know all of this?"

"It's my job," he replied with a jerky shrug. "I know most there is about the people here."

That had huge potential to be horribly frightening. "So what kind of fruit do you like?" I asked, changing to subject as I walked over to a display sitting in the middle of the produce section. "Apples?"

"Eh."

"Dad, come on. I want to get stuff we'll both eat."

He pursed his lips under that mustache and glanced around. "I don't mind bananas."

"Bananas. Okay," I said slowly. "What else?"

It took me a little while, but I eventually got Charlie to open up and tell me what he liked and didn't like. Most fruit, it turned out, he didn't mind. But he was incredibly picky when it came to vegetables.

"What about these?" I asked, holding up a cucumber. "Like in salads?"

"No."

I huffed in frustration and put it back. "You're driving me crazy here, you know."

"Get what you want. Don't let me stop you."

"But you are," I shot back. "If I want to cook something that I know you don't like, I'll have to make you something else instead. I don't have time for that."

"What am I, a child?"

My face scrunched up. "You know what I mean."

We eventually made it out of the produce department with more than I'd expected, only to fight over the Vitamin R he insisted on filling the cart with when we hit the liquor aisle. I was sure he didn't really drink all that beer himself, and was trying to figure out how much money we'd spent already when he threw yet another one of the cases on the bottom of our cart.

"You do not need that many," I told him, shoving the thing back and grabbing one of the six packs instead.

"What if someone comes over?"

"Then they can BYOB."

"We're not completely broke, Bella," he said firmly. "I still have a little bit left in savings."

My mouth flew open. "How… how did you-?"

"I could see your mouth moving as you added up what we had in our cart so far."

Well, damn. I thought I'd been much more covert than that.

"You're nineteen," he whispered. "Stop worrying so much. It can't be good on that heart of yours."

It probably wasn't. But I had no idea how to  _stop_ worrying. I'd put both of my parents under huge financial strain with my health issues. It was just one more thing that was listed under the "Bella shouldn't have gotten the transplant" list.

I immediately stopped that thought dead in its tracks. I deserved to be alive. I just had to keep remembering that just because I didn't have the most exciting and productive life didn't make that statement any less true.

I grabbed the case and hefted it back onto the bottom of the cart. "Okay, I get it. Here's your beer," I relented.

I started away from Charlie but turned around when I didn't hear the rolling of the cart's wheels following me. He was still in the same spot talking to a dirty looking older man that looked like he'd just come off the river after an entire day of fishing.

Bet he smelled like it too.

"This is Waylon Forge," Charlie introduced to me as I walked back over to him. "Waylon, this is my daughter, Bella."

He smiled warmly, revealing a row of surprisingly perfect teeth. "Nice to meet you, Bella."

"You too." Oh, God, he smelled like stale liquor and then some. I glanced over at Charlie and knew that he was going to be working to get this man away from the alcohol and back to his house. And it was going to take him awhile.

"I'll just meet you up front." I gave Waylon one last look and amended that, "Or maybe at home."

I took the cart from my dad and got a grateful nod in return. "Here, Bells, take some money to the register."

My dad dug out his wallet and handed me a few twenties. "Thanks."

"You tell me if it's not enough," he instructed sternly.

I smiled. "Got it. See ya."

Money in hand, I turned the corner, going over everything in the cart again to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I was so preoccupied with the mental list I was checking off, I didn't even see anyone coming toward me.

Not until I slammed my cart headfirst into their thighs.

"I'm sorry," I offered in a rush. "Really."

"It's fine," the voice answered tersely.

Edward.

My body instantly reacted, and I twisted my now damp palms on the cart handle before chancing a look at him. He looked pissed, which was something I was quickly learning was normal for him. I hadn't seen him look even so much as relaxed since I'd gotten here. His guard was firmly in place, and I knew that there was no way I was going to get under it. Not today.

"You following me or something?" I asked, trying to make light of the situation, but failing miserably.

His eyes flashed darkly. "You sure like to fucking flatter yourself, don't you?"

 _Moody,_  I reminded myself. Jesus, was he ever.

I took that one descriptive word that Rosalie had given me of him today and used it to compose myself. I had no idea how, but when I spoke to him, my voice was calm and somehow didn't shake with the effort it took to keep it that way.

Which was the exact opposite of what I felt. Every cell in my body felt ravaged and deflated, and my heart literally ached, but I didn't know why. He'd been decent to me when I'd had my interview, and now he was treating me like I was shit.

"No," I replied honestly. "It was just a joke. You know… those things you tell people when they want to relieve tension?"

He scoffed.

"Cause, buddy, you have got some serious anxiety issues going."

A crease formed between his brows. "Whatever."

"No, it's not 'whatever'," I mocked, causing his expression to tighten further. "I work for your brother. You don't have to like me—you don't even have to talk to me—but I deserve some fucking respect when you do. Capiche?"

I could have sworn by the startled, pleased look on his face that he was going to smile, but no. He just stood there silently, shifting the flour in his hands and refusing to talk to me anymore.

But he hadn't walked away…

"You bake?" I asked dryly.

"It's for Esme," he muttered. "My… mom." His cheeks flushed with color, ridding me of all my anger. God, he was cute when he was embarrassed.

_Stop it, Bella._

"Just a little tip since I've spent so much time with them: Being a good surgeon means having good people skills. You'd better study up on that, Edward, because yours suck."

His incredible green eyes flashed with curiosity, but I ignored it. I wasn't about to tell him anything in the middle of a grocery store. I started to maneuver the cart around him but froze the moment he started speaking again.

"How do you do that?" he almost whispered. "How do you always manage to…  _disarm_  me?

"What?" I murmured, drawn in by his hypnotic gaze. He was abruptly more relaxed and open, and I stared up at him and finally, truly, saw his pain. I started to reach out to him without thinking, but jerked my hand back the moment his body tensed in anticipation.

It was unwelcome.

"Just…" he finally ground out. The wall was back in place again, pushing me away. "Nothing. Forget it."

"I don't know. I just say what's on my mind," I replied sadly, wishing he'd have given me just a little more time before regrouping his defenses.

He snorted. I figured it was as close to a laugh as I was ever going to get and made me even sadder. "Obviously. I'll see you later."

I checked out and glanced back one last time for Charlie before heading out to my truck. I could smell rain in the air again tonight, so I hurriedly unpacked the contents of my cart into my truck cab and squeezed in beside them before the clouds decided to open up on me. I put the keys in the ignition and flicked my wrist, but there was no familiar, vibrating rumble as the engine turned over. I tried again and barely got a cough out of it. Once more, and it was completely silent.

I beat my head against the steering wheel in frustration for a moment. Then, I reached for my phone to call Charlie.

A sharp rap on my window had me jumping in my seat so high that the phone tumbled out of my hands and down to the floorboard. I glanced over and was stunned to find Edward staring back at me.

His eyes were bright with fire and his face was gorgeously contorted with anger as he wrenched my door open. "I don't give a shit about where you came from and how safe you feel in this small town, you don't fucking sit in a dimly lit parking lot with unlocked doors! By yourself! Jesus, Bella. Are you that stupid? Do you want to get raped or something?"

I stared at him in bewildered silence. He was close enough that I could feel his breath ghost across my skin and heat roll off his body, slamming into me and doing the most… wicked of things. His scent circled around me, leaving me lightheaded and drooling as I finally caught that bold, spicy flavor that matched the intensity of the man it belonged to. A hint of the sweet smell of tobacco was underneath it all, and I wanted to close my eyes and just… savor it.

Or maybe huff would've been the more appropriate term. He made me unable to think, breathe…  _function_. I wanted to dive headfirst and explore it all, have him teach me everything about what it meant to crave someone like this.

"Well?" he snarled. "Do you?"

"NO!" I shouted, finally getting my wits back about me. "My truck won't start, you asshole!"

He backed up immediately and ran his hands through his already chaotic hair. "I'm going to pop the hood."

I blinked. "What?"

"I'm. Going. To. Pop. The. Hood," he growled.

"Fine," I growled back, jumping out of my truck the second he spun away from me.

I followed him over to the front of the truck and waited as he expertly found the lever and opened the hood. He peered inside, cursing at how low the light was, and then raced over to his own car. The second he spun away from me, Maggie's heart finally kicked up speed as it registered all of the adrenaline pumping through my veins from when Edward had scared me shitless. When I was exercising, it typically didn't bother me because I knew what to expect. This, though… I was beginning to see how much of a nuisance getting used to this heart's reactions would be.

He came back with a flashlight in one hand and a small bag of tools in the other. He motioned for me to get behind the wheel, which I grudgingly agreed to, although, I honestly had no clue why. He was  _such_  a jerk. Cute or not.

"My dad's inside," I yelled at him through the hood. "He can take me home and we can just have it towed to the shop tomorrow."

"Shut up and turn the ignition," was the answer I got back.

A quick little punch at the steering wheel and I was able to speak without screaming at the top of my lungs. "All right," I responded, doing as instructed. Nothing.

We repeated the process something like five times before he finally shouted at me to stop.

I sat there and chewed on my lip while he did something else. Suddenly, his head popped over to the side and he waved me over.

"See that?" he asked when I was near. He pointed at something I couldn't see.

I stood up on the bumper and nodded.

"Your battery connections were corroded," he murmured huskily, risking a glance at me. I could barely make out his expression in the darkness, but it was full of apprehension.

I couldn't even begin to fathom why.

"It's normal for an old truck like this, so I tried to clean them a little to see if that would take care of it, but it seems it's more than just that. Your alternator's shot."

"Okay… How much is that going to cost me?" I asked, unconsciously licking my lips.

His eyes darted down to them and lingered. "Nothing. The garage will pick it up."

"No, I can't let you-"

"Employee perk," he interrupted harshly.

I narrowed my eyes. "Really? For everyone?"

"For everyone," he confirmed, seemingly even closer to me.

"Oh."

I could see his hands grip onto the grill as he stared over at me. Heat swelled in the air around us the instant our eyes connected. I felt like I couldn't breathe, as if I would happily drown in whatever magic Edward possessed over me. Like the fool I was, I thought he might kiss me with the way his breathing sped and his mossy eyes darkened as he inched closer and closer to me. Just as I anticipated his touch or the feel of his warm lips melding to mine, he jerked his head back with low, forced grunt.

He yanked his phone out of his pocket and stepped away from me, clearing his throat and rolling his shoulders as he punched in a number with his thumb.

"Jazz, I need you to get the truck," he instructed without so much as a greeting. "Bella's here at the Thriftway with a bad alternator."

He listened for a second before murmuring something I couldn't hear then hanging up.

"Your dad's inside, you said?"

"Uh-huh." I quickly glanced around the parking lot for his cruiser but saw it nowhere. "Maybe not. He had some drunken guy to take care of. That's why I went ahead and came out alone. He might've already left…"

"Fuck," he muttered. "Okay, let's get your shit in my car. I'll take you home."

"I can wait-"

"Jasper will be a while," he said, cutting me off again.

"You could at least let me finish a sentence," I snapped. "That's the second time you've interrupted me."

He didn't answer. He simply pushed past me and started retrieving grocery bags out of the cab.

I followed his lead until we had all of my belongings and purchases in his trunk and I was sitting in the passenger seat of his Volvo, my journal sitting awkwardly in my lap like the giant pink elephant it was. The car's black leather was buttery against the back of my arms and smelled like heaven; a mix between Edward's glorious scent and that new car smell people did everything possible to keep.

"Buckle up," he barked as he slid into the driver's seat.

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, exaggeratedly doing as I was told.

He glared at me and started the car.

The quiet sound of classical music filtered through the speakers, and I couldn't stop my head from whipping in Edward's direction as he shifted the car in reverse.

"What?" he demanded.

"I thought you were more a 'heavy metal-slash-rock-with-a-little-bit-of-alternative-splashed-in-there' kind of guy," I admitted.

"I like music. All music." He gave me a cursory look before elaborating. "Classical keeps my… road rage down."

I filed that away for future reference. It could come in handy one day. "I see. Does it keep you from committing major traffic violations, too?" I asked, grabbing for the armrest on the door. "Because you're a really scary driver."

"I am not," he argued indignantly.

"Um, yes, you are. What are we going, like eighty in a thirty?" I swallowed hard. "I have put way too much effort into living to die at your hands. Slow the hell down."

He looked a little stricken by my comment, but grumbled obscenities and obeyed. "Happy?"

"It's better." I released my grip on the armrest and flexed my hand. "How exactly do you know where I live?"

"Everyone knows where the chief lives," he retorted almost defensively.

"Mmm," I agreed, "I suppose they do. Goody for me."

He didn't bother saying anything back. Yet again.

The atmosphere was charged and heavy as we drove the rest of the way to Charlie's house. I throbbed; I squirmed the entire ride, thankful for once that Forks was so small. I wanted him to touch me, to pull over on the side of the road and take me however he pleased. It seemed like every second we were alone together, it just got harder and harder to stay away from him.

I was in big trouble.

A strange sound abruptly came out of the back of his throat. It almost sounded like he was choking.

"You okay, there?" I asked, crossing my arms and scooting further away from him. It was the exact opposite of what my body wanted to do, but being so close to Edward was making me hot, and breathless, and all sorts of things I was still wholly unready for.

_Don't forget that he doesn't know you huge secret, either, Bella._

Yeah. Definitely not ready.

"Great," he managed, gripping the steering wheel harder.

"Good," I breathed.

The second he parked the car I unbuckled my seatbelt and bolted out of the door. I ran for the house, intent on unlocking the door so I could race back and bring everything inside in as few trips as possible, but wound up tripping on a tree root buried in the thick green grass of the yard.

I sprawled out on the damp grass and just… laughed. There was nothing else to do but just laugh at how absurd this whole night was: Awkward shopping with my father followed by awkward run in with donor's brother. Truck not starting. And last, but certainly not least, sexually charged car ride home with said awkward run-in at the Thriftway.

I couldn't have made this shit up if I'd tried.

"What the fuck was that?" Edward asked with a sneer, carting bags around his arms.

"Tree root," I gasped between giggles. "Clumsy."

"No shit. Get the door open for me. I got all of it but the beer."

That sobered me up, no pun intended. "Thanks."

He strained to point toward the door.

"I said  _thanks_ ," I said as I stood and dusted myself off. Not that it helped. "The appropriate response is 'you're welcome'."

"I know."

"Then say it," I challenged.

"Why?"

"Because you're not a complete douche bag?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

"Was that so hard?" I asked over my shoulder as I started back toward the house.

"Nope."

"Then  _why_  are you so rude?" I realized after I spoke that I was repeating myself. I'd told him he was rude once already.

"Just part of my charm."

I opened the door and let him inside. "It's not charming. At all. So you should stop."

"I'll keep that in mind," he said wryly, setting everything down on the counter and disentangling his arms from the bags.

He stood there and stared at me, pinning me with that same hard look that he had in the garage that first night I'd spent in Forks. Only this time, something lingered underneath. It was the fire of desire, it was an innate curiosity; it was the determination not to act on either of those emotions. He was, without a doubt, a paradox to me.

All at once, the connection was broke. He drew in a breath and looked like he was about to pull his hair right out of his head as he dragged his hands through it. He glanced around the room, moving slowly away from me until he slammed into the cheery yellow cabinets and uttered a sound of pain as the corner of the countertop dug into his hip.

"Right." His voice was thick and raspy. Delicious. "Okay, I'll put the beer on the stoop before I go. Later."

Surely I hadn't heard that right. Leave it on my front stoop? Who did that?

" _What_?"

Nothing. Not one word in response. He simply darted out of the room, leaving me absolutely speechless from his erratic behavior. The door slammed behind him as he fled, causing me to flinch a little. At that moment, I finally knew what rejection felt like. How it burned through your body and ate away at what little confidence you might have had, and how tears pricked your eyes and a lump formed in your throat because of it. It was one of the worst feelings I'd ever known, and I had to force myself to focus on something else before I burst into tears.

When I was calmer, I glanced around at the empty room and fell into the nearby chair, not knowing what else to do. The compulsion to write was strong and I clutched the journal tightly in my hands, knowing that I'd feverishly recount everything that had happened tonight in order to try to find some perspective. Only I knew, realistically, that I'd never be able to supply a reason for anything that involved Edward on my own.

If I wanted to understand even the littlest thing about him, I'd have to hear it straight from the mouth of the lion himself.

* * *

**This fic was featured on a new blog, The Newbie Reviews, recently. So a huge thank you to them again! It was such a nice surprise!**

**www(dot) fanficnewbies (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Huge thanks to Stratan for the beta work. Flove him :)**

* * *

Chapter 4

**Edward**

I launched my beer bottle into the black night sky and waited for the satisfying smashing of glass as it landed on the Sol Doc riverbank. The satisfaction never came when the sound finally reached my ears, so I reached for another beer and popped open the top. I was determined to drown my sorrows in a sea of alcohol—even though I knew I probably shouldn't open up  _that_ fucking can of worms—like nearly every other person on this planet. Something mundane and normal was what I needed right now, when I was swimming in my abnormality and dredging up my past.

I couldn't even handle being alone with Bella without wanting to rip her clothes off her body and just…  _fuck her_ , if I was being totally honest with myself. Being closed in with her like that was stupid. So goddamned stupid, given how totally wrong I was for her. I was fairly positive my fuck up went to a molecular level. I mean, how could it not, given my heritage? My DNA… My DNA was warped, at best. That was all there was to it.

But if being alone with her tonight did anything positive, it made me realize that I couldn't put myself in that kind of position again. Watching her squirm and chew on her lower lip the entire car ride, seeing her skin illuminated by the streetlamps as we passed under them nearly broke me.

So I'd run. No explanation, no warning. Just dropped the beer she'd bought for Chief Swan on the concrete stoop and left as quickly as my feet and car would let me.

I was such a fucking coward.

I scrubbed my face with my free hand and plopped down on the wet grass. I'd let her crawl under my skin already. A week of knowing she simply existed, and I was already beginning to feel a shift within me. An aching, a longing, that just wouldn't go away no matter how hard I pushed at it or how destructive I was with her. Because the destruction never lasted. I always found myself trying to get back into her good graces again. Like I couldn't keep her from hating me and staying clear from me. It was a constant battle between this sudden desire I had to attempt the norm and the knowledge that I was destined to be alone.

And it was all over the chief's daughter, someone who likely knew every facet of my past and present. Hell, the man might even know my future; he was that intuitive. He probably hated me for all the things I'd done back in Chicago when I'd been trying to survive. There was no way he would let me be with his daughter, even if there was some way I could.

"Christ, you're even more fucked up than you thought," I muttered, taking a deep pull from my beer and swallowing hard. Pining over a girl I could never have…

Nor wanted, I reminded myself firmly. I didn't want it at all.

"Why do you think you're fucked up now?" Jasper asked, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.

"Who does that?" I groaned, settling back into my spot. "Who fucking sneaks up on someone when it's pitch dark and scares the hell out of them like that?"

"Me," he laughed, sitting beside me. "Care to share?"

"They're mine," I growled. "Go back up to the house and get your own."

He snatched a beer out of the case anyway and twisted off the cap. "A whole case," he mused, staring down at the barely visible label. "You must've done something pretty bad."

"Not exactly."

His eyes snapped up to mine. "No?"

"No."

"Then what?"

I didn't answer.

"Ah, okay, you're going to give me the silent treatment." He paused dramatically. "Edward, I'm so, so sorry for walking in my own backyard and scaring you. Will you tell me what crawled up your ass now?'

"Fuck off," I retorted.

"Well, I tried." He took a drink of his beer and made a face. "I never liked this stuff."

I tried to snatch the beer out of his hand, but he managed to be faster than me and held onto it. "Then why steal it?"

He shrugged. "Just to annoy you."

"Consider it done."

"You're in a pissier mood than usual." He laughed to himself for a few seconds before going silent. He fidgeted with his bottle, working at the corner of the label until he'd peeled it off, and then ran his thumb over it absently as he stared up at the sky.

"I miss the stars," he said quietly. "I think that's really the only thing I miss about Texas. We hardly ever see them here."

"I miss the heat of the sun in the summer, but what are you gonna do?"

He chuckled. "Live in Hawaii or something, I guess? The Texas heat is shit."

"Nah. This is… home."

"Yeah," he whispered. "They gave us that didn't they?"

"You had a home." It was better than what mine had been by a long shot. His, at least, had been clean.

"Not like this one." He gave me a level look. "Nothing in my old life could compare to this. Not even on my worst day as a Cullen. My father was a PTSD-suffering wife beater and a drunk, and my mother didn't give a shit enough about me  _or_  herself to get the fuck out. Or get him help. So I got the pleasure of watching them both destroy each other."

I didn't look at him. I couldn't. It was the first time he'd really talked to me about his life before the Cullens, and the agonizing way he did so reflected a little too closely in all my own history for comfort.

"I mean, you think I'd have been able to go into that warehouse if I had actual  _parents_ ," he said the word with disdain, "because if I'd have lived here, Esme would have caught and then  _beat_ my ass for sneaking out. But not Janet Whitlock. Oh, no. She didn't even bother to look up from the goddamned TV when I opened the door. She should have just lit the match herself."

The details were sketchy; neither he nor our parents would ever tell the entire story. Jasper tended to talk about the events leading up to the fire and nothing more, and my parents firmly respected his need for privacy. But I had pieced together enough of happened that night to know that what was originally intended to be a prank by a group of snotty rich kids had quickly spiraled out of control. The kids had fled the scene and Jasper was left to burn. After deciding to adopt Jasper, Esme had sued everyone involved, including the multi-million dollar corporation that had left that old warehouse to rot. Because in my mother's mind, and apparently the Texas judge presiding over their case, turning off every security camera and alarm since they were such cheap bastards was just as negligent as the Whitlocks had been. They all sealed my brother's fate in one way or another.

The conversation was really getting too fucking heavy for me, so I quickly, and not so smoothly, changed the subject. "Get Bella's truck to the shop?"

"Yeah," he murmured, still lost in thought. "Emmett's heading down there now to work on it."

I fumbled to pull my cell phone out of my pocket to check the time. "At nine at night?"

"He wanted to make sure it was ready for her tomorrow before her lunch break in case she wanted to go pick up something to eat. You know how he is."

I cursed and dragged my hand through my hair as I stood up. I swayed a little and glared down at the beers. I was half lit already. "Take me there? I uh, I can't-"

He held up a hand to stop my rambling. I pitched both beers into the river—with a little bit of a guilty conscience afterward because hell, I was wasting good beer—and bent down to pick up the case before silently following him the long way back up to the house.

I studied it as we approached, thinking of how different is was from the run down apartment buildings and roach-infested motels I lived in for the most part of my childhood. The house was huge, modern, and completely out of place in the middle of the woods like this. But it was what Esme wanted. She wanted light, air, and space to counteract how claustrophobic the dense, dark forests around us could sometimes make you feel. Each of the three floors was made of mostly glass, and every room—with the exception of our bedrooms—was painted a creamy white. Walls were only placed in the most necessary of places, and the ceilings were tall and vaulted, probably costing our parents an absolute fortune in gas and electric.

Not that it mattered to them, though. I'd never once seen Carlisle or Esme Cullen worry about money, something that had been completely confounding when I first came to live with them. I couldn't understand how one  _didn't_ worry about it. It had been the bane of my existence since I could remember—still was, actually. But after a few months of being a Cullen, I'd figured it out. Esme had sold her Seattle architectural firm just after she and Carlisle had adopted Jasper, wanting to be able to dedicate as much time to him as humanly possible. They'd taken the profits from their Seattle condo and the firm and built a life for us here in Forks.

Jasper was the first. Had Carlisle and Esme not been in Dallas for a conference and found him lying in that hospital bed when they did, causing the domino effect that it did, Emmett and I might have never have escaped our prisons. We'd have likely died there.

Fate was a tricky, tricky thing.

"Hey, you okay there?" Jasper asked, glancing over at me with a puzzled look.

I cleared my throat. "I'm drunk as shit. So yeah, I'm good."

He took the case of beer from me and nodded over to the black Ford sitting just to our left. "Get in. I'll put this back in the fridge."

I silently did as I was told and sat in the passenger's seat of my brother's brand new pickup. Money was something Jasper didn't need to worry about either. Not since his accident.

But having all that cash at his disposal did nothing to change him, and it was just quite possible that he was more generous because of it. He'd given Emmett every cent needed to start his garage and never asked for nor expected anything in return. Of course, this was unacceptable to Emmett, so he'd made Jasper a silent partner in the company, giving him a share of the profits as a sort of payback for the ability to start his business.

It tended to make me feel like the bad seed of the family. The entire Cullen family was selfless, excluding me. My life revolved around myself. It always had because of necessity. I didn't know how to pretend otherwise.

The ride to the garage seemed short, thanks to Jasper's willingness to let me choose the music we listened to on the way there. Not that driving the distance really took that long to begin with. We all tended to speed a little.

I blamed Carlisle. He was the one, after all, who taught each of his sons how to drive.

I followed Jasper into the garage. My eyes fell to the dark office at the far side of the building—where Bella spent most of her time—and I knew that the damn thing probably still smelled like her. Like flowers just after the rain.

I was staying as far away from that office as humanly possible tonight or else I might just find myself in Bella's front yard holding a boombox over my head like Lloyd Dobler. Because fuck if I didn't have the words either.

I nearly groaned at that. Waxing poetic over a girl's perfume—through music or otherwise—was not okay. I refused to be  _that guy_.

Emmett's head snapped up from Bella's engine as soon as he heard us approach. "Hey," he grunted, working to loosen the alternator. "Who built this engine?"

"Uh…" Jasper glanced over at me.

"Why the hell would I know?" I snapped, realizing that Emmett was starting back at me too. "I don't know anything about her. Jasper's talked to her more than I have. Ask him."

Jasper seemed to suddenly find the tools in the box on his left incredibly fascinating.

"Yeah, but…" Emmett trailed off awkwardly as he glanced between the two of us. "Well, it's totally stock. Whoever it was put in a lot of fucking time searching for parts."

I'd noticed that too, but had been a little preoccupied by Bella's mouth to really focus on it earlier. The way her tongue snuck out to wet her lips, the way they parted just slightly as my body was instinctively drawn to hers… Her breathing had been shaky; her body was still with anticipation... or rigid with disgust. I didn't know which. So what had I done?

Freaked the fuck out.

"Did she happen to mention anything about it, Jazz?" Emmett continued, staring back down into the engine again.

Jasper shook his head forcefully then realized Emmett wasn't paying attention to see it. "No. We didn't talk about that. I'll go and um, grab another alternator out of the parts room," he said as he shoved his hands into his pockets and practically ran away.

Strange.

As soon as Jasper was out of sight, Emmett spoke again.

"She's really pretty, huh?" Emmett said casually, grinning triumphantly as he hefted the thing out of the truck.

I bristled. For no good reason that I could think of. "Excuse me?"

"Rosie said she'll be a nice buffer between us and the pissed off customers, not that we have many. Just the douche bag city guys that expect me to have Mercedes parts on hand. She's polite, witty, easy on the eyes…"

"Just stop right there," I barked, stomping over to him and snatching the alternator out of his hand. "No one is looking at her, much less thinking about her, so long as..."

Emmett's brows shot up just before a slow, 'gotcha' smile graced his lips.

"I mean, she's an employee," I backtracked. My face grew flushed as the words left my mouth. "You stupid fucker. You know what I mean."

The smile was still there. I wanted to punch it off his face. "I think I definitely do. You don't think I've seen the way you two steal glances at each other?"

"She doesn't steal glances at me," I argued, not bothering to deny my part in that. He'd just ride my ass about it if I did.

"Wanna bet?"

I huffed. "You didn't talk about the last chick that worked in the office like that."

"Dude. She looked like she'd been hit with the proverbial ugly stick. Multiple times. That's why."

She really had. I suppressed a shudder.

"Stop trying to change the subject," he laughed.

"I'm not."

"You are, but whatever. Ask her out or something."

"Isn't employee fraternization against company policy?" I asked, pacing around. Emmett wasn't known to be very observant, so his notice meant that I was doing a real bang up job at hiding what this girl was doing to me.

"You're not technically an employee."

I bit down on the inside of my cheek so I didn't say something I'd regret later. My temper was beginning to get the best of me, directed mostly toward myself for being so ridiculously into some… some…  _teenager._

"Just try," he said calmly. "You won't know unless you try."

"She's too young," I finally ground out.

"She's three years younger than you," he countered.

"I can't… I just… I'm not…" I stammered.

"Ed." His blue eyes held mine in understanding. "I get it. I really do. Believe me, when I first met Rose I was torn up like you were. I'm just some kid from the shit part of LA, you know? And there she was… this… Anyway, it's worth it. If you can just get past it all, it's worth it."

"How can something I can't even picture be worth it?" I asked incredulously.

He shrugged and took the alternator back out of my hands to be scrapped. "One of these days you will, bro. You can deny it all you want, but you really weren't wired to be alone."

I just stared at him blankly, making him laugh.

"Believe it or not, I can be a serious fuck when need be. Anyway, want to work on her yourself? I can take Jazz home and you can drive his truck back when you're done."

I was still reeling from his earlier comment, so cognizance wasn't exactly my strong point at that very second. "The truck?"

More laughter. "Yes, the truck. She's  _your_  girl."

"She's not my fucking girl," I hissed, pushing past him to get to Bella's truck.

"And yet you can't wait to do something for her," he murmured. "Yep, totally not your girl at all."

* * *

I arrived at the garage early, looking over Bella's truck on my way by. I'd had the bright idea to detail the shit out of it after I'd exchanged the bum alternator for a new one, chalking it up to wasting time before I went home. It'd been a distraction, I suppose, from going home and examining my pitiful life some more. Emmett's words had replayed themselves over and over in my mind, even though I kept refuting them. My reasons still stood. Emmett might have known me well, but he didn't know everything.

No one did.

If that truck hadn't been in such need of some serious bodywork, it would have sparkled. As it was, it was just a cleaned up, rusted version of the sandy, grimy truck that had originally driven to Forks recently.

I idly wondered if she'd let me do the bodywork for her. I needed something to busy myself with; Bella's truck was in desperate need of attention. It was a win-win situation.

Or at least, it was, until my thoughts started veering off into lecherous territory, and I was doing the bodywork  _on_  her rather than  _for_  her.

Furious with myself, I grabbed the closest thing—ironically enough, an auto body saw—and threw it across the room with a curse. I knew it wouldn't make me feel any better, and it didn't, really, but I'd done it anyway. I always did shit like that, though it was inexplicable why I ever felt the need to. It wasn't like I enjoyed destroying things or was sadistic and violent, on my way to being some mass murderer, to begin with. I was just at a loss at how to release any pent up frustration. I refused to burden anyone with my bullshit, I was no longer in therapy, and it wasn't like sex was in the picture for me…

"You're paying for that," Rosalie said from behind me.

I glared at her as she passed by. "Yeah. I know."

"Just making sure..."

I flipped her off.

For some reason, I was extremely nervous to see Bella's reaction to her truck. I spent the entire morning impatiently waiting for her to walk through the door. My heart just… wouldn't stop leaping up into my throat, and my palms were annoyingly damp, making it hard to not only focus on my work, but keep a hold of any tools I happened to need to do the damned job. I ended up relying on Sam to help me out, which in turn pulled him away from his own projects.

And that was a little infuriating, to be this helpless.

"I need you to um," I ran my hand over the back of my neck and then pointed to the radiator on the Jeep I was currently working on, "to… Oh, for God's sake, this is ridiculous. I can't even get the fucking screen out of the car."

Sam grinned, further darkening my mood. "I've got it."

He reached inside the hood and did exactly what my sweating palms wouldn't let me, which managed to piss me off even more.

I nearly pushed Sam out of my way to reach inside the cowl. I felt around the seal and noticed a hole at the top. "Needs a replacement."

"We have that in the back?"

"Should."

I worked on removing the seal while Sam went back to the parts room and retrieved a new one, glancing around for Bella the entire time.

"God damn it," I muttered.

I needed a fucking cigarette, a long jog through the woods,  _anything_  to calm me down, actually. But I couldn't force myself to walk out the door. As much as I tried to convince myself that it was any reason I could think of, and not this one specific thing, I knew it was all bullshit. The _only_  reason my feet stayed firmly planted where they were was because I didn't want to miss seeing her when she came in.

I should have been relaxed, thankful, when she wasn't around because there was no temptation to try to thwart. Only instead, I spent every waking hour thinking about her, whether she was in my line of vision or not. I couldn't understand it. Nor did I want to. I just wanted her to go back where she came from and leave me to my miserable existence. At least I'd made peace with my shitty life before she'd come to Forks. Hope was never originally in my vocabulary. When you come from my world, hope only managed to find a way to kill you. Now… now I knew that it was partly hope that I was feeling. Some idiot piece of me hoped that being a lonely doctor for the rest of my days wasn't all there was left for me; that maybe there was more, though I still couldn't see how. That seed of hope did nothing to change the facts. It simply worked to drive me insane.

Sam came back with the new seal, and we went to work putting the radiator back together. The same question kept bubbling up on my tongue the entire time we were working, but I couldn't even begin to tell you why I thought Sam would have the answer. So I kept shoving it down until finally, when I was so frustrated that I could barely function, I blurted it out.

"Who restored Bella Swan's truck?"

Sam turned his black eyes toward me warily. "Jacob Black."

I nodded, thinking my curiosity would be sated.

Only it wasn't.

"Who's Jacob Black?"

Sam burst out in laughter, shocking the hell out of me. It was the loudest sound I'd ever heard from him.

"Why?"

"Why not? That truck is a beauty. Can't I know who put all that time into her?" I asked, feigning nonchalance. Inside I was dying, though, but it was different than my usual, fucked up way. It was killing me to know nothing about Bella Swan. Hypocritical, given how secretive I was about myself, but there it was.

"Yeah, I guess," he said on a shrug. "Billy Black is the chief's best friend. Jacob's his son. Jake and his dad started on her as a project before the accident."

I stared at him stupidly.

"I forget you're not a native," he sighed.

 _Because I fit right the fuck in,_  I thought sarcastically.

"Billy's in a wheelchair," he said in explanation. It didn't explain shit, and I found myself clenching my teeth together so I didn't say that little fact out loud. "Jake finished the truck, thinking he'd be driving it when he got his license. Only they needed the money for some bills, so the chief bought it from them."

I didn't know why, but I was insanely jealous of this Jacob Black character. Possibly because he had history with Bella, and all I had was… nothing. Nothing at all, which was exactly what I'd wanted all along—to keep her at a distance. For her own good.

So why did that make my chest feel as though it suddenly weighed a ton?

"Does she um… does she know Jacob?" I focused on my shoes so that I didn't give my intentions away. They were as black as my heart; I had no business having intentions of any kind when it came to Bella.

"She probably played with him as a kid, but I don't think she'd remember it. She stopped coming to Forks after…"

He trailed off the second the door opened. I desperately wanted to know what it was that kept her from coming back, but I couldn't force the words out. It seemed wrong to hear about Bella's past from anyone else but her.

Which was just as well since Bella was the one walking through the door. She breezed in with a smile and a little red dress on. I grunted against the sudden demand to close the distance between us and let my hands play over the ivory flesh exposed to me, causing Sam to glance up questioningly. Chief Swan was hot on her heels, scanning the room for both her truck and Emmett, and purposefully striding through the garage as soon as he spotted them both. He shot me a hard look of warning the second he walked past, like he already knew all the lascivious thoughts I'd been having about his daughter these last few days.

Great. Just what I needed.

I glanced back over toward Bella and found her staring at me. The second her eyes landed on mine, her smile wavered and a hot blush crept up into her cheeks. She pulled at the neckline of her dress, finally revealing a hint of the scar—pink and puckered and still so fresh—that Rosalie had told me about. Damn it. That need to know all about her, what she'd been through and if she was healthy, came hurtling back at me again. I needed to know if the reason she'd been cut open was cured or if it was chronic and something she would be forced to live with for the rest of her life.

I just had a sinking feeling it was the latter.

"There's the Liberty Bell!" Emmett shouted, waving Bella over and snapping her out of whatever thoughts she'd been having. "Check it out! You're all set!"

Her brow knit together for a split second before she smiled warmly at him. "Liberty Bell? Did you give me a nickname or something?"

"Well…" He glanced over at me, and then shook his head as he caught my baffled expression. It was the first I'd heard of liberty anything. "Never mind."

"Come on," she pleaded adorably.  _Fuck me._  "Tell me. Please?"

"Your voice is like bells. It's pretty. That's all," he said lamely.

"Well, thank you, but why not just call me 'Bell', or 'Bells' like everyone else does?" she asked confusedly.

"Uh… They call you that?"

"Emmett. What's the Liberty Bell reference for?"

"It was the first bell that came to mind." The liar cleared his throat and went to greet Chief Swan. Bella looked extremely disappointed, but let it go. I, on the other hand, wasn't going to. I'd pry it out of him eventually. "How are you, sir?"

"I'm fine. Care to tell me what the damage is?" he responded.

"No damage."

Chief Swan's eyes practically popped out of his skull. "What?"

"Employee perk. I can't afford to give them very good health benefits being a small business and all, but I can at least give them this." He jerked his shoulders in embarrassment.

"That's very kind of you," Chief Swan stated. "I bought this truck off Billy a few years ago and never really expected it to fail on Bella. It's solid."

Emmett nodded. I kind of maneuvered myself a little closer to the conversation.

"We were just talking about that, actually," Sam chimed in softly.

I glared over in his direction. What. The. Fuck.

"You were?" Bella gasped, her eyes flickering over to me. Was that…  _hope_  I saw there?

Always with the hope today.

Sam looked even more uncertain of himself now that I was watching him, but stayed focused on Chief Swan. "I don't talk to Jacob much, but I can remember all the work he put into her. He thought he'd get to have her."

"The truck?" I asked between my teeth, needing the clarification that it was not Bella that some Quileute guy thought he'd get when it was all said and done and just the vehicle.

"Uh-huh. But after the accident… Well, I knew he sold it to you, but I wasn't sure what happened to it after that. I just assumed you'd sold it to someone else to pay for…"

I could have sworn I'd just witnessed Sam blush for the first time.

"Sorry, I wasn't supposed to say I knew."

"It's fine," Chief Swan answered smoothly. "I gave it to Bella to drive when she got her license."

Fuck, I wanted them to keep talking, to find out what the hell had happened to her, from the lips of the angel herself. Instead, Chief Swan gave Bella a strange look and changed the subject.

Bella fiddled with her nails.

"Got any paperwork you need me to sign?" he asked Emmett.

"That'd be your daughter's area of expertise."

Bella snorted. How was it that I found that adorable too?

"I'd hardly consider myself an expert, Em. I'm nineteen, for God's sake. I just managed to get this job because you were desperate."

"Still. Your domain for now. Not mine."

"Until I head off to school, right?" she asked with a smirk.

"New rule: no talking about you leaving me to deal with all that paperwork again in August. So scurry off and do your job now."

She shook her head, her lips twitching with a smile. "Fine. Dad, follow me. I'll get you a receipt."

I watched them walk over to the office together, struggling not to glance at her amazing ass the entire way, before I forced myself to focus back on the Jeep in front of me. And not some girl that I couldn't have. Or who wouldn't have me.

Either way, it was the same. I needed to simply work on what was attainable. Not what wasn't.

I sent Sam back over to his own job as I began putting the Jeep back together. I was so engrossed on what I was doing that I hadn't heard the telltale footsteps of anyone approaching me. I didn't realize I was no longer alone until I felt her. My whole being seemed to just light up when she was near.

It scared the shit out of me.

I slowly looked over to see her biting her lip nervously. She shifted on her feet a couple of times and then spoke.

"Don't think I didn't notice," she said cryptically. "It was the first thing I saw when I got here."

"What's that?" I croaked, hanging on to the side of the Jeep for dear life.

"How clean the truck is. I drove it all the way from Phoenix-"

"Wait, you drove from fucking Phoenix?" I asked in disbelief. "Why?"

"Why not?"

"Why didn't you just take a plane?"

"Because I moved here," she answered simply.

"Yeah, but…" I stopped myself before I could give away how much I wanted to learn everything about her.

She read my like an open book. "I just needed the time away. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah."

"Anyway, Emmett told me it was your idea," she told me. "So thank you."

"Sure."

She lingered beside me for a little while longer, watching me tighten bolts and check the hoses. Normally, this would have bothered me. I despised people staring at me. But with Bella… it felt okay. Not exactly comfortable, but that was because of my issues. Not her.

Never her.

"Why'd you run?" she eventually whispered. "Last night. Why'd you run?"

My grip on the ratchet faltered, and it spiraled through the twists and turns of the engine and all of its components before finally hitting the floor with an echoing clank.

"You scare me," I answered lowly, reiterating the very thing I'd been thinking.

Her brow furrowed. "I do?"

"More than you could possibly imagine," I said dryly. "For reasons you couldn't imagine."

"If you had any idea what I've been through, you might disagree with that statement," she protested.

"So you think your baggage can come anywhere close to matching mine?"

She exhaled sharply. "No. But I think I could understand you more than you want me to. And more than anyone else ever could."

I didn't have an answer to that. I ached to tell her that she was probably right, but obstinacy kept me from it. It was my secret to bear. No one else's.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, you scare me too. Not because I'm physically scared of you, but because…" She chewed on her lip and stared back toward her office. "I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing here."

I got the distinct impression those words went deeper than she was letting on.

I turned slowly to face her and saw exactly how scared she was as she stared back at me. She looked to be nearly as terrified as I'd felt all morning long, and I hated that. A part of me knew it was for the best. I needed to embrace the fact that I'd managed to frighten her with my odd behavior, but I couldn't. Seeing her usually sunny disposition gone because of me caused yet another emotion to bob up to the surface. Something I couldn't really identify.

"So I'll see you later. I've got to get to work now."

My breathing was shaky, so I could only nod in response. She hurried back to her office and shut the door, immediately disappearing behind it.

I didn't see her again for the rest of the week.

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**PAWsPeaches made an amazing banner for Dear Maggie. One version is red (on The Lemonade Stand's tumblr) and the other is black (on the sidebar on my blog - jenny0719 dot blogspot dot com). Either way, they rock ;)**

**The Lemonade Stand really pushed this fic last week. It was featured on the TLS Nursery since it's a newbie and the original oneshot was featured on their Lemon Drops page. So THANK YOU SFM for that! www (dot) tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for all the recent buzz over this fic and all the reviews so far! Thankies to Stratan for the beta work.**

**I think some people will probably want to shoot me for the lack of E/B-ness in this chapter, but I swear, chapters 6, 7, & 8 make up for it.  
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Chapter 5

**Bella**

**3 months ago**

I wasn't sure how long I sat in my truck and stared at the immaculate, red brick ranch perched on top of the hill in front of me. The drive from Phoenix to Amarillo had been a blur, which I had spontaneously decided to make the second I found out how close Maggie's parents actually were to me. I was just starting to get back to my life again and was achy all over from my most recent session in the gym, but I'd pushed through it and come anyway. I had to, even though I knew this trip was probably a mistake. I needed to meet the couple that lost their daughter and chose to honor her wishes by donating her organs. I needed tangible evidence to show that her life had mattered and see that their reaction to my existence meant that I wasn't just a waste of space. I needed something to prove to me that fate had chosen me for a reason, even if I left this town still not knowing the whys.

I just needed some sense of purpose again.

I couldn't pinpoint when exactly all this self-doubt started to appear. It seemed like one day shortly after the transplant something inside me shifted. Maybe it was because I was feeling more like myself again. Strange, considering I was missing a vital piece of the anatomy I'd originally been born with now, but I'd stopped being me the day my condition finally made itself known. From the second I blacked out and collapsed on the gymnasium floor, everything I was before was tossed away. The focus was no longer on inconsequential things like bad hair days, zits and boys. It was on surviving.

Funny how trying to stay alive made you feel as if you were already dead.

I'd resigned myself to die the day they put me on the transplant list, though I'd never really stopped fighting to live; I was stubborn that way. I was simply pragmatic about the whole situation. By being at such an advanced state when I finally learned what hypertrophic cardiomyopathy was, the odds were stacked high against me. I'd been mostly asymptomatic all my life. When symptoms finally started to appear, I was misdiagnosed with everything from athletically induced asthma to anxiety attacks, though I'd vehemently refused to believe that one, and all were cloaking the real reason why I was so clumsy. My heart was slowly failing on me. Every fall, every strange dizzy spell had been an ignored cry for help, so I was never really sure I'd make it long enough to get to the top of that list.

Acceptance was key. I didn't want to be afraid if I did, in fact, die before I was matched with a donor.

I wanted to be ready.

I tried to stay positive, though. If not for me, then at least for my parents. I tried to keep focused on school so that I'd actually have a future if I ever made it back out into the real world. The day I got Maggie's heart, I honestly believed that I'd wake up from the surgery, do my time healing, and then walk out a new person. I never thought that all the residual issues from my previous life would be able to take root and bloom. It'd taken me a long time to reconcile this new life with my old, countless therapy sessions, and even then, I always got hung up on one part.

Maggie.

Every day, I thought about the girl whose heart now beat in my chest. Every day, I wondered what had happened to her. Every day, I wondered what she looked like and how her family was coping. Until one day, I finally understood that I wouldn't be satisfied until I  _knew_  her, as well as anyone could know the deceased, that is.

I sighed when I heard the phone ring on the seat next to me. I didn't even have to look at it to know who it was. Only one person would be calling me right now; everyone else knew exactly what I was doing and where I was.

I didn't bother answering it. I was sure I'd catch hell for it when I got back to Phoenix, but placating my mother's need to fawn over me was not high on my list of priorities.

I still needed to force myself to the door.

I was starting to look like a creeper, so I stiffly made my way out of my truck and toward the house. I clutched the file folder in my hand, knowing it was the only proof I had to support my claim. I was going to look like a raving lunatic no matter how I spun it, but at least I knew I wouldn't be hauled off to the local county jail cell before I could say my piece.

God, I was terrified. I could barely raise my hand up enough to knock on the solid oak door. I was on the brink of discovering everything I'd longed to find, but had this sudden urge to turn around and head back the way I came. I had no idea how these people would react or if finding out about Maggie's life would make things even harder for me. Once heard, I could never undo the knowledge.

Maybe now I'd finally know what an anxiety attack  _truly_  felt like.

The door opened, and an older woman with beautiful, ivory skin and glossy black hair welcomed me with a smile. Recognition flashed in her deep blue eyes; her smile faltered and her brows knit. With a blink, her eyes welled with tears just as a mangled sob came bursting out of my chest. She knew who I was without a single word being said between us. I didn't care how or why, because it only showed that I wasn't insane. That I was  _supposed_  to have come.

"I'm so sorry," I cried. "So, so sorry."

She shook her head and wiped at her eyes, her hand shaking visibly as she did. "There's nothing to be sorry for, sweetie. Seeing you here on my porch would have made her happier than you can imagine."

This only made me sob harder. My free hand came up to cover my mouth, like it could stifle the horrifying sounds I was making. With every scenario I'd pictured on the drive here, I never imagined I'd have such an intense, emotional reaction when I saw Mrs. Carr for the first time.

She patiently gave me a few moments to compose myself. When she was sure I wasn't going to break down again, she stared down at the file I was holding in my hand and deduced, "I take it you know my name."

I nodded. "Siobhan Carr. Your husband's name is Liam."

"That's right." She smiled sadly. "You're Isabella Swan."

"Bella," I sniffled and hiccupped softly, "I go by Bella."

"You want to know about Maggie?"

"Yes. Please," I whispered.

The smile widened slightly. "Well, come in, Bella Swan. I've got plenty of things to tell you about our girl."

xxxxx

**Present Day**

My laptop chimed from the desk in the corner, alerting me to a new email. I decided to get up and stop wasting my entire Saturday morning reminiscing like I was, but as I sat the journal down on my bed, the pages flipped back to the entry I'd written that day and caused emotions to crash over me and practically suffocate me. That entry… It was the first time I'd ever written in this journal. I'd left their house, stopped at the store just up the road, and unthinkingly pulled the first one I saw off the shelf. After I bought it, I sat in the parking lot and jotted it all down, not wanting to forget a single moment of that day, or everything I'd thought and felt since leaving the hospital. Seeing how full it was with my musings and letters now was amazing to me. I hadn't even realized that I'd written that much. Not until today.

Maggie's parents had been so gracious about it all, which I always assumed was because they'd wanted to know just as much about me as I did about them. They'd given me pictures and newspaper clippings, and eventually sent me copies of Maggie's adoption paperwork and her high school yearbooks, feeding into the frenetic drive I had to follow up on every scrap of information that came my way.

My persistence paid off, eventually, and led me here.

I hopped up from the bed and went over to my computer, grinning as I saw whom the email was from.

Alice.

She was my best friend—my only friend, actually—since I'd known her. Her parents divorced when we were fourteen, and her mother had moved her to Scottsdale before the ink was even dry on the paperwork. She'd come into my life when I needed it the most, when I was nearly drowning in my loneliness. My own mother moved us from place to place for as long as I could remember, and because of this, I learned at a very young age not to get attached. Ever.

But Alice, with her cheerfulness and her boundless energy, hadn't given me the choice of disassociation. From the very first time I stepped foot on the Chaparral campus, she'd been right there to make me feel… less like the outcast I was and more like someone who had grown up here. It was odd how we'd just connected from the beginning. We were such polar opposites. But she was just… Alice.

_Go tomorrow—no rain. Take this and your cell with you (because I think it may work up there if I did my research right). And don't call me trying to weasel your way out of it. I'll just hang up the phone, take the first flight out of Phoenix, and come up there and bug you. Actually, maybe you should. I need an excuse to see your pretty face before school starts, anyway._

_So yeah. Call me tonight. Pretend like you don't want to go hiking tomorrow so I can make flight arrangements. I miss you._

_Ali_

I opened the attachment and clicked to print it, laughing as the first section of a topographical map of Forks came inching its way out of my printer. When all the pieces had finished printing, I laid them out on my desk to see what exactly it was I was supposed to do with it. A red line was drawn from where I assumed I would begin, connecting the trailhead to a part of the forest that coincided with a stream. A waterfall. Alice wanted me to hike to one of the many waterfalls around here.

I took the map with me and rushed downstairs. I didn't want to weasel my way out of it. I  _wanted_  to go, but I was sure now that she knew I would. Alice and I tended to always be in sync. She would have never suggested—well, demanded, really—I go if she didn't think I could benefit from it in some way. On the good days, when I was out of the hospital, there were so many times I'd have a sudden craving for ice cream and take a pint over to Alice's house, finding her sad and sniffling over some boy when she answered the door. And Alice was just as intuitive about my needs, maybe even more so given my circumstances. She knew exactly what I needed—a link to reality—every time I'd been stuck in that hospital bed. She kept me informed on all the latest gossip and had held our own little, pathetic senior prom for two in that room since I'd been too weak to attend Chaparral's; she even dropped every plan for her future she'd ever had in order to come to UDub with me this fall. She was more than just a friend to me, staying with me when everyone else, other than my parents, had all but forgotten me.

And there was no way, no matter how many ways I tried, that I could ever repay her for that.

I stopped at the foot of the stairs as I saw two black figures looming at the door. The light streaming in from outside made it impossible to see their faces or any other detail, but I could see their silhouettes just fine.

One of them was in a wheelchair.

The door shut behind them, and I could finally see the smile on the man's face as he stared up at me. It was Billy Black, my father's best friend and one time fishing partner. I hadn't seen him since the accident, too busy with my pre-teenage life to come to the funeral or the hospital or…

I was such a shit, I suddenly realized. Even if I hadn't known Billy that well, or could barely remember either of his daughters, I could have at least come to support my father. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if Alice had gone through something like that. Losing the one you love, your ability to walk…

"I'd have never guess that was your Bella," he said, twisting his head to stare at Charlie.

I tried to summon a memory of him from my childhood, but all I could see was a tall man with long black hair and a blurry face calling out to his daughters on the swing set in his backyard while I… God, I couldn't even remember what I'd been doing that day. Getting into trouble, I'd guess. I was good at that before my health had started to deteriorate. Climbing trees, swimming in streams, getting ridiculously dirty and making my mother mad, or disappearing for hours as I explored the woods and scaring Charlie to death were just the few things I could think of right then. There was no telling what else I'd forgotten about since moving to Phoenix.

"Yeah," Charlie answered gruffly as he pushed Billy further inside. "Don't remind me."

Billy laughed, a low, deep sound that warmed me. "She's pretty."

Now I warmed all over, embarrassed slightly from the compliment.

"Like I said," Charlie shook his head, "don't remind me."

"It's good to see you well," Billy said with a dip of his chin.

"Thanks. Same to you."

"Jake, you remember Bella?" Billy called out to seemingly no one.

"Nope. Not a bit," I heard from the kitchen. A couple of shuffles and the sound of heavy footsteps later, I was staring up at a russet skinned, widely smiling giant.

He towered over me, so I took a step back to get a better look at him. Broad shouldered with gorgeous eyes so dark they almost looked black staring down at me, he was like the rest of the town, feeling so familiar in a way. And yet I didn't know him at all.

He tucked a piece of long black hair behind his ear, the smile never wavering. "Hope you don't mind, but I raided your fridge. You keep way better food in there than Charlie ever did."

"Oh." I blinked a couple times and then focused on the sandwich in his other hand. Roasted chicken and avocado, with a couple slices of turkey bacon left over from the breakfast Charlie made earlier in the week. Exactly what I'd had for lunch earlier. "Uh, thanks. You put ranch on it, right? It's no good without the ranch."

How could that smile get any bigger? It seemed impossible. But now, it was blinding, showcasing all these perfect, white teeth.

"Of course. Except it's that light shit."

"So?"

"It's no good without the fat," he said, tossing my words back at me.

"Then maybe I  _don't_  keep such good food in the house."

He barked out a laugh, making me smile. "Looks like I've been proved wrong."

I liked this guy.

"You remember Jacob?" Charlie asked me. "You guys played in the mud a lot when you were little. Your mother hated that."

I almost laughed. That was probably the exact moment I was struggling to remember just a few seconds ago, playing in the mud with Jacob, instead of swinging and keeping clean with his sisters, Rachel and Rebecca.

"Can't say I do," I answered. I stole a glance at Jacob again and shook my head.

He was still smiling.

"I  _do_  know you rebuilt my truck, though," I continued, "and I hear you did a fantastic job."

I hadn't allowed myself to think of my interaction with Edward the other day or put any meaning into the fact that  _he_  had been the one to fix my truck  _and_  detail it. I knew that once I started speculating, I'd never be able to stop. I'd scrutinize every moment, every facial expression or glance away, and hear more in his words or the intonation of his voice than necessary. I'd wonder constantly what it was about me that scared him and why, and I'd drive myself crazy—crazier than I was, that is—in the process.

The fact of the matter was that Edward Cullen, no matter how privileged he seemed or beautiful on the outside he was, was broken. Maybe beyond repair. In all likelihood, getting attached to him would, ironically, shatter my own heart.

On cue, pain flared in my chest. Rational thought seemed to have absolutely no bearing on what I felt. My choice had been made for me. Walking away from him still wasn't an option.

It'd never be an option.

"Hear?"

I blinked a couple times to focus on the word Jacob had said. "I wouldn't actually know since I don't know anything about cars," I explained.

"Who'd you hear it from?"

"The Cullens. I… Thank you for putting so much work into it. I love that old truck."

A flash of pink colored his cheeks but he was nonchalant when he answered. "It's what I do."

"Then why don't you work in Emmett's garage?"

His brows shot up in surprise. "Why should I?"

"Why _shouldn't_  you?" I countered.

Jacob shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich, chewing for just a second before answering around his food. "It's kind of far away."

"It's not. It takes like fifteen minutes or something."

"Okay, let me put it this way: it is when you don't have a vehicle."

"Oh." My face dropped. I felt like such an idiot. If I understood everything that had been said between Charlie and Sam the other day, _I_  had his vehicle. "Sorry. I didn't know."

"It is what it is."

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I cleared my throat and focused on Charlie. "Alice recommended a trail for me to hike on tomorrow. Know where I can get a pair of boots?"

"Um, Newton's up the road. You're going alone?"

"Yeah." I expected him to argue like Renee always did, so I quickly barreled ahead. "I'll have my phone in case it has signal up there, I'll leave a copy of the map with the trail I plan to take highlighted on the kitchen table, and I'll make sure you know what time I expect to be back so you can send the search party out if I don't show. Okay?"

He ran his hand over his mustache and grinned as he waited for me to shut up.

"I'm used to Mom," I mumbled. I could hear Jacob snickering beside me but ignored it.

"I trust you, Bella. You tell me where you'll be, like you just did, and I won't have a problem with you hiking alone."

"Seriously?" I asked dubiously.

He nodded. "Just have fun this summer. Responsible fun. That's all I ask."

"Thanks." I stood there for a second, debating on whether or not to ask Jacob along before finally blowing caution to the wind. "Wanna come, Jake?"

He looked surprised by my question, but managed a nod. "Sure. I could use a trip into town."

I ignored my father's massive grin and darted out the door, Jacob right behind me. We each took to the appropriate side of the truck and got in, not speaking again until I'd backed out of the driveway and put the truck into first gear.

"She shifts a little rough," Jacob murmured, staring down at my feet.

"I like it. It makes me try harder." I pressed down on the clutch and shifted to second. "See? Not so bad."

"I guess not. I could check it out sometime if you want," he replied.

For some reason, the thought of anyone's hands on my truck other than Edward Cullen's or my own displeased me.

"If it gets worse, I'll let you know," I hedged.

"No, you won't," he laughed.

"What? I… Why wouldn't I?" I sputtered in shock. I couldn't understand how he'd managed to figure me out so quickly.

He shrugged and stared out the window. "Doesn't matter. But if something happens and you need a good mechanic, I'm sure you'll be able to find me."

"At Billy's."

"At Billy's," he said, turning back around to look at me. "Because I am just  _that_  awesome."

"Well, I live with my dad too," I replied.

"It's not the same. You're going to college. You're not stuck like I am."

"You're not stuck."

"Who'd take care of him, huh, Bella?" he retorted. "My sisters sure as hell aren't going to come back for him. And I can only dream of the cash required to hire someone."

"You're not stuck," I repeated firmly. "If you want out bad enough, you'll get out. Be free, Jake. Go fly with the birds or whatever."

A quiet laugh rumbled in his chest. "Like you?"

"I would hardly consider myself free," I answered honestly.

He gave me a funny look.

"It's… It's a long story. Let's just leave it at that."

"Suit yourself."

Soon after, I pulled into the parking lot at Newton's and stepped out of the truck.

"So… are you coming in or going elsewhere?" I asked Jacob.

He glanced over his shoulder before answering me. "I'll meet you inside. Give me ten minutes?"

"Okay."

I walked into the store and went directly to the shoe department in the back. I picked up boot after boot, putting every last one of them back as I examined the price tags. Boots had been such a bad idea. I really couldn't afford any of them, which meant my hiking trip was probably canceled, at least until I got my first paycheck from Emmett. There was no way my Nikes would hold up in all that shit, and I didn't know how long it would take for me to save up the money to replace them if I ended up wearing and ruining them, anyway.

Like pretty much everything in my life so far, it'd just have to wait.

"Bella?"

I was so busy trying to decide if they'd be worth the cost of eating Ramen for the first few weeks at UDub that the sound of the familiar voice startled me. I whirled around, causing Dr. Cullen to give me a quizzical smile in return.

"Dr. Cullen!" I pressed my lips together as I realized my slip. "I mean, Carlisle. Hi."

"Hello." His smile brightened. "I didn't mean to surprise you."

"It's okay," I stared over at the display of camping gear behind him. Looking at him was… Well, no need to repeat that. "I was just thinking. Sorry."

"So we noticed," he said pleasantly. "Going hiking?"

He had his arm wrapped around the waist of a caramel haired woman. My God, the whole family was beautiful. Her skin was dewy and smattered with freckles and her eyes were the prettiest color brown I'd ever seen on a person, flecked with honey and amber and were so much nicer than my own. As I stood there staring at her, I realized she was waiting expectantly for a response. Just like I assumed Dr. Cullen would be if I were to look over at him again.

Only I had none. This was Edward's mother. They were Edward's  _parents_. And they had no idea why I'd come to Forks.

I fumbled for something appropriate to say as I stuck the boot I had in my hand back on the shelf. The need to divulge my secret weight heavily on my tongue, and my stomach twisted in knots just thinking of what their reaction would be when they found out who I really was.

Not everyone was as understanding as Maggie's parents had been.

"Um, I wanted to…" I finally answered, rubbing at my chest hard.

The movement didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Cullen. "But?" he prompted, watching me closely.

"I kind of have to wait for my first paycheck." My cheeks flamed with the admission. "Thank you for the job, by the way. Emmett's great. They all are, actually."

"Edward's being nice to you?" the woman said suddenly, as if the thought of Edward being rude to anyone was appalling to her. And I supposed if I were his mother, I'd be appalled with his behavior too. "You be honest with me. Don't lie for that boy."

"He's… getting used to me," I said with an awkward laugh.

She smiled warmly. "Good enough. I'm Esme, by the way. The mom."

"So I gathered. It's very nice to meet you," I told her. And it was. Despite it all, I was glad to meet the other person who pulled Edward out of whatever shitty life he'd been living in Chicago.

"You too, Bella. You like those?" she questioned, grabbing the boot I'd just been holding and examining it.

"Uh, yeah."

"They're great." She flipped them over to see the price on the sole and frowned. "Ooh, maybe not."

I let out a little laugh. "That was my first thought."

"You wear a seven, right?"

I pursed my lips a little. "How'd you guess?"

Dr. Cullen laughed, gazing over at his wife with so much emotion, my throat constricted. I'd never seen anything like it before. "She has a knack for that kind of thing. Comes with being an architect, I suppose. She's very observant."

I spotted Jacob coming through the door, his black head barely visible above the shelves between us and offered the Cullens a small smile.

"My friend just got back. I should go."

Carlilse nodded. "Quick question, Bella."

"Yeah?" I asked, allowing myself to fully gaze at him. Yep, still just as pretty as the last time.

"Where were you planning to hike to?"

"Oh," I glanced down at my feet, a little taken aback by his question, "my best friend is kind of a know-it-all. She'd been researching the area and found a spot accessible just off the highway. Third Beach trail, I think? There's a pretty decent-sized waterfall not too far from the trailhead, I guess. It sounded nice, so I thought I'd try to go before the weather turns again."

Something flashed in Carlisle's eyes. Not pity but something… "Well, I hope you get to go soon. I know the spot, and your friend was right to direct you to it. It's beautiful this time of year."

"Really? Maybe next weekend then," I answered, hiding my dejection as best as I could. "Anyway, it was nice meeting you, Mrs. Cullen-"

"Esme," she interrupted, exchanging some kind of look with her husband.

"Esme," I corrected myself. "I'll see you guys later."

It took everything I had not to flee the scene and walk over to where Jacob was. I was so humiliated, all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and not come out until I was certain that the Cullens had forgotten about the pathetic transplant recipient who couldn't even afford to buy the cheapest hiking boots in the store, much less a pair that would actually hold up and be worth her while.

"Find something?" Jacob asked before he looked my way. He frowned. "Stupid question, I guess."

"They didn't have my size," I lied. "I'm not feeling so hot. I'm going back out to the truck."

"You…" His eyes shifted to my chest. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired. It's been a long couple of weeks. Moving, new job and all…"

He nodded in understanding. "I'll be out in a sec."

The ride back to the house was filled with plenty of jokes from Jacob and giggling from me. I knew what he was doing, and I was just selfish enough to let him. Having him distract me with some of the most ridiculous jokes I'd ever heard was a wonderful change from the normal, angsty thoughts I'd been having lately.

But even if he hadn't been trying to get me to laugh, I was sure a smile would have been on my face from just his presence. It was exceedingly hard to keep a straight face around this guy. His energy was just so… infectious.

He reminded me of Alice. Maybe that was why I felt so at ease with him.

Jacob and his father didn't stick around long after we got back, so I spent the majority of my late afternoon in the kitchen cooking. Homemade lasagna, to be exact. Once it was assembled and put in the oven, I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and scrolled down until I found Alice's number.

My face lit up when she answered.

"Bella!" she nearly squealed. "You got my email!"

"I did," I started pulling the ingredients out of the refrigerator to make a salad later, "and I've been dying to call you ever since."

This time, she actually did squeal. "I'm so glad you did. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too. I haven't gone this long without seeing you since…"

"Summer before our junior year when my mom planned that horrible fucking vacation in Mexico," she finished for me. "God, the size of those flies… And I swear they were all wasted on tequila. Her boyfriend could just reach his hand out and catch them."

I put my hand over my mouth to cover up my giggles. I could only imagine Alice's face or the shudder that ran through her as she talked about it. "Prissy" might definitely be the best word to describe her at times.

"So anyway," she said excitedly, "have you met the brother yet?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

"And?"

"And… I… Alice, he looks nothing like her," I said as I clung to the phone.

"No?"

"No," I confirmed. "I had no idea it was him until Charlie told me."

"But it's him? For sure?"

I made a little sound of agreement. "It's so weird, though. I mean, I know not all siblings have to resemble each other. But I thought I'd have some kind of recognition when I saw him. All I could think about was how much of a dick he is."

Alice giggled, a high-pitched tinkling sound that made me long to see her again. "Well, how different is different?" she asked. "Maggie was blonde, right?"

"With freckles," I said.

"Let me guess. The brother has none?"

"Not a single one."

She huffed. "It wouldn't kill you to be a little more forthcoming, Bells."

"I'm sorry," I laughed. "I'm just tired."

"It's fine. So the brother's not blonde either, huh?"

"No. Edward…" I said, wanting her to stop referring to him as 'he brother'. "His hair is so dark and has this funny red hue to it."

"Well, blonde and red-headed siblings aren't too strange," she said gently.

"I know, but…" I didn't know how to explain it. "I just thought I'd instantly recognize him. I've gone off of my gut this entire time, and-"

I instantly thought of the strange pull I'd felt outside the garage.

"What?"

"I'm lying," I replied. "I knew he was there. I just didn't know that the asshole inside was him until I came home that night."

"But you knew you were supposed to be there."

"Yeah."

"Freaky," she teased.

"Shut up!" I shot back with a laugh.

Alice was silent for a few moments. "Bella," she said hesitantly. "Physically speaking, do they have anything in common at all? I just… I don't want you to think it's him and it wind up being the wrong guy. I know your dad did the research and all, but what if those people at the adoption agency Maggie's parents used mixed up the files or something crazy?"

I closed my eyes and conjured up the images of all the photos I'd seen scattered around the Carr's home and had in my file upstairs. "Their eyes," I eventually answered. "They have the same green eyes."  _Not the same_ , I amended in my head. Because hers weren't as hypnotic or deep in color as his.

"Have you told him?"

"I've tried. I just can't get the words out. It's like they stick to my throat," I confessed.

"Hmm." Silence stretched out between us again.

"Have you told him anything about yourself?"

"Some stuff."

"Does he know your condition? That you had a heart transplant because of it?"

"No."

"You like him."

"Alice. He's a dick," I reminded her.

"But you have a soft spot for him," she said knowingly.

I started to deny it, but abruptly stopped myself. She was absolutely right. No matter how rude or weird Edward Cullen acted toward me, I always managed to somehow look past it.

"I'm a moron," I said as my answer.

She laughed loudly. "You're not. At all."

"Well, if I'm not stupid, then I guess that means I'm pretty fucked up. Or a masochist. Either of them is a pretty good description at the moment."

"Maybe," she agreed. "So I want pictures when you go on that hike tomorrow."

"Alice, I'm not-"

The sound of the doorbell cut me off.

"Who the hell could that be?" I wondered as I hurried into the living room.

Charlie swung the door open as I stepped into the room, revealing a guy not much older, if any, than me. His blonde hair was gelled into spikes, he was unnaturally tan for this area of the country—regardless of the fact that it was summer—and he work a pair of khaki cargo pants with a green polo shirt with the Newton's logo on it.

Weird.

"Hey, Chief Swan," he greeted pleasantly. He held up a package between them. "This is for your daughter. It's…"

I waved with my free hand, ignoring Alice's curious rambling in my ear. "I'm the daughter."

"Oh." He looked around awkwardly. "I'm Mike Newton. My parents own-"

"Yeah, Newton's," I interrupted. "I didn't buy anything today, though."

"I know, it's just…" He thrust the package at Charlie. "I was told to bring this here when I got off."

I scowled and closed the distance between us, taking the box from Charlie as soon as I was near. I fiddled with the edge of the packing tape, and then pulled in back, revealing a shoe box…

"No," I gasped. "No fucking way."

"Bella, watch your mouth," Charlie scolded.

I couldn't even open the box to see the boots inside. I just shook my head and pushed the box back at the boy on our front stoop. "I can't accept these."

"Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Don't you dare send it back!"

Charlie laughed as Alice's screeches rang out through the room. I cringed.

He thanked the Newton kid and eased the door closed as I stared down at the box in my hands.

"Alice, you don't even know what it is."

"Then tell me."

"Boots," I said softly. "Hiking boots for tomorrow."

She was quiet just long enough to process that. "You weren't going to go."

"I was, but not tomorrow. I was hoping for next weekend, though," I admitted.

"Who're they from?" Charlie asked me.

"Yeah, what he said," Alice chimed in. "Who the hell sent you hiking boots?"

"I have no idea." I glanced up at Charlie. "Dad, what should I do?"

"You keep them!" Alice screeched again.

"Okay, I love you, but the screeching has got to stop," I snapped. "Or else I'm hanging up."

"Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just… Holy shit, someone bought you a gift. A really, really good gift. Bella, you can't return them. You need to figure out who it was and thank them. Ooh, maybe it was the brother."

I snorted. "Yeah, right. Edward would never…"

Then it hit me. Edward might not have bought me the boots, but I was betting that one of the Cullens did.

And I had a pretty good guess which one it was.

"Alice, I'll call you back."

"What? Bella-"

I didn't let her finish her sentence before ending the call. "Dad, I'll be back in a little bit. Take the lasagna out in twenty minutes and eat without me. I don't know how long I'll be."

"Where are you running off to?" he asked confusedly.

I grabbed my keys off the table next to the door, tucked the box under my arm, and started out the door.

"The Cullen's!" I called over my shoulder. "It's south, right?"

"Yeah. Right off the S curve. Why?"

"I think Esme gave me these."

* * *

**I just want to give a huge thanks to the girls over at IndieFicPimp for featuring Dear Maggie as the new fic of the week (8/22). SO THANK YOU, IT WAS AMAZING! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks to the beta dude, Stratan, for being well, him.**

* * *

Chapter 6

**Edward**

My heart slammed into my throat and my stomach rolled, jerking me out of the nightmare I'd been having. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, feeling my skin break out into a cold sweat as I struggled to rein in the need to hyperventilate. I could still feel the searing pain as the first bullet tore through my chest, then again as the second ripped through my torso and sent me sprawling out on the pavement. I could feel the sense of weightlessness that came with the blood loss and my heartbeat slowly decreasing as each second passed. I could hear feet stomping beside me, the shriek of a neighboring woman when she found me, and the sound of sirens screeching as they made their way to where the shooting had taken place.

This was exactly why I didn't sleep. When I did, my subconscious frequently dredged up old memories and replayed them over and over again until I was physically ill. I couldn't believe I'd actually fallen asleep as quickly as I did. "Nap", "sleep", "rest", or any other synonym of that kind, was not in my vocabulary. Usually. This week, apparently, was a different fucking story. My eyes seemed to slip close regardless of how much caffeine or energy drinks I consumed during the day or what I did in an effort to stay awake when I holed up in my room each night. And it all started on the night Bella started working for Emmett.

I ran my hands over my face and decided that for once, I couldn't pretend that I was all right. I had to get up and move around, do something to distract myself from the scene that I had just awoken to.

Because it still hurt like fucking hell.

I threw on a pair of jeans and an old, ratty gray t-shirt before heading downstairs. The clock ticking was the only sound in the house, and I had a sudden, fervent moment of wishful thinking as I grabbed my keys and walked out the door. I wanted to be able to sleep easy at night, like all the other people in this house. I wanted one night that I could sleep a solid eight hours and not picture everything that had happened to me in the past. I wanted to look in the mirror and not see dark shadows sitting under my eyes and hollowed out cheekbones. I wanted to be a decent fucking human, but I had no idea how to even try for that.

Then again, I didn't have a reason to, either.

"Maybe you should get back into therapy," I mumbled as I slid into the driver's seat of the Volvo. It made sense. Before, I could deal. Now, with everything suddenly finding its way back into my life again, I wasn't sure I could. Case in point: I was practically sneaking out of my parent's house to go… who knew where. I hadn't done this since I'd first been adopted.

Reverting back to the way I was before wasn't an option. I'd worked too hard to have at least a little resemblance of normal before now.

I drove the short distance toward town, only to abruptly turn off to go to First Beach. The sun would rise soon, so I wanted to watch the ocean light up as the sun came up over the forest behind me.

"Since when did you turn into such a girl?" I scoffed, maneuvering a turn quickly.

I pressed a button on my stereo, turning off the classical music I typically drove to, and then cranked up the heavy metal on the radio to drown out said sudden girlishness. It was getting fucking ridiculous.

I drove through La Push, thankful that the engine in my Volvo was a quiet purr, rather than the low rumble of most of the engines that came into Emmett's shop. The last thing I needed to deal with was a bunch of locals coming out of their doors to see what the fuck I was up to at five in the morning.

When I got to the beach, I pulled onto the side of the road behind an old, beat up Chevy pickup that looked like it had seen better days. It reminded me of Bella's, and I suddenly ached to see her behind the wheel of it, smiling over at me in such a way that my heart skipped a beat.

I exhaled sharply and pushed the thought out of my mind, which was typically the only action I was doing against thoughts like that. It was avoidance, plain and simple. Locking it away to be dealt with at another time.

But I would lose my mind if I didn't begin to deal with this soon. Coming face to face with all my demons again was not something I was looking forward to. I was… terrified, just like I'd told Bella. Of her. Of the feelings she evoked in me. Of why I could no longer pretend that the past hadn't happened at all and why my subconscious was so hell-bent to deal with it.

Fuck, I didn't know if I could go back there again, to that exact moment in time when my entire world had gone wrong.

It was still dark as hell, so I pulled a huge, charcoal flashlight out from under my seat and turned it on, locking my car as I started toward the sound of the ocean in the distance.

The pebbles crunched under my feet, and the wind suctioned my t-shirt to my body. It was chilly, but I didn't care. I welcomed it. The cold awakened me, and it burned through my lungs, providing me with a much needed distraction from the blurry images that still flickered in my mind.

I sat down on the ground and leaned back against a large piece of driftwood, just willing for some kind of… clarity. Everything was so muddled these days, my past mixing with my present, how I felt when I was around Bella. I just needed one moment of peace, although, honestly, that probably wasn't happening any time soon. I hadn't had peace in such a long time I'd forgotten what it felt like.

I was letting one girl affect me more than necessary, and I had no idea how to go about fixing that.

I lit a cigarette and willed for my body to go numb as I watched the waves crash onto the shore. I let it all fade away until I was relaxed enough to compartmentalize everything again. It was the only way I was going to cope, by dealing with one specific issue at a time.

Dealing with Bella was the first thing on my list.

Going to back to Seattle and the apartment I shared with Jasper during the school year was an option, but every time I considered it, I felt hollow—more so than before. If I thought leaving Forks and my family every fall was hard before, leaving Bella would be infinitely harder. As much as I hated to admit it, in just a few short days, I'd gotten used to seeing her on the phone or concentrating on the computer screen as she typed in some kind of information for Emmett every day.

I grabbed a handful of rock and threw it out at the water, furious with my indecisiveness. I couldn't keep warring with myself every day. I needed to make a decision and stick to it. But I was still torn between wanting to give into this urge to  _try_  to be with Bella and fleeing the fucking country so that she could forget she'd ever met the green-eyed monster from Forks.

It was absolutely, without a doubt, the best possible scenario: Bella forgetting that I'd ever existed. Because let's just say that—hypothetically speaking— if I was able to give her something of myself, friendship or more, I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't hurt her eventually. I could  _never_  guarantee that I wouldn't hurt her.

The pebbles disappeared in the water, lost in the current somewhere. Bella moved like that. Like water. Sinuous and graceful until all at once, it was like something had been thrown into the water, disturbing its seemingly calm surface. She'd lose focus and trip, spilling out onto the floor or knocking a mountain of paperwork off the desk in her wake.

I'd never seen anything like it. And it hit me that if I left, maybe I never would again.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there and watched the ocean, but I realized the beach was full of people when I came out of my stupor. Some were milling around on the beach, looking for sea glass, shells, and everything else they could find, and others were taking advantage of the weather and surfing further off the coast. The sun was high in the sky somewhere behind the clouds now, so I finally got up from my spot and headed back toward the car. But I didn't go home. I drove aimlessly around trying to decompress before I faced my family again. I didn't want them to see what I was hiding, that the reason I'd left in the first place was because of weakness.

I was growing tired of being weak, and so my idle thought of getting back into therapy became more of a resolution. I wanted to be, not resemble, normal for once, as normal as someone in my station could ever be and in whatever capacity that word meant. At almost twenty-three, and with the help of countless therapists and counselors, I still didn't know.

I parked in my usual spot inside the garage when I got home. The smell of dinner cooking hung heavy in the air when I stepped inside, so I immediately went to the kitchen to let Esme know I was back. I'd probably worried her enough for one day.

She didn't hear me come in, too busy stirring something in a pot and listening to the music blasting in her ears from her iPod. I stood there for a moment, trying to decide the best way to approach her. I didn't want to walk over and touch her—I never initiated contact with anyone at any time—but standing here wasn't doing any good. She'd yet to notice me.

I gave up and crossed the room, lightly putting my hand on her shoulder as soon as I was near. The second she glanced over at me, I drew my hand back and shoved it in my pocket to match what my other hand was doing. Today was not the day to let my touch linger on someone. With everything running through my mind, I had a feeling it would be pushing too much too soon.

She jerked her ear buds out of her ear and took a furious step back. "Where've you been?" she demanded.

"Out."

"Out?" Her face hardened. "I realize you're a grown man, but 'out'? Really, Edward?"

"I went to La Push," I replied, hoping to close the subject. "It smells good in here. What is it?"

"Food," was all I got back. I  _had_  worried her.

I frowned. "Sorry."

Esme's shoulders fell forward, but she kept her eyes on the bubbling concoction in the pan. "I know something's going on with you," she said quietly. "I won't ask, but… don't keep it all bottled up, okay? You know what-"

"I'm not," I interjected. I didn't think I  _could_ bottle it up anymore. "I think I'm going to get back into therapy. I'm going to ask Dad for a reference later." I was hoping someone with a fresh look on everything could patch me up better than all of the other doctors I'd already been to. "Maybe someone in Seattle, in case I still want to go when I head back to school."

I could see all those questions she refused to ask in her eyes as she stared back at me. She knew me well enough to know that I didn't have answers for them. Or wouldn't answer them.

I loved her more for that.

"I'm okay, Mom. I just… need to get back into it, that's all."

"You're sure?"

I simply nodded.

"All right." She took a deep breath. "I love you, Edward. We all do. Just remember that."

"I know."

The doorbell chimed throughout the house, and I cocked my brow at Esme expectantly. "Dinner guests you forgot to warn me about?"

"Actually, no," she admitted with a laugh. "Go see who it is, would you?"

I dutifully wound my way through the house and to the front door. The second I opened it, I reared back in shock and dragged my hands through my hair in frustration. I just could not catch a break these days.

"What the fuck?" tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Bella's eyes shot up to mine, hurt flashing in their chocolate depths before she locked it down. Damn it, I'd managed to hurt her already.  _Exactly_  what I wanted to avoid.

"Nice to see you too," she snarked. "Your mom around?"

"Why?"

She sighed. "This is why."

She opened up a box to reveal a pair of hiking boots, likely from Newton's. "So you have a pair of boots," I said sarcastically. "Big deal. I don't see what my mother has to do with it."

"Edward, I'm not doing this with you tonight," she snapped. "Get out of the way."

I stood there stubbornly. Then again, so did she. She wasn't planning to leave until she'd spoken to Esme. I could see the determination written all over her face.

I scrubbed my face and stepped aside. "Ah, Christ," I relented. "She's in the kitchen. I need a smoke, anyway."

"Stay far away from me when you do it." She searched my face for something before adding, "Please."

"I'll shut the door behind me, princess," I bit back.

I heard her growl a little under her breath as she walked inside, but paid it no mind. I knew I was being an asshole. I just couldn't stop myself. It was a defense mechanism. I didn't have any kind of clue of what I was going to do about the girl. Staying away from her seemed to be unfeasible thanks to circumstance or whatever the hell it was that kept throwing us together. This was the only way I knew how to keep her out. If she was pissed off at me, she couldn't get under my skin again.

So I hoped.

The fucking cigarette wasn't the least bit satisfying knowing that Bella was in there talking to my mother. I ended up only smoking half of it before stubbing it out and flicking it into the yard somewhere. Then, I rushed back inside, wiping my hands on my clothes like it was going to rid me of the toxins I'd just put all over them. Bella would breathe it in, no matter how far away I was from her when I actually smoked. And with that scar…

I was such a goddamned dick.

"Mrs. Cullen-"

"I already told you, Bella. It's Esme."

" _Esme_ ," I could hear the annoyance in Bella's voice, "I can't keep these."

"Why not? Give me one good reason," Esme requested.

"Because… I… I know what you're doing here," she laughed. "And I'm not one of your charity cases."

I chose that moment to step into the kitchen, wanting very much to see my mother's reaction to that. Not just hear it. Esme Cullen did not do charity. She did what she wanted when she wanted.

End of story.

"Bella Swan, I have never been compelled to do anything for a person because I felt sorry for them or because of some strange sense of self-satisfaction like a lot of rich women out there. You needed boots to go hiking to the waterfall tomorrow; I provided you with them because  _I can_. That's all there is to it."

The pause my mother gave had me tensing. She had an ulterior motive.

"Well, not exactly. I want the two of you to go up there together," she finished.

"What?" I shouted, almost startling Bella right out of her seat.

Used to my outbursts, Esme just shrugged. "You heard me."

"But… but why?" I sputtered. "I don't even know her!"

"Because there is no one else in this town—not even a park ranger—who knows that area better than you or your father. Carlisle is busy tomorrow, but you're free. I don't want Bella roaming the woods alone," Esme explained. "Not this first time, at least."

"Charlie was fine with it," Bella protested. "He knows I wouldn't-"

"It's not up for debate. Think of it as a 'thank you' for your job. I'm sure you've been thinking of ways since you started," she said gently, patting her leg and giving her a soft smile.

And there it was. She went right in for the kill, phrasing her demand so that _Bella_  couldn't say no. And, in turn, neither could I.

I narrowed my eyes, on the verge of exploding at Esme for the first time since I'd been adopted. This was absolute bullshit.

She aimed her smile up at me. "What do you say, sweetie? Show Bella Falls Creek?"

I ground my teeth together so I didn't yell my answer at her. "Fine."

"Are you two serious?" Bella gasped in shock.

"Of course I am," Esme answered innocently.

"Be at the Third Beach trailhead at seven. If you're so much as five seconds late, I'll leave."

"Your point?" Bella snarled at me. "I don't  _need_  a tour guide. I'm perfectly capable of going alone."

"You don't go with me then you'll have to look for another way to repay Carlisle. As you can see," I motioned grandly to the huge, state-of-the-art kitchen we were in, "he's kind of hard to buy for. So good luck with that."

She visibly paled. I'd struck a nerve.

Shit.

"See you in the morning," I yelled at her as I left the room. I fled not out of cowardice this time, but because if I was going to do this—and who was I kidding, I was—I needed to mentally prepare myself. I needed the time alone to figure out how the hell I was going to be able to stand being around Bella without either being a total fucking asshole to her or rip all of her clothes off and fuck her next to the creek below the falls.

Which, if I was being truly honest with myself, was an incredibly enticing thought…

No one bothered me the entire evening, not even Esme or Carlisle in an attempt to get me to eat anything. I couldn't have if I'd tried, though. I was too keyed up, scared shitless and unable to calm down. Perfect for staying awake; hell for my brain.

By the time dawn came, I'd geared myself up for battle. This was a way that I could start to face all those demons I had buried so deep, whether I was ready for it or not. After all, what better way was there to do so than by spending an entire day alone with the girl who tempted them to come out and play?

Bella was fire, and I was probably going to get burned, but I didn't stop myself; didn't even consider it as I drove to the trailhead and parked behind her awaiting truck. I'd chosen to meet here so that I didn't have to deal with Chief Swan's warning looks as well as being alone with Bella this morning. I could only take so much.

I grabbed the two coffees and breakfast I'd picked up on my way and headed toward her truck. Bella must've been waiting for me, because before I could even come around to her side of the truck, she flung her door open and stared up at me nervously. Her eyes shifted to the food in my hands as she slid out of the seat, and her mouth made a little round 'o' of surprise, causing images to flash through my mind of how it would look wrapped around my-

God damn it.

I shifted awkwardly and took in a steadying breath. "Peace offering," I mumbled.

"You came," she breathed. She stepped away from the truck but held the door. "Do you want to sit in here and eat or…?"

"Uh…" Remembering the last time I'd been alone with her in a confined space and everything that had gone with it, I took a step back and shook my head. "Out here's fine."

Her lips twitched a little as she shut the door behind her. "Scared again?"

I turned around and sat down on the edge of the road, placing the coffee and food next to me. Honesty, I reminded myself, even though I wanted to get defensive. No more bullshit. If I wanted to figure out how to let everything go, I probably needed to let someone in. Bella was just as good as any other.

But I knew that was a lie. Bella was  _better_  than any other for some odd reason.

"Yeah." I took a sip of coffee and handed hers to her, watching her closely as she sat beside me. "I don't um, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't talk to people much."

"I think I remember saying something similar the other day." She took the cup and gave me a small smile. "Thank you for breakfast."

I stared at her blankly for a moment, and then realized what she was waiting for. "You're welcome."

"Not so hard, is it?" she joked.

Actually, it was, but I didn't tell her that. She… she rattled my bones, this girl.

We ate in silence; the chirping of birds and the rustling of the paper around our croissants were the only sounds until we were through. Well, except for my annoying, rapidly thumping heart. That could probably be heard from a mile away.

She moved to get up, the back of her jeans scraping against the asphalt as she did, and dusted her ass off. My eyes wandered up, and then quickly found the ground again. She had rhinestones making a pretty little fucking pattern on her ass.

Holy. Shit.

"My backpack's on the other side. I've got some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we can bring if you need me to."

I swallowed thickly, willing my dick to go soft again. No luck. "No. Esme made a bunch of shit last night and stuck it in a cooler in the car. I'm not packing the fucker, though. We can take just what we think we'll use there."

"How come?"

"It's over seven miles back."

Her face twisted up as she thought about it. "The waterfall's seven miles away from here?"

I nodded.

"Oh." Her cheeks went pink from something she was thinking, and I wanted to groan with it. I'd be forced to look at it all day with no reprieve in sight. "I guess we should get going, then."

"Guess so."

We checked to make sure we had everything before heading out. The walk up to the falls was slow going and full of tension. I had nothing suitable to say to break the ice, and Bella was too busy staring at… Well, at fucking everything. If she wasn't just looking at it, she was examining it, feeling things like the moss growing over the fallen trees, the leaves that hung down over the path; mushrooms on the damp ground and pebbles—like the ones I'd thrown into the ocean yesterday—on the beach. I tried to be as patient as possible, but at the rate we were going, it'd be dark before we even made it there.

I exhaled sharply in frustration, catching myself and stealing a glance at Bella.

She looked pissed.

"Am I bothering you?" she asked angrily.

"I…" I ran my hands through my hair. "Well, if you'd stop  _touching_  everything and pick up the fucking pace we might actually make it to that damned waterfall this century."

She stopped abruptly and crossed her arms over her chest. "You know what? When you've spent the last three years in a hospital bed, thinking that you'll never do anything like this again, you tend to want to savor it the first time out. So forgive me, because that's exactly what I'm doing. If you don't like it, you're free to go on up."

I opened my mouth to respond, but I had nothing to say back. Instead, my eyes found their way to her chest, covered up by the lightweight, button up shirt she had on.

We stayed locked like that for a moment until she started moving up the trail. Curiosity burned in my veins, but I couldn't get the words to form on my tongue. I just moved with her for a while and watched her touch everything again.

"You can ask about it," she whispered, running her fingers along the soft leaves of a fern. She looked my way and practically stole my breath. She looked incredible out here surrounded by all of this. She… she fucking belonged out here.

"What, um…" I cleared my throat. "What do you have?"

The color of her face deepened as she said, "Well, I guess you could say that I don't have it anymore since they literally took out the problem the last time they opened me up… But it's hypertrophic cardiomyopathy?"

"Anymore?" I repeated, giving her a funny look. You didn't just miraculously heal from something like that. It was something you were born with, something you couldn't escape. Doctors merely cured its symptoms. I had no idea what she'd meant, unless… "Oh, fuck."

Heart transplant.

She wouldn't look at me now.

"I…" I didn't know how to respond to that. Sorry, maybe? So I tried it. "I'm so-"

"Don't you dare say it, Edward," she groaned. "Just… don't."

I opened my mouth to say something else, and then slammed it shut again when I realized that I could identify with her. I'd been on the brink of death once myself. It was the precise memory I'd fled from yesterday morning, and it seemed to be the first of many memories I'd hidden away to want to make itself known.

If sorry wasn't the appropriate response, I figured I'd try to tell her why that wasn't just a word to me.

"Bella, I was… I  _know_ …" But the words just wouldn't come. I'd never tried to tell anyone outside the many therapists I'd had what it was like lying there on the ground dying. What it was like before Carlisle and Esme found me. How terrified I'd been that the hospital administrators would send me out on the street before I was healed because I was some piece of shit kid who couldn't—or wouldn't, depending on who they were asking for—tell them where his parents were. Who had no way to pay.

Looking at Bella was like locking them in the vault of my brain somewhere. I couldn't formulate a way to say it.

She sighed and started to move again, this time a little faster. "How much further?" she questioned quietly.

She did it again, the fucking mind reader. She knew not to push me.

I glanced around to get my bearings. "Thirty more minutes," I guessed.

She nodded.

As we walked by the creek, light would occasionally filter through the trees, causing everything to brighten as we made our way through the dense forest. Bella's steps were now hurried, and a smile played at her lips the closer we got to the waterfall. We could hear the sound of it now, gradually getting louder and louder until the creek curved and we could see it and the area surrounding it clearly.

The sound of water gliding across the rock echoed around us. The sun was out, giving Bella the perfect opportunity to see the plants and flowers that grew here in all their glory, and it cast rainbows over dark stone.

But I saw none of it. All I could see was Bella and the stunned, ecstatic way her face lit up as she took it all in. Her hand came up to cover her gaping mouth as her eyes darted around, a gust of wind coming up from the ocean and whipping her hair around her face. Her hand moved down to her chest, grabbing at the fabric over her heart as she whispered something undecipherable.

It almost looked like a silent 'thank you'.

"I just… Shit, Edward, this is incredible!" she eventually shouted over at me.

"Yeah?" I moved toward her, pulled in by her blinding smile. "It's not bad."

"Not bad?" She shook her head and laughed. A warm feeling came over me as the sound spread out around us. "You're jaded. It's… I didn't know anything like this was here."

"I-" I stopped my argument because I had no reason to argue. She was right. I  _was_  jaded to this. But maybe Bella would whittle away at that, and I'd see it through fresh eyes again someday.

Then I remembered who I was and where I came from. I'd never have the purity she did. Not with everything I'd done before.

"I was shot," I said instead. Bella's eyes snapped to mine, large and uncertain, and I questioned my timing. I'd never shared anything this heavy in my life. I didn't have the slightest idea where to start.

"What did you just say?"

I glanced away, unable to watch her face as I told her this part of my past. "There was a point that I was homeless. Not because Elizabeth hadn't been able to afford a place to live. Because I ran away after…"

I gritted my teeth against the sick feeling that settled in my stomach. I would  _not_  lose my breakfast in front of her.

"I refused to do any more for them, so they found me and shot me. Left me to die."

She gasped, but I didn't dare look at her. Not yet. "Edward, who?"

I shook my head. I couldn't go that far into it. "Someone found me before I bled out and called an ambulance. I was…" I was only giving her pieces of the story. I couldn't seem to find any sort of flow, so I just stopped.

"I almost died. So when I tried to tell you I was sorry, it wasn't because of some bullshit 'this is what you say in situations like these' response. It was because I am."

"Okay." Her voice quaked, and my eyes involuntarily darted to hers. They were brimming with unshed tears.

"Why are you crying?" I asked in panic.

"For the boy." She shrugged. "He didn't deserve it."

"What the-?" I broke off, suddenly angry. "You don't have any fucking idea what I deserve."

She stood tall, giving me a fierce look. "You don't know what you do."

I pulled at my hair before I started to pull the pack off my shoulders. "Don't feel sorry for me, Bella."

"If you think for one second I feel sorry for you, you weren't paying any attention to the conversation we just had. I don't pity anyone. Ever. I know what it's like on the receiving end, and I'm too… too fucking proud to do that to someone else."

"Well, it all worked out," I said, not acknowledging how listening to her curse made my blood boil with need. "Carlisle and Esme found me in that hospital. My surgeon was an old med school buddy of his. So I got out. I never had to go back to that shithole life of mine."

"Good."

"Yeah."

We didn't speak much after that. Bella laid out a blanket over a fallen tree. She leaned against one of the branches, resting her head on her arms behind her head and closing her eyes each and every time the sun peeked out from the clouds. She eventually motioned for me to sit beside her, and as fucking awkward as it made me feel, I didn't resist. Feeling her body heat beside me was…

Indescribable.

"Why'd you come with me today?" she asked quietly, and then she giggled at herself. "I'm always asking you questions like these, aren't I? Why'd you do this? Why'd you do that? God, I must be so annoying."

"No. Never," I protested. I blinked a little at the earnestness behind that. I'd been convinced that I hated her somehow, but I was quickly realizing it wasn't Bella at all. It was hatred toward myself and everything this girl made me face.

She turned her head to the side and gave me a good, long look to see if I was lying. Satisfied that I wasn't, she said, "So then answer me."

"Esme…" I struggled with the words. "Well, she doesn't take no for an answer. It's how my brothers and I came into her family. It's… it's one of my favorite things about her. She has this innate way of phrasing something so that she gets her way. She knows just what buttons to push for everyone. So it would have been pointless to say no."

"What's your button?" she asked, pulling her lower lip in between her teeth as she waited for my answer.

"I don't really know," I admitted. "I guess I don't really know enough about myself to figure it out. Esme seems to, though."

"Well, she's your mom," Bella returned. "It's a mom's job to know that kind of shit."

"Not all moms," I said darkly.

"Your biological mom, Elizabeth?" She paused, and I knew she was waiting for confirmation. But something in her eyes told me she really didn't need it.

It was strange, but I nodded regardless.

"She doesn't count. I don't know anything about your situation before you met Carlisle and Esme—other than the shooting, of course—but I know enough to be able to say that she wasn't your mom. Not in the slightest. Esme is. And I'm sorry for that."

I gazed at her and saw no judgment in her eyes. Just honesty.

I was even more at a loss for words.

We went silent again until all at once, Bella shot up from her spot and started rifling through my nearby backpack.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I growled, reaching for the damn thing. There wasn't anything important in there, but I still had a little bit of self-respect. I wasn't about to let some random girl start digging through my shit.

"You haven't smoked… all day," she murmured, yanking whatever she could grab out of the pack.

"Ah…"

She caught the discomfort in my voice and stopped her motions. "Edward?"

"I knew um, that your scar… I mean, I'd caught a glimpse of it… Fuck," I muttered. Now I was really wising for one of those cigarettes. "Carlisle's been on my ass to quit for… for fucking ever, and gave me some of those stupid patches to wear. I didn't want to smoke around you, so… I-"

I yanked up the sleeve of my shirt to expose the clear patch I'd haphazardly put on this morning before walking out the door. "I probably need another by now…" No, not probably. I sure as fuck did.

She watched me rub at the plastic sticker for a second before timidly reaching out to touch my hand with hers. It wasn't much, just a quick squeeze, but my body didn't care. Like a fire had been started, heat flooded my veins with the simple gesture, cycling through my body until the inferno worked its way to rage in my chest.

"Thank you," she said softly.

For the first time in my adult life, I hadn't panicked from the spontaneous touch of another. I realized that I'd wanted it. Craved it, even.

Which would quite possibly, eventually, have me panicking for a wholly different reason, but at that specific moment, I hadn't been able to process any of the doubts or rebuttals that I normally would during that one, brief moment where her skin brushed over mine.

I simply marveled it.


	7. Chapter 7

**First and foremost, thank you to the beta dude for making sure this is legible.**

* * *

Chapter 7

**Bella**

The feeling of my hand folding over Edward's flashed through my mind as we headed up to the top of the falls together. I swallowed hard, thinking of how amazing his skin felt against mine, how… _right_. I hadn't planned it. I'd known from our brief interaction that he didn't appreciate having his personal space invaded like that. But I hadn't been able to stop myself. It was like I'd been possessed. Terrifying since I had no way of knowing what his reaction would be.

But it had been worth it to see the look on his face, the silent wonder that followed...

 _Holy shit_  was it worth it.

I was beginning to notice my thighs burn from the effort it had taken to get up the steep cliff. A light sheen of sweat covered my skin, and my lungs pulled in heavy, exerted breaths with every step I took on the stones surrounding the waterfall. Birds continued to chirp around us, and the sun—shining brightly now for a change—filtered through the canopy of the forest and made everything seem impossibly green… dreamy, even.

I loved it all.

All day, I'd purposely ignored the watch on my wrist or the clock on my phone. The hike to the waterfall was my time to admire the place my father called home. The time I spent lying on the tree beside the stream had been spent getting to know Edward a little better, although, it'd been incredibly hard and I hadn't learned much. But what he had told me meant more to me than he'd ever know. If I understood Rosalie correctly, it meant that I was the first outsider he'd ever shared anything with, even if getting shot was likely public record in Chicago.

I thought this would have made me happy. It had been exactly what I'd been hoping for, to learn about Edward's past and figure out what the hell I was doing here. But given the circumstances of my arrival to Forks, my guilt over it was thick and strong in my chest, slowly squeezing the air out of my lungs as I thought about it.

So I didn't. There would be plenty of time to think of ways to tell Edward about Maggie. I just wanted... I wanted him comfortable with me first. It seemed wrong to just blurt it out like I'd originally planned. Especially now that I knew him better. It led me to believe that he wouldn't take it particularly well.

But I needed to keep watch of my time. I may still have had the rest of the summer before I left for college, but time, in general, had a tendency to quickly spin out of control. Before you knew it, you'd lost your grip on it.

And I couldn't lose hold of it.

I also needed to do a little more research on their mother, the Elizabeth Masen I'd read about in Maggie's adoption paperwork, before I said anything. She seemed... Well, telling Edward that she wasn't his mother at all was the least insulting thing I could say about the woman. I felt oddly protective over him, and highly pissed off that she had kept Edward involved in her… mess. Whatever had happened to Edward made it clear that this woman was in no position to raise any child at all... and that Maggie, however it had happened, had gotten lucky.

"Oh, my God. My legs are killing me."

"You were the one who wanted to come up here..."

"I know." I drew in a quick breath. "I still do. I'm just tired and bitchy, that's all."

Edward turned around, his eyebrow cocked challengingly. "If you want to take a break-"

"You won't finish that sentence if you don't want me to push you off this hill," I interrupted.

His lips twitched a little and he shook his head. His guard was down today, so I stupidly prayed for him to smile, chanting it over and over again in my head until he turned back and started climbing again.

So close.

"Then don't be such a fucking baby," he shot back.

"All right, now I  _am_  going to push you," I shouted playfully, hurrying up the cliff after him.

This man needed to let loose and have some fun for a change.

I made it three steps before my leftover clumsiness kicked in and I slipped on a loose rock, tumbling forward and uttering a little screech of fear. Surprisingly enough, my heart let out one solid thump as I fell, and I scrambled to get a hold of something—anything—before I plummeted to the hard ground below.

But I didn't need to. Edward jerked me up by my arm and threw me against the solid base of the cliff like I weighed absolutely nothing.

"You stupid fucking-" He broke off and groaned, dropping his head down so it almost touched my shoulder. His body pinned mine against the wall of rock, and if I hadn't been so full of fear, I would have groaned myself. For a completely different reason.

Edward Cullen felt fantastic against me.

"Why? Why would you do that?" he asked me angrily.

I trembled against him, unable to really speak. The weight of his chest moving steadily with his sharp breaths echoed my own, and I twisted a little to see him clearly, shocked that his reaction was so close to mine.

We were both terrified.

"I wasn't... I mean, I..." My let my eyes drift to the stream below us, looking at all the boulders underneath the clear surface of the water, and my stomach rolled. "I don't-"

I stopped trying to explain.

"I'm sorry," I managed to croak instead.

His head snapped up and his eyes blazed down at me. They were wild, filled with emotions I couldn't understand, and my heart started to race with it.

Or from the recognition of adrenaline in my veins. I didn't know which.

"You  _should_  be." He backed away, only to collapse beside me. "Fuck."

I slid down the rock to join him on the ground. "So I guess we're going back down now, huh?" I asked lamely.

He let his head fall back against the rock and closed his eyes. "I don't even have the balls to let you move right now. Forget actually climbing, Bella."

I laughed once.

"I should've known," he mumbled to himself. "She's so goddamned clumsy."

"Hey," I said indignantly. "I can't help it."

"Trust me. I know."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It just means I watch you, that's all," he answered harshly. "We all do. It's impossible not to."

"Wait a minute, what did I do to you now?"

"You... It's..." His hands went into fists on the top of his knees, rubbing across the fabric of his jeans in frustration. "I cannot imagine  _not_  having you around."

I blinked. "And?"

"And that pisses me off."

"Really?" I whispered dubiously.

He shifted so that his whole body was facing me. "Did you know that every time I was an asshole to you was some ridiculous attempt to push you away? But I could never follow through, could I? Because I always end up letting you see some part of me that no one else does or do something... like taking you on this stupid hike or fixing your truck."

I was well aware of how unpredictable he was.

"You're a dick," I agreed. "I told my friend, Alice, that, by the way. Just you know... head's up or whatever."

"Oh, Jesus," he groaned. "See that is why I can't imagine not having you around. You're so... You just... You're the only person I've thought about trying to be with. Ever."

"You like me?" I asked, stunned.

"I think that's what this shit is."

"Think?" My chest started to ache, only instead of it being that strange pull I always felt whenever Edward was near, it was anxiety. I knew how I felt about him, how he was always on my mind and in this heart. I'd wanted him to touch me from the first glimmer of his personality he'd let me see. And despite my guilty conscience, I couldn't wait for him to kiss me.

I was an awful, horrible human being. But right then, I didn't care. I just wanted him to feel the same.

"Yeah, I fucking like you," he spat. "But it doesn't mean a thing."

Now I was confused. "Why not? I like you too."

His beautiful face crumpled in pain. "Don't say that. Please..."

"Then explain to me why the hell not," I bit out.

"I'm no good for you," he said so low I had to strain to hear him over the water. "I'm fucked up... I'll... I'll hurt you. I can't-"

"Whoa, stop." I moved to my knees so that I was eye-level with him. "Why would you ever think you're no good for me?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter, Edward." My chest burned so much I pressed my hand up against it in hopes of stopping it. His eyes followed the movement, watching it intensely... longingly. "I'm not really all that great myself-"

"Don't do that," he said between his teeth, his eyes never leaving the place my hand sat. "Please don't."

"Like you  _don't_?" I countered.

He huffed in agitation and pushed away from me, closing himself off from the world again. I could see each brick being laid; they blocked any access I might've once had to him as each second ticked by. It was infuriating to see him do this, but I had no idea how to stop it. I didn't know enough about him to begin to even try. So I just sat there with him, waiting until we were both calm enough to attempt the climb down toward the beach and our belongings.

By the time we made it back to solid ground, I'd decided I hated Elizabeth Masen for destroying this amazing man.

"Ready to go home?" he asked as he started packing everything back up. He sounded so... defeated.

Much like I did at the moment.

"Whatever, Edward," I sighed.

I told myself again that he was ruined. It wasn't like it was a surprise; I'd known it all along. But that did nothing to ease the pressure in my chest. I had no idea what a broken heart felt like, but I was guessing it was fairly similar to what I felt now. And it hurt more than I could have ever thought possible.

His eyes flashed to mine, holding them for a brief moment before dropping them back down again, almost as if he was ashamed of seeing me hurt this way. "It's... it's for the best," he mumbled.

My mouth fell open. For the best?

"You do not get to tell me what's best for me," I growled, stomping away from him. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and headed down the trail.

Without Edward.

I knew he was behind me the whole time, though. He somehow managed to keep a safe distance away from me without ever letting me out of his sight. I could feel him and hear his footfalls on the ground behind me. I knew when his eyes bore into me, but I refused to turn around. He seemed to be letting me walk off my anger... or maybe he just didn't want to deal with me anymore. I had no idea which one it was, and I wasn't going to attempt to figure it out. He was much too complicated for my simple mind.

And I was still pissed off. So it didn't matter.

The sky was purple with twilight when we got back to our vehicles. I hurried over to my truck and threw my backpack inside. I debated leaving without a goodbye, but I couldn't do it. I could never just leave Edward in the dust.

Resigned, I spun around and came face to face with him, watching as his lips contorted into that snarl I loved so much as soon as our eyes connected.

"You're fucking mad at me..." He paused, raking me with a derisive look. "You're fucking pissed off because I was honest with you and told you I was no good for you? What kind of shit is-?"

"No, I'm  _fucking pissed off_ because you're telling me what I can and cannot do with my life, what's 'for the best'," I mocked. "I spent my entire life having my mother do it, and then have had to deal with the same shit coming from every doctor that has ever examined me. I'm not doing it with anyone else ever again, Edward. Not even you. No matter how much I might want to be with you."

"God," hand through the hair again, "fuck!" he screamed. "Do you know how badly I want to tell you to just fuck off? That I don't care if you're pissed at me?"

"Then do it," I challenged. But my body belied my words and sagged against the seat.

He growled. "Why is this so hard? Why can't I just let you stay mad at me?"

I stood there quietly and let him yell it all out. Curses and groans flew from his lips, and he looked like he wanted to throw something... or _himself_ at the something. But not a single word was aimed at me. I was witnessing some sort of break down, and as much as I wanted to spit the words about Maggie's heart out at him and leave him here with his demons alone, it wasn't fair.

None of this was fair.

After a while, the turmoil inside him died down. He cautiously approached me, stopping so that he was just in front of me. My body reacted like it always did around him. Sweating palms, heavy breaths, flutters in my stomach. I wanted him to close the few inches between us and feel his lips on mine, but he didn't.

He didn't move for what felt like an eternity.

"Slow," he eventually said. "I can't... Not unless it's slow."

The way his green eyes burned with this sort of pleading sincerity made me want to take him in my arms, but if I did, I'd freak him out and make him flee. So I simply let my lips curve into a smile and replied with, "Crawling."

He exhaled in relief and nodded. I could see his jaw work as he chewed on his cheek and stared at me. I wanted desperately to know what he was thinking, because I just couldn't tell. As always, his face and his eyes displayed so many emotions I couldn't get a handle on them. But like the patient girl I was pretending to be, I waited for him to tell me.

"I... Let me try something," he whispered.

"Okay."

His fingers shook as they brushed over my cheek, down toward my jaw. He pulled his hand back for a split second before some kind of steel resolve came over him, and then touched me again. His hand was steadier now, moving down my neck until it came to the first, fastened button of my shirt. He expertly flicked it open, revealing the top of my scar, and then dragged his fingers down slowly... so fucking slowly—like he was reiterating his earlier words further—to feel the new flesh at the incision site.

Every inch of me yearned for more. More pressure, more of his fingers moving over my body, more of this... feeling he was giving me. My heart sped up the closer he got to it, startling me. My eyes widened and darted up to his, and then a soft moan came pouring out of my mouth when I got a good look of the desperation on his face.

The sound had been enough to break the spell, and with a quick jerk of his hand, he was no longer near me, standing two feet in front of me and looking absolutely torn.

"What was... um...?" I cleared my throat and tried to find my voice, my breath... anything. "What was that about?"

"I don't usually touch people," he said softly. "I normally don't like it."

"But I've seen people touch you."

" _They_ touch  _me_."

"Oh," I breathed in realization. Another first.

"I'll understand if you can't stomach the thought of me putting my hands on you. I feel like... like maybe I'm tarnishing you when I do."

"Absolutely not." Unthinkingly, I took a step toward him, causing his whole body to tense in panic. "I want you to touch me."

He visibly relaxed when he saw that I wasn't going to fling myself at him. "Really?" he asked skeptically.

" _Fuck yes_ ," I replied emphatically.

A broken laugh rumbled in his chest, and I thought I might keel over with the sound. 'Incredible' did not even begin to describe it.

"Was that a... a laugh?" I asked.

"I'm not the most experienced with this sort of shit, but yes; I think they call that a 'chuckle', Bella," he deadpanned.

"He's funny too," I teased. "Who'd have thought with all that bad boy bullshit he has going on?"

He ignored my jab.

"I like touching you," he murmured. "So fucking much it scares me."

"Everything about you—this—scares me," I admitted. It was the most truthful thing I could have ever said at that moment. I was afraid of it all; his temper, the way he made me feel, our pasts, any hope of a future with him dying when he finally learned what I held inside me.

"Yeah."

We'd stood there long enough that it was nearly dark outside now. The woods were black against the darkened sky, and I could barely make Edward out in the fading light, even though he stood just in front of me.

"I should go. I don't want Charlie to worry," I said reluctantly.

"Bella, I..." He glanced away and ran his hand over the back of his neck nervously. "I want to see you."

"You will. We work together, remember?"

"No, I mean like, fuck, I don't know... Outside of work."

"Like a date?" I questioned, clamping down on the giddy feeling that arose within me. I didn't need to scare the man away. We obviously had enough fear lurking around us as it was.

"No... Uh, maybe. I'm not ready to go back to the way it was before. You... Having you around is oddly therapeutic."

I blinked up at him, and surprisingly enough, he managed to see it despite the dark.

"Damn it, that sounded awful. I..." He muttered something under his breath. "You force me to deal with my shit. But not only that, I enjoy being with you. When I'm not being a defensive jackass, that is."

"Well," I dragged out the word, unable to keep the smile off my face, "how about we do something with your family? No pressure or anything. Slow."

 _Like you wanted,_  I finished to myself. Even though I was thinking again that I could dive headfirst into this. But at least I had the sense to put the brakes on that kind of behavior. I couldn't dive headfirst into anything until I'd told him about Maggie. Or until we were ready.

And we were far from ready.

He rocked on his heels and let his hand go up to mess with his hair. "You really want to deal with Emmett?"

"I like Emmett."

He looked at me like I was nuts. "All right."

"Okay." I bit down on my lip as we awkwardly stood there together. "So... I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Early."

"Early," I confirmed. Staying away from him now that I'd fully seen what was under that façade of his was going to kill me. I just knew it.

He reached out and brushed my hair over my shoulder, hovering just long enough for me to expel all the air from my lungs before he let his hand slide down my arm.

He squeezed my hand and whispered, "Drive carefully," just before turning away.

I wasn't exactly sure how I made it home. Dazed, I'd stood there until his Volvo whizzed by me, and then the next thing I knew, I was inside my room with my journal in my hand and a full-page letter to Maggie written inside. Edward seemed to always have that affect on me.

Realizing how late it was, I dropped it on the bed and hurried downstairs to make dinner for Charlie. I was silent as we ate, but I wasn't sure why. I was ecstatic when I was listening to Edward tell me that he wanted to see me more, and now I was… strangely morose.

"Did something happen today, Bella?" Charlie finally asked, breaking the silence.

"No. Nothing bad. Why?"

"You're quiet."

I stared at my food. "Oh."

A few beats of time went by before Charlie cleared his throat and tried again. "Have fun today out there by yourself?"

"I wasn't alone," I responded, not even thinking about it. "I was with Edward."

The sound of Charlie's fork clattering against the porcelain plate had my eyes snapping up to his. "Cullen?"

"Is there another Edward in this town I don't know about?"

He glowered at me.

"Yes, Cullen," I answered. "Esme was adamant he go with me. Didn't want me to get lost or whatever. What was with the weird reaction?"

"I don't know." He flushed. "He keeps to himself, that's all. I'm shocked he agreed to go."

"Neither of us had a choice, Dad. Esme's kind of… stubborn."

"Sounds like the two of you would get along well," he muttered dryly.

"Probably," I said with a laugh. "Edward's great, though, Dad. Once you get him to open up a little, anyway. I like him."

"You want to get close to your donor's brother before he even knows he has a sister or that she's  _gone_?" Charlie nearly shouted. It was the most emotion I could remember ever coming from him outside of the hospital. "Are you crazy?"

Maybe.

"He's… he's had a hard life. I can't spring it on him like I thought I could. It won't work like that. He'll just use it as another way to hate himself. I know it."

Charlie leaned back and sighed, watching me steadily for a moment. "You know the kid better than I do. There really wasn't anything of substance in his file."

"Huh."

I'd never actually seen Edward's file. Anything I knew of his biological relation to Maggie was straight out of what Charlie had originally given me when I first started this madness and later, from the information the Carrs also supplied me with. As far as knowing anything of Edward's identity, I'd only seen his name scratched on a piece of paper. Charlie had neither offered any other information on him, nor did I ask for it. It felt oddly intrusive to look at anything of Edward's, like I was invading his privacy.

Though, that was exactly what I'd done with Maggie, now hadn't I? Only I hadn't been able to stop myself. But Edward was flesh; he was able to stand before me and tell me. Maggie didn't have that option anymore.

And I hated that still.

"Yeah. It's all just vague facts about his adoption and biological parents. The kid supposedly never got into trouble those couple of years he lived on the streets. I find that very hard to believe, though."

I didn't comment on that. I knew Edward well enough to know that he was inherently good. Anything he might've done in his past was likely out of self-defense. Not to mention at this point, Charlie was just speculating.

After we ate, I cleaned up the kitchen and did some laundry. Folding clothes wasn't exactly my idea of a fun-filled Sunday night, but it looked like Charlie wasn't going to touch the wash. I'd only been in Forks for two weeks, but I was beginning to wonder how anything got done around here at all…

When I was finished, I took a shower, and then I shut myself in my bedroom and lied down on the bed. Now that I was alone without anything to distract me, the weight of what I was doing to Edward started to settle on me. I was lying by omission. I was selfishly trying to keep him for myself, too afraid to think of the possibility of him looking at me in disgust when he knew whose heart I had. A sister's, a link to a past he desperately tried to forget.

It made me sick just thinking about it.

I jumped at the screeching sound at my window, letting my eyes move over to it as fear skittered up my spine. I gasped at what I saw, and then jumped up and raced over to throw the window open and get closer to him.

It crossed my mind as I did that maybe I'd always be itching to get closer to him.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed at Edward, though my face broke out into a massive grin as I did. "It's late. Shouldn't you be like, asleep or something?"

He gazed at me with the most adorable, sheepish expression I'd ever seen. And so I melted at his feet.

"I don't sleep much and I…" He took a steadying breath. "I wanted to see you. I always fucking want to see you."

Birds in my stomach again.

"Let me guess, it pisses you off?"

He moved closer to the window, precariously balancing on the tree limb just outside. "I might be getting accustomed to it after today," he breathed. "Can I come in?"

The way his tongue came out to wet his lips as he stared at my mouth drove me insane with need. "Yes," I practically squeaked.

I turned around and went back toward my bed, lightly sitting on it and gazing up at Edward questioningly. "So… I guess you can sit?"

His eyes went from the bed to me, and back again, before finding the old, wooden rocking chair in the corner of the small room. "I uh, I think I'll just sit there."

I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed thickly and made his way across my tiny room and to my chair. I nearly burst out laughing as soon as he sat down. He looked ridiculous sitting there. But I kept it inside. I didn't want to freak him out any worse than he already seemed to be. His entire being radiated tension, his muscles were tight, his spin rigid. He nearly shook as he sat there and checked everything out, his knee bouncing rapidly as he did.

"Nice room."

"No, it's not," I scoffed. "Are you okay?"

"Not sure," he said honestly. "You… confined space… me… I don't, I mean, I'm not sure it's such a great idea."

Another quick shot of lust went through me, and it was my turn to swallow hard. "I know what you mean."

He looked amazed by my confession.

"Don't be so surprised. You're really hot." My voice grew weaker with every word and my face flushed. "In a weird, unattainable, broody sort of way."

I didn't get a response for longer than was comfortable, and squirmed on the bed nervously. I couldn't look at him, too afraid to see whatever mask or sickened expression that was currently there.

"I'm in love with your ass," he finally said. I shot a look down to check out my waist, like I could really ever see my ass clearly. Or in this case, not at all since I was sitting on the thing. "You can… what's that stupid saying? Bounce quarters off of it."

"Shut up. It's horrible."

"You have no idea how gorgeous you are, do you?" he whispered. "You… you make me ache in ways I never thought possible."

I blushed all the way to my chest with that, and I could have sworn I heard a low groan come from Edward's direction. "Thanks."

He nodded.

"So you uh, you don't sleep?" I asked, trying to get the subject off of anything remotely sexual before I exploded.

"No. Not unless I have to."

It explained the dark circles rooted under his eyes. "How come?"

"Nightmares." I waited for him to elaborate. Unwillingly, he did. "Mostly about my past. The shooting, the weeks in the hospital, all that time I spent in an alley somewhere."

Something unpleasant flickered through his mind, and he went green with the thought.

"Edward? Are you okay?" I asked worriedly. "We can talk about something else."

"Uh…" He scratched at his skin, as if he was trying to scrape away the memory from his very essence, and then ran his hands all over his body as he worked to compose himself. "Yeah, that'd be good. I don't think I can-"

"What do you want to do with your family when we go out? I mean, where do you want to go? I kind of limit the options since I'm underage."

His eyes shone with gratitude. "I hadn't thought about it. Whatever you want to do, I guess, is fine with me."

"I don't know what I want to do," I answered. "I don't know Forks that well still."

"We can have Rosalie pick the place then. Maybe go to Port Angeles?"

"Sure."

His eyes flashed over to the journal sitting on the edge of the bed, and I immediately cursed inwardly for not having put it away.

"You keep a diary?"

"Sort of," I hedged.

He just gave me a level, no-nonsense look.

"I didn't start it until after the transplant," I said on a sigh. "I had a lot of things to deal with."

"As do most people in your situation."

"No," I breathed. "Not like me."

"Bella…" He exhaled sharply through his nose, agitated again for some reason. "There's nothing wrong with you. You're alive because you're supposed to be. You can't think otherwise. If you weren't here… It's just like I said on that fucking cliff. I can't imagine you not around."

I stared at him, speechless from his passion.

"A lot of people feel that way. And some of them, including me, hardly know you. You don't give yourself enough credit." A bitter sound came out of him. "I guess we're a great fucking pair."

"It's just… Someone died, Edward," I said vaguely.

"Yeah, it's shitty. But that girl who donated her organs wanted to make sure someone could benefit from her death. It's not like you stole the heart from her, damn it," he replied tersely. "So enough with the guilt."

But she was stolen from you… her parents…

"I'm trying."

"I know. And you're doing a much better job than my fucked up ass could ever dream of doing. I barely function," he said dryly, "much less live."

I had no idea how to respond to that.

We sat there quietly for a while, neither of us wanting to talk. There was no discomfort, no sexually charged tension, though, like there usually was during the few times that we'd been alone together. It simply was.

Until I yawned.

"I should let you sleep," Edward said hurriedly, fidgeting nervously. "I shouldn't have done this. I'm such a fucking idiot."

I couldn't let him keep berating himself like he was. "Stay?"

"Wh- What?" Large eyes stared back at me in disbelief.

"Stay," I repeated, gathering all of my courage to elaborate. "I don't want you to go. Not yet."

"Okay. Right here, though. I'm just sitting here," he said firmly, glancing over at the bed like it was a shark getting ready to attack.

Again, he was adorable.

"Then I'll go brush my teeth. No trying to escape while I'm gone." I narrowed my eyes jokingly at him.

He rolled his.

I ran through my nightly routine, quickly brushing and flossing my teeth before I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I hadn't expected company so late. I had no make up on, my hair was in a ratty ponytail at the top of my head, and my pajamas… Well, I'd wished I'd have worn a better pair. But there was no use dwelling on it now. Edward had already seen me.

And hadn't really seemed to mind.

I rushed back to my room and peeked over at the rocking chair as I quietly shut the door behind me. He hadn't moved and inch, still sitting there like some stone statue in the corner of my room. I was afraid that if I blinked, he'd disappear.

All of a sudden, I got shy. Edward Cullen was in my room, and I didn't know how exactly to act or what to say… So I got into bed and pulled the covers over me without a word. I reached over and turned the light out, and then released a breath when I heard the rocking chair creak as he shifted his weight.

Footsteps sounded across the room, and then I could feel him standing next to me, gazing down at me in the dark.

I reached out for him, hoping like hell that he didn't run when I touched him. My hand found his and my fingers wound through his, squeezing back encouragingly.

"I think… I think I might want to lie down. Is… Is that okay?"

I didn't speak. I just pulled him down to me and reveled in the way his body felt next to mine. When he was settled on top of the covers, I curled up next to him and closed my eyes, listening to the way his breathing slowly evened out until I was sound asleep, feeling more peaceful than I had since…

Since I'd ever known what hypertrophic cardiomyopathy was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for all the reviews and adds this week. I might have used them to justify an early update. Just so you know ;)**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, and thankies to stephk0525 for prereading everything I've written so far. She's amazingness. I heart her.  
**

**Uh, I always forget to include this, because I'm kind of a hermit. I'm on Twitter if you want in. (at)JT040708  
**

**Ok, onto some more progress...  
**

* * *

Chapter 8

**Edward**

Bella shifted next to me, rolling over so that she faced me, and slowly opened her eyes. I'd watched her sleep all night, strangely unable to stop myself from listening to every sigh and sound that had escaped her mouth. She was a talker it seemed, and I'd hung on every word spoken in the night, hoping that something discernible would come out or that I'd get some insight into the girl that I couldn't stay away from.

Infuriatingly, it had been nothing but gibberish. Talk of that girl named Alice and something about missing  _pizza_ , of all fucking things, was all I could seem to decipher, and it had me plotting to stalk her in the night just to learn everything I could about her.

After all, asking was just entirely too fucking easy.

A smile crossed her face as soon as she blinked me into focus. She was rumpled from sleep and absolutely breathtaking. I had to move back toward the edge of the bed so that I didn't take her and just… rip off her clothes. Drive into her until we both fell into mindless oblivion. Catch my breath.

Repeat the process all over again.

It was nerve-wracking how much my body reacted to just the thought of hers. Every second we were alone was torture, and I wondered idly if I'd always feel this way… if I were even  _supposed_  to. It wouldn't surprise me if I were addicted to her. Addiction was, after all, deeply rooted in my family tree.

Which would be the reason why I was currently about to sell my left fucking kidney for a smoke.

"Hi," she whispered, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth, looking embarrassed for some reason.

And then it hit me. She was trying to cover up any morning breath she might have had.

I had the strange urge to laugh again with that, but I just pulled her hand away. "Hi."

She twisted her hand around in mine in a futile effort to get it back up to her lips. "It's bad," she warned. "Like knock you on your ass bad."

"Right." I rolled my eyes.

"It is," she insisted.

"Then why don't you turn your head that way so I don't suffocate?" I said, pointing toward the wall behind her.

She pushed at me a little, her eyes widening as soon as she realized what she'd done. I couldn't have her worrying all of the time; oddly enough, I knew right then that I wanted her to feel comfortable around me. She was the only one I wanted that with, other than the members of my family, and even they weren't able to touch me at will. So I grabbed for her arms and tugged her closer to me, fighting every instinct I had to either run or stake my claim on her.

Because fuck if she didn't look edible in the morning.

"I thought maybe I was dreaming and that you really hadn't snuck into my bedroom last night. Or that maybe yesterday didn't happen at all."

"It happened," I assured her, and I had no fucking clue how it did. One second I was sitting on the shore of First Beach trying to come up with a way to escape this town, these feelings and this girl, and the next I was lying next to her in her room, while her father slept obliviously down the hall, and telling her things I'd never told another soul outside the medical profession. She was so nonjudgmental; nothing I said had fazed her yet, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for that split second when I finally told her a piece of my past and watched as her self-preservation kicked in and she left me to face it all on my own.

Or drive it away again. It made no difference because no matter which I chose, I knew it would hurt to watch her go. And that terrified me even more than all the strange, unknown feelings that had coursed through me these last few weeks. Because opening up to someone, only to have them reject you, would be...

I wasn't exactly sure. Hell, I presumed.

She shifted and sighed, and I had to grit my teeth against the sudden need to skim my fingers over her jaw and through her hair. This view was so new to me, and something I still couldn't imagine seeing every day for as long as I lived, like my parents did. But somewhere down deep I thought that maybe I wanted it, regardless of how I hadn't the slightest idea of how to start living that particular fantasy. Or if it was even possible. I was still the same Edward Cullen that had poison running through his veins.

Maybe Emmett was right. Maybe I wasn't destined to be alone after all. But merging this newfound desire with who I was before seemed impossible. I was so set in my ways, so fucking contaminated…

She reached out and ran her thumb over the frown line that formed between my brows. "Whatever it is you're thinking, stop."

I sighed. "I don't know how to do this."

"You keep saying that," she responded, her annoyance clear, "so why don't you quit trying to figure it out and just take it one day at a time? I'm not any more experienced than you, Edward."

I stared at her in confusion. "What?"

"I've never had a boy…" Blood pooled in her cheeks, and she quickly tried to cover up what she'd started to say. "I mean-"

"Boyfriend," I interjected. "I know what you meant."

I didn't know if that's what I could be considered at this point, but I wasn't about to get hung up on a label. I had enough of that shit on my own.

"Yeah, well, I didn't even have one of those lame kind in kindergarten. I've never kissed anyone or held hands or-"

"What the fuck?" Bella flinched at my harsh tone. "How have you never…? I don't get it, Bella. You're so... so... Why weren't any of those fuckers in Phoenix chasing you down?"

She glanced down to where her hands sat in between us. "I don't know. I was never interesting before, I guess. When I finally got the notice of a boy I liked in high school, I was diagnosed. So…"

I reached up and shoved my hair off of my forehead, searching for the appropriate words to say back to that. But I came up empty.

Jesus, I was a fucking moron sometimes.

"What about you? How inexperienced are you?"

"Uh…" My gut twisted at the one memory I refused to so much as acknowledge, much less confess, and I took a deep breath, hoping for flippancy when I answered. "Same. I've never done the whole girlfriend thing."

She searched my face before she rolled over, knowing how full of shit I was and not to press for more information. Every time she did that, my chest ached with more than simple gratitude. It was inconceivable that I'd met someone else who innately knew me like Esme did.

But here she was, lying beside me with her brown hair in tangles and her t-shirt bunched at her waist, exposing her creamy, smooth stomach...

I jumped off of the bed and retook my post in the rocking chair, running my hands over my hair, my face, my arms... everything I could reach. I shouldn't have been here with her, touching her. With every touch I marred her more, until everything I despised in myself would seep right into her and destroy the things I enjoyed most about her.

I couldn't do it to her.

"I can't... I have to..." I abruptly stood up and strode for the window.

She managed to beat me to it.

"No." She gave me a fierce look. "Stop running from everything, Edward. You will never have any kind of life if you don't."

I blinked rapidly. "What?"

"You will be stuck in this... this  _limbo…_  you've forced yourself into forever," she clarified. "If not with me then the next girl. Then the next after that and the next after that..."

I didn't like her talking about the "next girl". I wanted to scream at her to stop, but I couldn't pinpoint why.

So I kept silent and listened to the rest of her speech, the one that had me pegged as a coward and a liar. There wasn't a single day that I didn't lie to someone—to  _myself_ —about something, a single day that I didn't run away from my past.

"...Over and over again until you're old and senile. And  _alone_. You'll be that poor bastard with no one mourning him at his funeral because he pushed them all away."

I gazed at her warily, feeling those words resound in me. Whatever was happening was bigger than either of us could manage alone, and it was completely pointless to keep fighting it. I'd denied the attraction she held for me for too long and was going to find myself sitting in a padded cell soon if I didn't stop. I didn't know why she enticed me the way she did, but I no longer wanted to think about it. Something about this girl made me want to try my hand at living again. Fleeing now would bring me right back to where I was before she stepped into my life. She was helping me find all the scattered pieces of my soul and pasting them back together again...  _with_ me.

I didn't want to be this broken, defeated, pathetic excuse for a human being anymore.

So I tried to explain why I was so fucked up, hoping that maybe it would settle the current raging inside me. I needed her to know why I was always pushing and pulling at her. I needed her to know all the doubt I had. But most importantly, I needed her to understand me  _and_  my life. What it was before and what it is was now. Maybe what it would always be.

"Addiction runs in my family," I started, telling her the very thing I'd been thinking earlier. "It chokes the life out of all of us and every one who cares about us. I can't have that for you. I don't know when it might come or what my addiction will be-"

She took a step closer, stopping my words. "Addiction," she repeated. "That's what this is about?"

_Party. Mostly. Not at all._

I didn't say any of that aloud, though.

"My biological grandfather was an alcoholic… My supposed  _mother_... She was addicted to everything. If she could get her hands on it, she used it. She..." Oh, fuck, I wasn't sure how to explain it without telling her the one thing I'd kept hidden away for so long. "I was hungry a lot of the time because she was too fucking strung out to remember I was around."

Tears welled in her eyes, and her hand came up to rub her chest, something I'd seen her do a few times since she'd arrived. I didn't think she even realized she did it half the time, and it made me wonder what it was about her surgery that had her making that unconscious movement.

And with that, I had a sudden urge to read that brown, leather bound journal sitting on her desk. I wanted it so bad, in fact, my hand twitched at my side, desperate to touch it.

"What the fuck are the tears for?" I questioned, ignoring it. I would never invade Bella's privacy like that. If I could never find it in me to give her what she deserved, I could at least give her this.

Respect.

"Because... I don't... Why didn't she give you up?" she cried softly. "Why didn't the state come and take you away from that? How was it that you were left behind like that?"

I didn't understand her words. They were cryptic somehow, like she knew so much more than what those simple words said. It made no sense to me. She knew nothing about me, because I hadn't let her in before now.

But I tried to answer her anyway.

"She… she was a master at hiding things from people," I sighed, thinking of how I inherited that very same trait. Those who knew me well knew that I was fucked up. They just didn't know the reasons why. "No one knew anything was wrong until it was too late."

"Oh."

"But I mean, she wasn't always like that," I continued. "I don't really remember it, but I remember finding pictures of her before... with whom she always said was my father. She was so beautiful, Bella. Not like the Elizabeth I knew."

It was a pageantry kind of beautiful, perfection that belonged on stage. Her hair was the same strange color of red as mine, and her eyes were this unbelievable shade of green… A green that went dull and glassy as time went on. She was thin with a body most women would die for, and at one time, had the complexion to match.

Then there was her smile. Her smile could light up the room. If I let myself, I could remember feeling so warm and safe and  _happy_  when she smiled at me. Bella's smile gave me that same feeling only it was amplified in some way, more intense. Bella was warm and beautiful and happy, just like Elizabeth had been.

Until she discovered how it felt to get high, that is. Then the warmth faded and the smile died. And I was left with a shadow of that woman for my mother.

"What happened to him, your father?"

"I don't know," I replied. I was so ready to shut down again and keep her from digging anything else of my past up, but I forced myself to continue. I wouldn't keep being so hypocritical with her, ferreting out all the information I could about her life while giving nothing up of my own. "Elizabeth didn't tell me, and I never fucking asked. He left me... to rot... with her. He's not worth my time."

"I'm sorry."

"So you see? I can't do that to you, Bella. I can't make you suffer like that."

"You won't," she said emphatically. "You could never hurt anyone like that."

"You don't know-"

"And neither do you."

"But it's in me... I smoke, I drink, I've tried it all, Bella. I tried everything I could to take this pain away," I said, giving her a moment to process my meaning.

When she did, she simply cocked her brow for me to continue. I couldn't think of many other people that would possibly be as accepting as her. It was unbelievable.

"I want..." I shook my head. "No, _crave_  you already. I feel it all the time, taunting me. You don't know what I am, what I've done..."

"Then tell me," she breathed.

But I couldn't. The words, no matter how much I wanted them to, simply wouldn't come.

Involuntarily, I inched closer to her. I searched for something to hang on to and save me from this magnetism that kept forcing us together. But there was nothing to grab, nothing to ground myself to. Nothing but Bella standing before me... watching, waiting.

Hoping.

And then suddenly my mouth was on hers. Her lips were plump and ripe and melded perfectly to mine. My blood spiked the second my tongue slid over hers. My heart raced when she clung to my shirt and pulled me closer, silently begging for more. She tasted like sunlight and smelled like coconut, of all things. She made every inch of me come alive.

She made me forget who I was, who I am, my name... my flaws. I lost myself in her every time I touched her, looked at her. She pulled me in; she numbed the ache, yet somehow made me feel again, so much more than I was ready for.

I pressed her against the wall, making sure every line of my body touched every curve of hers. Her hands were in my hair, grabbing at it and trying to get me even closer to her. She shifted against me in the most incredible way, and a low groan bubbled up in my chest. Fuck, I wanted her naked and wrapped around me. I wanted to make her scream out a thousand obscenities as she came. I wanted to feel her pliant and clinging to me afterward, burrowing her head against my chest as she slept. I wanted to fall asleep with her and not be woken up by nightmare after nightmare, memory after memory. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be loved.

But it was more than that now. I just wanted  _her_.

With a jerk of my head, I broke away from her, panting and staring down at her in shock. I hadn't planned to do anything that...  _significant_ with her anytime in the foreseeable future—if ever. Yet I did. And I had no idea how it'd happened. It just the few short hours that I'd been with her, I'd managed to give up trying to stay away from Bella Swan and doing the complete opposite.

I'd attacked her. I'd overstepped my bounds and given into that craving I had for her, practically devouring-

Her smile stopped my internal rambling. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were swollen from how hard I'd kissed her. She didn't say anything for a while, likely trying to get her bearings as I was. And when she did, my heart stopped.

"Wow," she rasped. "That was just... huh. Hands down, best first kiss ever."

Dazed. That's what she was. I'd done that to her, but I didn't know if I should be pleased or not; I'd never been in this situation before.

Something swelled up inside me, anyway.

"I have to go," I murmured. "The chief will be up soon, and you have work."

A pout formed on her lips, and I suddenly found myself hurriedly trying to make it go away.

"I'll pick you up, though," I offered. "We can have lunch later too?"

It worked. She broke out into a gorgeous grin, and I nearly bent down to kiss her again. Stunned with myself, I stepped further away from her.

"That'd be nice. See you soon?"

"Yeah," I answered, hopping up on the window ledge to get out of here before I did something stupid. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

* * *

I was nervous as fucking hell as I waited outside the car for Bella. I fidgeted with my t-shirt until I realized how stupid I looked and then shoved them down in my pockets instead. I couldn't stop wishing like mad for a smoke. It'd been over twenty-six hours since I'd had one. Twenty-six hours, eleven minutes, and… fifty-five seconds.

Not that I was counting or anything.

But I wasn't just anxious because I was going through nicotine withdrawals, despite the fact that I was wearing one of those stupid fucking patches on my arms. Now that I was here, in public, I was realizing how much I didn't deserve to be walking beside Bella, having her smile at me, or holding my hand, even, as we walked through the doors. It was wrong for her to want it, wrong for me to let her. Damn it, I wanted to just push her back into my Volvo and head up the trail again, or maybe spend all day sitting in her room. At least there I felt more like her equal and not the street trash I was. Here in reality, it was all magnified and staring right at me.

I was, without a doubt, wholly unworthy of her.

"Where do you want to go for lunch?" Bella asked cheerfully, carefully shutting the car door behind her.

"Um, I uh..." I ran my hand through my hair and waited for my heart to beat out of my chest and onto the asphalt as she neared. I'd had the same reaction when she'd rushed out of Chief Swan's house earlier with her gauzy, cream colored dress billowing behind her with the wind, and I swallowed thickly as I tried to get a handle on it.

She giggled at my inability to communicate, causing my eyes to narrow a little defensively. I had to make a conscious effort not to lash out at her, forcing myself to remember that this was normal interaction between two people and that I'd seen it nearly every day with my parents or Emmett and Rosalie. She giggled not out of malice, but because the idiotic stuttering I did somehow made her happy.

Though I really couldn't see how.

"You look good," I muttered.

"Why, thank you." She did a little twirl, and I felt a smile pull at my lips. She was so damned joyful this morning.

I wondered if maybe I had something to do with it.

She abruptly stopped and stared up at me. "Oh, was that a smile?" she breathed in awe.

"Not quite." At least, I didn't think it was.

"Ah, shit." She did that pout again, the one that made my chest tighten uncomfortably. "What do I have to do to get you to smile?"

"I'm… I don't really know," I admitted honestly. "I don't usually have a reason to. You're the only thing that makes me even remotely happy these days."

"That's sad, Edward. Really, really sad."

Tell me about it.

"So anyway, back to lunch. How about that sandwich shop up the road? I hear they have good salads."

"Yeah, fine. Whatever." I was going to be so worried about trying not to snap at her that I doubted I'd be eating much of anything. So it really didn't matter where we went later.

"Go smoke," she said knowingly.

"What?"

"Go..." She glanced around the parking lot. "Go by the sign and smoke. Then we can go in. You look like you're about to combust. It's kind of funny, but I think that maybe if I laugh, you might bite my head off."

I gave her an annoyed look, locking my teeth together so I didn't, in fact, bite her head off.

"Go," she repeated. "You'll feel better afterwards."

"No, I..." I scrubbed at my scalp angrily. "I really should quit."

"So why haven't you?"

"Didn't give enough a shit about what it was doing to my body to?"

"And you do now?"

"I... I'm not sure yet," I responded.

She sighed and took a step closer to me, her fingers grazing over mine. "Last one, then. It can be like some sort of freaky cleansing ritual."

One I highly doubted would work, but if she insisted I do it, I knew I would. Something in me wanted to please her all of the time.

I didn't think I necessarily liked it. Or maybe I did, and I just wasn't aware of it yet.

Fucking hell, this was confusing.

I hurried away from Bella and over to the shop's sign at the road before I could think about that any more. I had a feeling if I made any kind of attempt to figure it out, I'd be shoving her away out of frustration again. And that was the last thing I wanted, to push her away. I may have had moments of anxiousness or discomfort with her, but it was because I didn't have any idea how to act around people, and I was finding that I constantly second guessed every word said between us. It had nothing to do with Bella herself. I wanted her with me.

I knew it with everything I was now.

The cigarette seemed to be gone before I could blink. I flicked the stub out onto the road and turned back toward Bella, feeling more relaxed than I had in days. I wasn't sure if it was the nicotine that was now in my system or if that ridiculous cleansing ritual Bella had referred to actually worked. Whatever it was, I went with it, rushing back to where that beautiful girl stood and took her hand in mine, interlacing our fingers together and leading her inside.

_Like ripping off a Band-Aid…_

Bella stopped us as soon as we reached the door. "Are you sure?" she asked, chewing on her lips as she stared down at our joined hands.

No, but it didn't matter. For some reason, I needed to prove to myself that I was good enough to have Bella on my arm, in spite of every kind of fucked up mutation my DNA had.

With a deep breath, I nodded and pulled open the door. The second Bella came through it slammed behind us, alerting everyone to the fact that we were here.

But it wasn't as big of a deal as I'd made it out to be. We weren't exactly the center of attention; most of the guys didn't even glance away from the vehicles they were working on. There were a few double takes as we walked further inside, a few sets of eyes darting to where I held Bella's hand in mine, but mostly, no one was surprised to see us together.

Not even my brother.

He smirked behind the hood of an old Chevelle, and I knew he was watching us, even though I could never seem to catch his gaze. I walked with Bella to her office, gave her hand a quick squeeze before releasing it, and then made my way over to grab the next clipboard on the wall.

I found the matching set of keys hanging beside it, and headed out to the parking lot to get the first job of the day, fully expecting some asinine remark to come from Emmett's mouth now that I was alone. But there was nothing.

I eventually got the car up on the lift and an oil pan set under the chassis. I went to drain the oil, and finally couldn't fucking take it anymore.

"Just say it, Emmett."

He flashed me a grin, a triumphant, cocky grin that had my hands balling up into fists at my sides. "I fucking knew it when Mom told Rosie you'd gone hiking with her. I knew it."

"There's nothing to know. I like her, but I'm just…"

"Lost."

"Yeah," I sighed.

"So how was it, the hike?"

"Fine." He waited for me to elaborate. "It was good. I… She's… I don't know. She gets me, I guess. Enough that I ended up sneaking back to her house and climbing through her window to be with her some more."

Emmett laughed once. "And Chief Swan didn't catch you?"

"No."

"Well, you have bigger fucking balls than I thought you did. Either that, or your suicidal."

I shook my head at him.

"Next time, though, you might want to try knocking on the door like every other boyfriend on the planet."

"I'm not her boyfriend," I argued stupidly.

He gave me a long, sideways glance that told me otherwise.

"I only did it because I wanted to be alone with her. I didn't think Chief Swan would really want that."

Judging from the looks he'd given me recently, anyway.

"No, why would he? You're only trying to fuck his only daughter," he said sarcastically.

"Emmett," I warned.

"And you're only both adults…"

I huffed because I realized how much of an inexperienced douche I really was.

"… Who, if I remember correctly, will be going to the same school this fall. Why would he ever try to cockblock you?"

"Wait a second, Bella's going to UDub?"

"Yes," he said slowly.

_Huh._

Running to Seattle would have been completely useless. Knowing my luck, I'd have slammed into her on the first fucking day.

"Listen, I told her I wanted to do something with her, but I don't think… I mean, I don't know… She suggested that you guys come with us. And I think that's probably wise."

Especially after this morning. I didn't think I'd be able to keep my hands off her anymore.

"Oh?" Emmett's smile widened. "It's totally understandable that you'd want to fuck her brains out. Like I said before: she's hot."

I cocked my head to the side and gave him a baleful look. "Keep talking about her like that."

He gave me a little shrug of concession. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Port Angeles, maybe? I thought Rosie could plan something."

"I'll ask her later. Maybe we can get Jasper to come with, so it's not exactly like a double date."

Date. I almost threw up with the word.

"Friday night cool with you?"

I swallowed down my nerves and nodded before heading back over to start changing the miscellaneous filters and filling the reservoir up with fresh oil. My eyes flickered over to Bella's office, just as she'd looked in my direction. She gave me a warm smile and went back to work, leaving me here to try to calm my fears on my own.

But I knew, rationally, that there was reason to be anxious like I was.

No reason at all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you for the reviews, adds, and well wishes this week! My kiddo is much, much better :)**

**Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing this, and to stephk0525 for prereading. I love you both.**

* * *

Chapter 9

**Bella**

" _Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to you..."_

"Son of a fucking bitch," Edward snarled, giving Emmett an angered look. "I hate you."

Jesus, was he hot like that.

I blinked out of my lustful haze as Emmett laughed with glee. He carried the large, chocolate frosted cake over to where Edward stood. "You don't. At all."

More obscenities came pouring out of Edward's mouth, making my own drop a little, before Emmett finally placed the cake on the hood of the car Edward had been toying with.

"Make a wish, Edward."

"It's not my birthday, you cocksucker."

"So I'm off a few days," Emmett said with a shrug. "Makes for a better surprise."

Edward fumed, clenching his jaw as he glared at his brother. A few beats went by, and then Edward relented, leaning forward and blowing out the two candles on the cake.

That hard stare never left Emmett's face.

"Party in the staff lounge," Emmett announced as he picked the cake back up. "Mom made a shitton of food and brought it over before she went to Seattle this morning. The girls get to go first, though. Otherwise, Rosie says she won't get any. Then neither will I, and we can't have that."

Rosalie stood up on her toes to kiss Emmett's cheek. "Thank you," she said cheerfully. "Come on, Bella. Esme is an amazing cook."

"Um, I uh..." My eyes darted around the room before settling on Edward, needing the confirmation that this was, in fact, what he was doing. He stared back at me unemotionally for a split second, and then turned away to file through the door with everyone else.

"I'm coming," I finally said, only when Rosalie had disappeared behind the door that led to the staff lounge, I turned to head back to my office. I didn't want to contribute any to Edward's discomfort.

Jasper was standing there with a smirk on his face, and I had this sudden urge to beat my head against the wall.

"What?"

"Don't like cake?" he returned, the smirk never leaving his lips.

I'd seen Jasper nearly every day since I started working here. He'd never offered me any more information about himself, and I hadn't asked. Our conversations typically tended to be meaningless and full of surface nonsense; at least, they had since that first outburst of mine when I saw his burns. The narcissistic part of me would have liked to say that all of this time spent around me was because he couldn't get enough of the girl who'd just moved to town, but I knew it wasn't that at all.

We were connected because we each knew something about the other that we wanted kept quiet. Circumstance had made us this way.

"I'm a girl," I answered. "Of course I'm into cake. Chocolate, especially."

"So that means that cake should give you the mother of all orgasms, right?" His brow cocked playfully.

"Definitely." At least, I was assuming so. I hadn't really had that mind-blowing orgasm yet. Something told me that my hand just wasn't as good as the real thing, and I'd always been too chickenshit to go buy a toy. Of course, my eyes involuntarily shifted to the door just to my left... where Edward was.

Pushing that from my mind, I tried to move past Jasper and into the office, but he quickly took a step so that he was in my way.

"It's mandatory that you deal with the idiocy of the other employees here. Goes with the territory of being one of us now." He flashed me that perfect smile of his.

"Maybe I don't want to be one of you," I joked, but deep down, I knew I did. I wanted to fit in, but I wasn't sure if I should yet. I might have gotten along with everyone in the Cullen family famously, but there was always that niggling sense of guilt when I spoke to them. I was masquerading around like a normal teenage girl—well, one who'd had a heart transplant, that is. None of them knew what my true intentions were when it came to Edward.

Then there was Edward himself. "Unpredictable" was not really the proper word to describe him. He was warm and friendly one day, and closed off and bitter the next. He confused me, and I knew more about him than I probably should have.

I was beginning to think there would never be any figuring him out.

"Liar. Come on. Rosalie wasn't kidding when she said my mom was an awesome cook." He held out his hand, hoping to convince me to come with him. "Please?"

"I don't know, Jasper," I said, chewing on my lips and twisting around to glance back at the door. "He was so pissed..."

"Well, yeah," he said, like it was the stupidest comment ever.

"Then why do you guys do it?"

"Because Emmett wants to. He knows Edward hates it, but it's like..." He exhaled sharply. "He keeps hoping that maybe one year, Edward will  _want_  to celebrate it."

My chest tightened with the thought. Even I let everyone celebrate my birthday, and I hated being made over like that. But it was more for them than it was for myself, especially now after living through the nightmare that was the transplant list. I couldn't imagine being so miserable that I didn't even want them to be happy on that day. Seeing my family's faces light up always had been a quick way to brighten my mood.

"Man, you really like him," he commented, assessing my mood perfectly.

Startled, I didn't really know how to respond. So I said the first thing that popped into my head. "Uh, what?"

"Edward," he elaborated. "You really like him, don't you? It's not just bullshit."

I blushed hard. "I like him as well as I can, I guess. I still don't really know him."

"None of us do, Bella. That's another thing that goes with the territory."

"How can you all be so blasé about the whole thing?"

"All?"

"Rosalie said something similar on my first day," I replied.

"I see."

"Don't you worry about him?"

The playful smile faded, replaced by a grave look. "Of course we do. Every day we do. But we live with him. You don't."

"But-"

He cut off my protest, "It's like this: we know when to push him and when not to. If you try to force him into doing something big he... he blows up. Only my mother has ever been able to sweet talk her way into getting what she wants with him. And I think it's just because he has a soft spot for her."

"A soft spot," I repeated.

"Yeah. She was the one who found him in the hospital."

I scowled. "Why exactly are you telling me this?"

"Because you're making him a better person."

I scoffed. "You're nuts."

"We all see it, Bella. Every one of us but you. He detailed your truck, for God's sake."

"So?"

"You know he's never offered to do anything for anyone before?"

"Seriously?"

He nodded his confirmation. "You're the only person on this planet I've ever known him to reach out to. He tends to be oblivious to anyone else's needs."

"So he's selfish," I responded, although, it wasn't really a surprise. It was no secret that Edward got lost in his head sometimes.

"He doesn't know any other way."

He wiggled his fingers, bringing my attention to his hand again, and gave me that same, perfect smile. The subject was closed now, and I understood why. Edward was his brother, whom he loved dearly. He couldn't betray him by giving me the sordid details of his life.

Which was just as well; I would have rather learned it all on my own.

"Come  _on_ , Bella. I'm hungry."

"Fine," I grumbled, placing my hand in Jasper's. It was nothing like when Edward held my hand, clasped over mine in a friendly way, rather than intertwined and making my stomach flutter. It felt off, but I let Jasper drag me to the lounge, anyway, and found that everyone was gathered around a rectangular table covered in food. My brows crept up to my hairline, shocked that Esme had enough time to do all of this. When I was done gawking at the food, I glanced around the room and found Edward staring at me again. Or more specifically, my hand.

I instantly yanked it free from Jasper's and dropped it to my side. My entire body flushed for reasons I couldn't place. I wasn't doing anything wrong, exactly, but I still felt guilty for letting it happen. And Jasper... Jasper had just been trying to get me to be a little more social, making sure I really did fit in around here.

Right?

Doubt crept over me, and my eyes instantly shifted over to Jasper in panic. But he was no longer paying attention to me, too busy locking his stare with his brother's from across the room.

Edward looked like he was ready to kill him.

"I'm going to um," I coughed nervously, "grab some food before I get my ass kicked for holding up the line."

I hurried past Jasper and to the table, unable to look at either Edward or him as I did. I filled my plate up with miscellaneous pasta dishes and appetizers, and then ran to the chair in the corner, hoping to escape.

No luck.

Before I knew it, Edward had somehow been shoved into a seat next to me.

Shit.

"Happy birthday?" I said awkwardly, hoping what I was giving him resembled a smile.

He searched his pockets for his cigarettes, pulling them out and setting them down on the table with a blue BIC between us. I idly wondered why he still had them, if it was because he wanted to smoke one and simply wouldn't with me around, but I kept my mouth shut. He was in a foul enough mood as it was.

"What the fuck ever."

I huffed and stared down at my hands, willing for some sort of calm to come over me. I thought that we'd gotten past all this; that spending an entire afternoon, and subsequently the night afterward, together had changed things between us. I thought that he would just  _talk_  to me.

"Edward…"

"Bella…" he mocked.

It felt like we were back at square one again. And right then, I realized how disappointed I was that he was still the same dick I'd had the displeasure of knowing. Nothing had changed at all. That openness, the honesty that had poured out of his mouth, had been just a fluke.

"Stop it," I sighed unhappily.

He didn't seem to breathe for a moment, and then forced all of the air out of his lungs at once. "You uh, you like my brother or something?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, despising myself for the way his voice sounded, so rough... sad. "No," I whispered.

"Didn't look that way."

"Edward, he was just dragging me to your party," I replied, hoping that my voice wasn't a squawk of panic. "He caught me sneaking to my office. I didn't want to contribute to your discomfort."

"Uh-huh."

"Why are you making such a big deal about this? It's Jasper, for crying out loud. I've been around him for weeks now."

"I'm not," he said with a sneer. "Just trying to figure out if the new girl wants to sink her claws into me or my brother."

"My claws?"

"Yeah, claws," he said unapologetically. "Most girls do because of who our parents are."

Money. Edward was referring to the Cullen's money.

Thoroughly insulted, I picked up my plate and shot up out of my chair. "What makes you think you can just waltz up to me and say shit like that? You think that since you have 'baggage' that makes you entitled to be a dick somehow?"

He looked stunned by my outburst. Hell, I was too, to be quite honest. I was probably making a scene, but I didn't care. I could not keep getting on this spinning wheel with him.

"Because it doesn't," I seethed. "You know me well enough to know that I don't give a shit about your money, Edward. You're just looking for an excuse to push me away."

I dumped my plate in the trash as I fled the room, not stopping until I threw myself into my chair at my desk. God, I wanted to pack my things and go, head up to Seattle a couple of months early and forget that I'd ever had this harebrained scheme.

But no matter how enticing it was, I couldn't force myself to move.

I could hear the door squeak as it was pulled back a little, and I didn't have to look over to know whom it was. I knew it was Edward from the tugging sensation in my chest.

"Come back to insult me some more?" I asked bitingly.

His sigh had me finally letting my eyes shift to his. So much sorrow was held in them, I had to pull in a deep breath with how badly my chest ached at seeing it. I always felt something for Edward, no matter how rude he was.

"I don't like being the center of attention," he murmured, coming to sit in the chair Jasper had sat in during my training. He fell in it unceremoniously and waited anxiously for me to respond.

"Same here."

"Yeah?"

"God, yes," I admitted on a sigh of my own.

The tension in his body eased slightly as he shifted and leaned in a little closer to me. "How so?"

"My mother has always fawned over me, for as long as I can remember. And then after I was admitted into the hospital that first time..." My throat constricted against the words for some reason, and I ended up just giving him a small smile instead. "Well, I don't like it. It makes me feel claustrophobic."

He pondered that for a minute. "Don't let my bullshit ruin your day."

"Bullshit? Birthday bullshit or me bullshit?" He might have given up trying to keep clear of me, but there was something that lingered under it all, almost as if he was harboring his own secret. And because of that, we could never really simply be together. There was always this undercurrent of deceit tainting everything we did or said.

Or maybe I was just projecting.

Surprise flickered over his features at my bluntness. "Both."

"Hmm. You know, if you've changed your mind, you don't have to talk to me at all. I thought I made that point perfectly clear the day my truck broke down."

"You did… I…" He dragged his hands through his hair, sending it up on its ends.

"I'm a big girl," I said evenly, but really, I wanted to cling to him and tell him otherwise. "I can take it."

"I didn't change my mind," he breathed. "I just… I don't like seeing you with anyone else. I don't know how to react to this…"

"Possessiveness?" I supplied.

"I guess so." He paused. "So Jasper says you like chocolate cake?"

I answered his question with one of my own. "If you were so pissed off, why were you talking to Jasper about me?"

"I have no fucking clue," he muttered. "I need a smoke, Bella."

A giggle bubbled up out of my chest with his randomness. "I figured as much in the lounge. Do you want me to tell you no?"

He shook his head. "I want you to tell me it's fine as long as I'm not anywhere near you."

"It's not. I would like to see you live long enough to be that badass surgeon you're going to school for."

"You know about that?"

"Of course. This is Forks, Edward."

He let out a dry sound with that. "So that's a no on the cigarette, then."

"That'd be a no," I confirmed.

He grumbled under his breath. "Shit. You're going to kill me."

"No, I'm not. I'm going to save you."

An emotion flashed in his eyes, gone so quickly, I didn't have time to think about it. "Okay, I'll just go out to the car and put on another goddamned patch."

"Thank you."

"Go get some of that cake, yeah? Rosie's pestering the hell out of me to get you back in there. Says she's tired of being the only girl around here or some shit."

"All right."

"And don't fucking touch anyone else." His face softened as he reached out to cup my face. "You only touch me."

I fought back a shiver uselessly and nodded. "Mm-kay."

"And I only touch you," he murmured.

"Yeah?" I whispered, searching his face. I wanted to kiss him, to feel him give that part of himself that he'd given only me. I'd longed for his lips to find mine again all week long.

A photo of Maggie flashed in my mind, and I instantly felt guilty. But it wasn't enough to stop me from wanting him, needing him.

I didn't think anything would.

"Yes. Bella..." His voice was utterly delicious with desire, but he never attempted to close the distance between us. He licked his lips and let his eyes drop down to my mouth, leaning forward ever so slowly…

We broke away from each other when a throat cleared at my door, both of us glancing over with completely different expressions. Mine was full of embarrassment, clear from the heat in my cheeks, and Edward's was full of annoyance and venom for being interrupted.

"Uh..." Emmett ran his hand through his short, dark curls. "That's going to take some getting used to."

"What the hell do you want?" Edward spat. His hands dropped to my waist, squeezing at my hips as he stared up at his brother.

It was the only thing keeping me firmly in place. My body still hummed from our almost-kiss, and it was all I could do to keep the ounce of integrity I had left and not jump in his lap to make out with him, Emmett's presence be damned.

"I know you're pissed…"

"Fuck off," was all Edward said in return.

"Edward," I said softly. His eyes snapped to mine. "Come on."

I could see his jaw clench angrily as he stared back at me. But he never said a word.

Emmett took that as his opportunity to speak. "Look, I threw the party because I figured that if I waited until your birthday, you'd be even more pissed off. At least this way, everyone here will have already made over you and will leave you alone on the actual day. You can go… pretend like it doesn't exist or whatever."

He turned around and abruptly left the room before Edward could say anything. I sat there and chewed on my cheek, watching as Edward turned Emmett's words over in his head.

"He's right, you know. I'd be even more pissed off if he'd have waited until my actual birthday."

"Why?"

"There were some years that I simply hated it because it represented the day that I was brought into this world. If it didn't exist then neither would I. Now…" He shrugged, his eyes burning into mine. "Wishing I'd never existed, no matter how shitty my life was at the time, would mean that I'd never meet my family… or you."

The last word was spoken so quietly, I wondered if maybe I'd just imagined it.

"Anyway," he said, clearing his throat and releasing me from his grasp. "Go. I need to get that other patch, and then I'll be right there."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure, Bella. Just go."

* * *

"Try this one," Rosalie suggested, throwing a hot pink bunch of fabric in my direction.

I managed to catch it just before it hit the ground, and then held it out, a scowl forming on my face as I tried to figure out where the hell the tank top came from.

"Where'd you get it? I didn't think I owned anything this color."

"You don't," she answered, checking her cherry red lipstick out in the small compact mirror she'd pulled out of her purse. "It's mine."

I turned it around and saw how low the neckline dropped in the front. There was no way I was wearing it, because there would be no hiding my scar if I did. "Rose, no. I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it'll show my-"

"Tits?" she finished, smiling at me innocently. But the look in her eyes dared me to challenge her, like she knew exactly what I was attempting to hide.

My mind raced as I tried to figure out how she would have known, who would have told her. All I could think of was Edward or Jasper... But I knew instantly that I was being ridiculous. Never in a million years would either of them say anything.

Not with all their history.

"How'd you know?" I asked warily.

"Saw the scar when you went to get your ID out of your purse at your interview," she said nonchalantly.

"Oh."

She adjusted her own tits in the sling she liked to call a shirt and gave me a sidelong glance. "So what's it from?"

"Surgery," I answered evasively.

"Well, thank you, Captain Fucking Obvious," she snickered. "Care to be specific about it?"

"No. Not really."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like to talk about it," I replied.

"Not even with Edward?"

"Umm..."

"So he knows," she deduced.

"Yes."

She laughed, a sound that reminded me of Emmett's loud guffaw. "Oh, boy. How'd he take it?"

"He..." I shook my head, deciding not to tell her anything of our hike together. It wasn't anyone's business, really, not even Edward's family's. "Let's just say he reciprocated."

"Holy shit, are you serious? Like... he told you things about himself?" she asked, a stunned look on her face.

I nodded.

"That's all you're going to tell me, isn't it?"

"Yep."

She looked at me incredulously before sighing. "Fine. If you're not going to talk to me about anything, then at least put the damned shirt on, you tease."

I giggled under my breath and started for the door, intent on changing in the bathroom like I always did. Only I stopped after just a couple of steps. Rosalie already knew about my scar, so there was no use hiding it from her. I'd changed in front of Alice thousands of times. And like Alice, I knew Rosalie was a friend; this situation was no different.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. With Alice, there would never be any of the awkward self-doubt like there would be if I stripped down to my bra and panties in front of Rosalie. Alice was beautiful in her own way, yes, but Rosalie was blindingly gorgeous.

And Alice was... home.

I finally said 'to hell with it' and ripped off my t-shirt, hurriedly replacing it with the hot pink top Rosalie had loaned me before she had a chance to really examine my scar while it was in plain sight. I fidgeted with the shirt as I stared in the mirror, not realizing I was shaking my head vehemently until Rosalie came up behind me and nodded hers.

Her violet eyes were trained on my face when she spoke, not the portion of my scar the shirt revealed. "Own it, Bella," she murmured, toying with a lock of my hair.

"I can't do it," I gasped, nearly seized with panic. To have everyone staring at me... "I-"

"Has Edward seen it?" she asked calmly.

I blinked once, surprised by her question. "Yeah."

"And does he care?" When I didn't answer, she rephrased her question. "Has he given you any reason to think that anyone—or he—would be disgusted by it?"

"Well... No." It'd seemed like quite the opposite, actually. Edward had seemed... mesmerized by it.

"Then why does it matter?"

"Because I feel like a freak," I whispered.

"We're all freaks in some way," she said as she backed away from me. "But you're wearing that shirt."

"Rose-"

She suddenly beamed, her eyes sparkling excitedly. "I just heard a car pull up. It seems like Edward's just as anxious as you."

"Wh- What?" I stammered, nerves fluttering in my stomach again. I checked my appearance in the mirror, pulling at the top in a futile attempt to cover my scar.

"You look fine. Stop worrying so damned much."

Said the woman who looked like she could have stepped right out of a magazine.

I didn't have a chance to respond, because she was thrusting my purse at me, and then practically dragging me toward the bedroom door.

"What are we doing, anyway?" I sighed as we started down the steps.

She grinned. "We're hitting the batting cages. So grab your Nikes on the way out."

"Batting cages as in baseball?" My face scrunched up. "I don't know how to play."

Her smile turned calculating. "We'll see."

Charlie rushed in from the kitchen to answer the door, stopping just as he spotted us descending the stairs. His mouth dropped open slightly, shocked with my appearance, and then he found his wits again smiled warmly at our guest.

"Hi, Rosalie. I didn't realize you were here."

"Hi, Chief Swan," Rosalie said pleasantly. "I'm just picking Bella up. We're taking her out tonight."

My dad's eyebrow quirked and his gaze found mine. "Oh, really? Where to?"

"We're going to the batting cages," I muttered petulantly. I was going to look ridiculous in front of each and every Cullen tonight. I couldn't even remember hitting a ball... ever... in my lifetime.

"In Port Angeles," Rosalie added, bending over to grab my shoes and tossing them over to me. "After dinner."

"Good luck with that," he laughed.

Rosalie pulled the door open, bypassing Edward in order to go greet Emmett, who was leaning against her red M3. I was pretty sure my dad was watching everything closely, but I never saw it.

All I saw was Edward. His hair. His eyes. The way his jeans sat low on his hips, and the way his Exies shirt clung to the muscles in his long, lean body.

My face broke out into a delighted smile as his gaze dragged over me, darkening ever so slowly as he caught sight of my breasts peeking out of the top of my shirt. His lips twitched with some unknown thought, and he shook his head, taking a moment to run both of his hands through his hair and concentrate on my father.

"Hello, Chief Swan," he said smoothly.

"Edward," Charlie answered uncomfortably.

Charlie shot me a look of disapproval as I took a step out the door, and I was only able to mouth, 'I know' back before Edward was capturing my attention again.

"Ready?" Edward whispered.

"Sure."

We were off the front stoop and far from my father's prying ears before I spoke again.

"The Exies, huh?" I asked with another smile.

"All music," he said in explanation.

"So I see. But tell me, are you ugly, Edward?" I teased. "Really?"

His steps faltered, and he glanced over at me with wide eyes. I had a feeling I'd finally pushed it too far until one side of his lips lifted in what could only be described as an attempt at a smile.

"She's an Exies fan," he mumbled incredulously.

"Sort of."

He huffed. "I shouldn't be letting you do this, Bella."

"Do what, exactly?"

"Get close to me."

I reached out and touched his arm, waiting until he relaxed a little before I let go. "When did I ever give the impression that you could _let_  me do anything?"

He didn't reply back to that.

Edward walked to the passenger's side of his Volvo with me and opened the door, surprising me a little with his chivalry; I didn't think he had it in him.

"I see Rosalie got a hold of you," he said lowly, his eyes flipping up to make sure my father wasn't watching us. Satisfied with what he saw, his fingers came up to trace over the line of my scar, his green gaze now directed so that he could see every second his skin connected with mine.

"Yeah," I breathed shakily. His hand suddenly fell to his side, so I slipped inside, only to notice that no one was in the car with me. My eyes darted up to where Rosalie's car was once parked. They'd already gone too.

It was just the two of us.

I swallowed audibly. "Where's uh... where's everyone at?"

"They all crammed into Rosie's car," he said tightly.

"I-" Oh, shit. "Are you sure about this?"

"Not really."

He shut the door and started around to the driver's side before I could say anything else. The second he dropped down in his seat and closed us in together, Edward's scent flooded my nose, making it so I couldn't move. Not that I'd want to anyway. This fire he started in me when we were alone was... divine. Sinfully divine, as much of an oxymoron as that was. But I had no other words for it. I shouldn't want to feel this, and yet I did. It was... addictive.

No wonder Edward was terrified of it.

I held onto the base of my seat the entire way to Port Angeles, pretty sure that if I let go, I'd find myself in Edward's lap doing... things that would cause us to wreck. And I was worried enough about that already.

Edward's driving was maniacal.

The tires screeched as he slid into a parking space outside a small building in downtown Port Angeles. I pried my fingers off the seat and reached for the door handle only to find that Edward's mouth was suddenly on me...  _he_  was all over me. His hands roamed my body, grazing over my breasts as they moved down to my hips. He grabbed me tightly and pulled me closer to him, but not close enough so that our bodies could connect like I so desperately wanted. It was almost as if he was using my body to ground himself. Like he was trying not to lose control.

Oh, how I wanted him to lose control.

I moaned a little in his mouth, trying to get a few words out but finding it absolutely useless. So I threw my arms around his neck, literally wrenching myself out of his grasp to get closer to him. I didn't know what I expected to happen here in plain sight—in the car—but I just couldn't stop. I suddenly needed so much more than he was willing to give me.

The second my chest pushed against his, he growled warningly, "Bella, fuck... Stop. Now."

"I- I can't," I stuttered against his lips.

"Shit."

Jasper's fist pounded at the roof of Edward's car, causing us each to leap away from each other. I touched my lips, now completely numb. Nothing could describe the complexity of the way it felt when he kissed me. He made me ache. He made me content. He made me feel safe.

He made me feel horrible.

I glanced over at Edward and found that hard mask was back, the fury in his eyes searing into mine. He'd set up every last one of his defenses again, and then some.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella. What the fuck was that?" he ground out, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

"I don't know. What were you doing?"

"Fucking trying to ward of an attack. What'd you think I was doing?"

"You attacked me first, jackass!"

That was met with a glare.

"Okay. You find me so revolting? I'll ride home with Rosalie, then," I shot back nastily.

I could see his jaw slacken slightly, but I didn't care. I kept my eyes forward, ignoring everyone inside and outside the car.

His hand reached over to grab mine, and my eyes involuntarily snuck over to his. Damn it, I hated how much of a hold he had over me. It made it impossible to stay angry with him.

"I was surprised," he said slowly. "I'm not used to..."

"What?"

He swallowed hard, like he was determined to get the words out. "I'm not used to feeling this way about someone."

"Feeling how?" I pressed.

His tongue flicked out to wet his lips. "Like I want to fuck you."

Well, that was unexpected.

"Sex is..." he continued as he pulled at his hair, "I don't... I haven't... Fuck. Forget it."

"I know the name of my donor," I blurted out, immediately slapping my hand over my mouth.

"What?" Edward turned so that his entire body was facing me. "How? They're anonymous."

"I made Charlie look her up."

"That's probably one of the stupidest fucking things someone like you could do," he replied harshly.

"I know," I acknowledged, clamping down on the need to say any more.

We didn't say anything for a while, both of us listening to Emmett's muffled whine about eating without us if we didn't hurry the fuck up.

"What's her name?" Edward eventually whispered.

My heart slammed against my ribcage, either in response from his question or from our earlier kiss. I couldn't tell. I reached up to feel it, memorizing the way it thrummed through my skin since I so rarely got to feel it like this these days.

Edward's hand slid under mine, his eyes trained on the spot.

Another couple of seconds of silence.

"Her name?" he prompted again.

I took a deep breath. "Maggie."

I waited for something—anything—a flash of recognition as I finally let go of the one word I'd been holding onto all this time, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong.

Only there was nothing, not a single spark, confirming what I'd assumed to be right from everything I'd been told about Maggie.

Edward didn't know that she had ever existed.

* * *

**So I'm going to hide for a while, but first I just wanna say...**

**Dear Maggie was rec'd on Fictionators this week. Huge thanks go out to Kassiah, Caren, and nicekittyrawr for the amazing review. www (dot) fictionators (dot) com/ rec/ dear-maggie-by-jenny0719/**

**Dear Maggie was also rec'd on TwiBetween. Thank you for that too! www (dot) twibetween(dot) com/ 2011/ 10/ fan-fiction-recommendation- 10511(dot) html**

**I heart you all :)**

**Also, I always feel like I should answer/say more about this fic, but I'm afraid if I do, I'll give something away. But here's a couple of things I wanted to clarify:**

**1) Bella's denervated heart. Here's a quick run down of it. The nerves don't always grow back the way they were before a transplant, which means that the donor heart will beat faster than a typical adult's when resting, and also will be slower than average during exercise. But not all denervated hearts respond to exercise (adrenaline) and will beat steadily all the patient's life. I wanted Bella's to react, though, because I wanted her heart to respond to Edward. More specifically, the adrenaline pumping in her veins when he kisses her, etc. And also because there is always that one anomaly in medicine. No one is ever the same.**

**2) Most states aren't going to separate siblings willingly during an adoption. But whoever said anything about the state breaking them up?**

**Exies reference is to their song "Ugly", and some of the lyrics remind me of what Edward's character tends to think of himself. And just because I love the song.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks to Stratan for being the best beta ever, and for hanging out with me last week, even though it was tough as shit for him to get there. ILY, dude, and miss you already :)**

**Thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading and giving me all their knee-jerk reactions. I loves you guys, too. SFM.**

**Thanks for everyone who recs and adds and reviews this fic. OMG, you all amaze me and I bow to you.**

**Ok, so don't kill me...**

* * *

Chapter 10

**Edward**

"God damn it, Bella, just hit the motherfucker so we can go!" I shouted at her from behind the fence.

She spun around to face me, severely annoyed with my impatience. "I would, except for the teensy little fact that I don't know what I'm doing."

"Yeah, that's pretty fucking apparent."

She ignored me and just spun back around.

She held the bat awkwardly and watched the machine again. She'd been at it for... Well, I'd lost track of how fucking long I'd stood here watching her. Each time she swung, she caught nothing but air. I was ready to go back home, but I couldn't seem to get the stubborn girl to move.

Now we were the only ones left. Everyone else had abandoned us in order to watch something less... painful.

Not that I could blame them.

I groaned when the ball flew into the fence in front of me and finally decided that I was going to have to do something to help her, as much as I didn't want to. I'd managed to stay clear of Bella the whole night. I'd sat across from her at the restaurant and kept to the opposite side of the small bookstore we'd snuck inside, even though I wanted to see her skim over each book she picked up and find out which passages moved her; what it was about the book she'd left with that had urged her to buy it. Because I'd been so fucking determined to prevent a repeat of what happened in the car, I'd missed nearly our entire night together. This was the first time since we'd arrived in Port Angeles that we'd really interacted with one another.

Which was exactly why I didn't want to try any of this shit in the first place. I didn't know how to be some average college student on a date. I didn't know what balance was... always bouncing around from such opposite sides of the spectrum.

And I had no idea how Bella could stand to be around me when I could hardly stand to be around myself...

Another ball came flying at me, hitting the fence with a loud clanging noise before finally falling to the ground. I was going to have to do something further to help her, instead of standing here and shouting instructions at her.

Especially if I was going to be able to get her back home at a decent hour and keep on Chief Swan's good side. If he had one, that is.

I waited until another ball had flown out of the machine before opening the gate and coming up behind her. I put my hands on her shoulders, ignoring the shaky breath that fell from her lips as I did, and pulled her body back toward me so that her stance was right. Then I pushed her feet out a little with mine, redistributed her weight, and stood back to watch.

Swing.

Miss.

I readjusted her again, careful to keep my dick away from her ass. That was the last thing I needed right now.

And pretty much the only thing I could think of.

Another ball flew toward us.

Nothing. She couldn't even tip it.

I growled, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I give up," she said, sounding like she was ready to cry. "I don't know why I agreed to do this. I don't play sports. I've never played sports. So let's just go. I know you're pissed off about standing here for so long, anyway."

I hated how her voice sounded and was suddenly ready to stand here as long as it took for her to hit the damn ball. Just so she'd be happy. "No. I... Try hitting with your left."

"But I'm right handed," she argued, pushing at the black helmet on her head. She turned to face me and I realized how oddly cute she was in the oversized thing. "Emmett said this side is where I'm supposed to stand."

"Humor me, Bella."

She didn't move.

"Just once."

She grumbled something under her breath and hurried over to the other side of the plate. She chewed on her lip and got ready, her hands gripping onto the bat tightly.

"Like this?" she asked nervously.

"Yeah."

The ball shot out of the machine, the crack of the bat hitting it high into the air following just after. I blinked rapidly, staring at an equally stupefied Bella, and then suddenly found myself wrapped up in a squealing heap of limbs and had soft, coconut scented hair plastered against my nose.

For the first time in years, I laughed. And it felt  _good._

Bella froze in my arms, slowly bringing her head back to look at me fully as her body slid down mine. She stood there molded against me with an awed, beaming smile on her face.

I abruptly discovered that I'd laugh for all eternity to see that smile. The thought was like being dunked in a tub of ice cold water, chilling me to the bone.

I was in way over my head with this girl.

"Do it again," she murmured, her eyes darting to my lips.

I cleared my throat and tried for nonchalance. "I think you should do  _that_ again," I returned.

Thankfully, she was still too high off her success to notice how uncomfortable I was. "Oh, trust me. I'm going to. Over and over again until they kick us out."

I think I managed to grin a little with that.

She made another squealing sound, one I found fascinating. "Holy fuck, I won the lottery."

I rolled my eyes. "Please. Get your ass back up to the plate."

She reached out to put her hand on my jaw. "Your smile is amazing, Edward. Why don't you ever let people see you for what you truly are?"

"Fucked up?" I retorted.

She shook her head obstinately. "Beautiful."

I backed away from her, staring down at the ground. I couldn't keep deceiving her like I was. She deserved to know the truth about me before her opinion of me got even higher or before she...

I couldn't even think it.

But no matter how much I wanted to list off every single horrific thing that had happened to me, give her the thousands of reasons why I was such a shitty person, I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing her, the one person I'd ever let see my darkened soul.

So I shoved my hands in my pockets and rushed over to the small section of seating just outside the cage. I sat down and habitually reached for a smoke, remembering too fucking late that I didn't do that shit anymore.

Because of her. All of it was because of her.

I watched her hit the ball over and over again, driving them high and to the left each and every time. She was a natural at bat, and I had to wonder how the fuck this clumsy girl managed to find such grace here. And if she was just as talented fielding a ball as she was at hitting it.

Eventually, she stopped hitting and hurried out of the cage. She shut the machine down and threw off the helmet, still grinning, before finally working her way to me.

"Get bored?" I asked as she approached.

"Nope. Just feel like my arms are going to fall off."

I noticed then that her breathing was a little rough and her skin was dewy with sweat. "How's the heart?" I murmured, reaching out to feel it like I always did.

Its steadiness reassured me for some reason, and feeling it pulse beneath her skin reminded me of how easily life could slip away from you. I'd always been so careless with my own mortality, but thinking of how this Maggie person gave Bella life brought new meaning to my own. I'd navigated hell to get to where I was today, and maybe one day in some distant form of my future, I'd manage to change someone's life the way that Bella's surgeon had changed hers.

"It's fine."

There was a lull of silence, and with it came this inexplicable drive to know about Maggie. I hadn't given myself the opportunity to dwell on Bella's earlier words, too preoccupied with keeping clear of her and the sexual chemistry we seemed to share. Now that this heart of hers was literally staring me in the face, I had to know something about the girl... anything at all. It was fucking weird, but it just felt like... like I was supposed to.

But I didn't know how to ask.

"What do you know about her?" I managed to rasp.

"Know about who?"

"Maggie." Saying her name out loud cause some strange sensation to arise within me. I had no idea what to think of it.

"Oh. Uh, well..." She fidgeted nervously, looking over at my car as she chewed on her lip. "She was um... Um..."

"Spit it out, Bella."

"I uh... I mean..."

She was holding back for some reason, probably because she was seeing how unworthy I really was of this knowledge.

Well, fuck if I was going to stand here while she waited to figure out how to let me down easy.

"Never mind," I snapped at her.

It was a dick move, but I wrenched the baseball bat out of her hand and stalked off toward my Volvo, leaving her there to sputter behind me. I was so fucking pissed off, I could barely see straight as I made it over to my car, though I really didn't know why. It wasn't like I didn't already know I was shit, not like I hadn't expected it. It was inevitable. I'd waited for this moment since the day I met her.

But it didn't do anything to erase the sting.

I threw the bat as hard as I could out into the empty parking lot, watching it skitter across the expanse of the pavement before rolling to a stop at the edge of the grass.

Didn't feel a damn bit better.

"Edward!" Bella yelled from behind me. I could hear her steps coming closer, but refused to look at her. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Don't fucking worry with it."

"No. I will worry with it." She grabbed at my arm, jerking it so hard that she shocked me, and was able to twist me around to face her. "Stop being such a prick all the time and just talk to me!"

I huffed, unable to look at her. My blood boiled with rejection. I fucking despised it. "Get it the car. We're going home."

"Not until you tell me what the problem is."

I clenched my jaw, knowing the girl would literally stand here all night waiting for me to talk to her. Rain was supposed to move in later, and she'd get soaked. Then she'd get sick.

Son of a bitch.

"You don't want to tell me," I answered bitingly. "I get it. I wouldn't tell me either."

She laughed in disbelief. "You're joking, right?"

I kept silent, staring down at our feet.

"I want to tell you, Edward. Do you know how long I've wanted to tell you about her?"

"Then why don't you?" I seethed.

"Because I don't want you to hate me!" she shouted, and my eyes immediately shot to hers. "You're the first good thing that's ever happened to me, and I think—no, I know—if I tell you, then you'll hate me forever."

"I can't hate you, Bella. You're the _only_  good thing that's ever happened to me." Not even my family, who I knew I loved without a shadow of a doubt, could compare to her.

She stumbled backward with my confession and hunched over, bracing herself with her hands on her thighs. "Don't say that," she breathed. "You don't know…"

"Why? It's fucking true. Can't you tell? You're the only thing I think about anymore!"

I couldn't see her face through the curtain of hair that fell around her, but I could see her back shake silently as she cried.

"Shit. I... I didn't mean to make you cry."

Christ, I had no clue what I was doing. Every time I turned around, I was doing something to upset her.

I should have just walked away right then.

"You didn't. It's me." She inhaled sharply. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have..."

I didn't know what it was that she shouldn't have done, because she never finished the sentence.

Nor did I ever make her. I simply stood there with her in the parking lot, berating myself for being such a goddamned idiot all of the time. This was still all so raw for Bella. Yet here I was, acting like a spoiled, petulant child demanding answers; answers she wasn't ready to give me yet. I was irrefutably the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had her in my arms. Something struck me as I pulled her against me. This girl made me strive to be a better person. No attempt at patching up those old wounds of mine had accomplished a fraction of what she had in just a month's time. And she hadn't even realized she was doing it; that was the most amazing part of it.

She simply was.

I led her to the car and sat her inside, murmuring shit I'd heard Carlisle say to Esme when she was upset about something. It seemed to help some; her sobs quieted down enough that I was comfortable with shutting the door and driving her home.

Nothing else was said as I drove back to Forks, and the chemistry between us that was always so fucking mind-bending seemed to have, thankfully, taken the night off. I wasn't sure I could handle that part of this whole fucked up relationship of ours too.

When we arrived back to town, I parked in the chief's driveway and leaned my head back against the seat, closing my eyes. I was so fucking tired all of a sudden. Staying awake tonight would prove to be challenging.

"I'm sorry," she eventually whispered, apparently running on fucking replay. "Maggie is... Was..."

She still couldn't find the words.

"Whatever it is can wait," I said sleepily. "I'm too… Fuck, I can't think straight right now."

She was quiet for a while, debating whether or not to do as I said. "Okay."

"Go inside and make sure your dad knows I got you home at a decent hour."

She giggled some, but it sounded so hollow. "Trying to impress him?"

"Fuck yes."

"Will you... Will you come back?"

"No. Yes. I-" I dragged my hands through my hair. "Let me think about it."

She nodded and put her hand on the door handle. "I had fun, Edward. Thank you."

She slipped out the door before I had a chance to realize how glad I was for that.

And was inside the house before I could tell her.

* * *

Long after I'd left Bella's, I found myself staring up at my ceiling in an effort to keep my eyes open. I slapped at my face the moment I felt my eyes start crossing with exhaustion. Pinched my arm when I got too relaxed. Splashed my face with cold water, played a video game for an hour, and listened to a few select songs on my iPod at eardrum-bursting levels.

Nothing was working.

I was going to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anxiety ripped through me with the thought, and I decided that if I wasn't going to be able to stop it then I didn't want to be alone. Maybe the warm body next to me would help dull some of those nightmares.

That was the theory, anyway.

I huffed and threw the covers off of my body, giving myself a second to make sure that what I was getting ready to do was actually what I  _wanted_ before I made my way to my closet and threw on something to wear.

I hurried downstairs and wrote Esme a bullshit note in case she were to wake up and notice I was gone, sliding it up under a magnet on the refrigerator and then making my way to my car.

The drive was short, not really giving me enough time to gather my thoughts or plan my words. I parked a few houses down and got out and manually locked the car so that the sound of the horn didn't wake the neighbors like it would if I'd have used the fob. I shoved my hands in my pockets along with my keys and started toward the tree that would take me to her.

The window was black against the white-sided house telling me that,  _unlike me_ , Bella was asleep. But I slithered up the tree regardless, my conscience screaming at me to turn away and leave.

Like I ever listened to the fucker.

The window was unlocked, exactly as I'd expected it to be. I crawled inside and landed on the balls of my feet, careful not to wake the sleeping girl in the bed before me. I went to her side and crouched down, grinding my teeth together so I didn't reach out and touch her. Wake her. Hear her voice. I didn't merely want this girl around me anymore. There was something that made me need her now, coming to life the second she broke down in front of me. I just knew I didn't deserve her. Not yet.

But I wanted to.

I gave in to the need to feel her skin against mine, not wanting to be the creepy fuck that watched some girl sleep without her knowing of his presence. Bella was a lighter sleeper than I'd anticipated, jumping awake the moment I cupped her face. She bolted upright and scrambled away from me, her eyes wild with fear.

"Damn it," I hissed, annoyed with myself.

She relaxed when she laid her eyes on me, letting out a gust of air as she sank back against the wooden headboard.

"I didn't think you were coming," she breathed.

I shrugged, staring down at the purple comforter that concealed her from me. Probably a good thing since I had a feeling that more than just the usual sliver of skin was exposed underneath it.

"Purple?" I finally asked. I'd wondered about it since the first time I'd been here.

Bella didn't seem the purple type.

"Charlie."

"Ah."

I fumbled with the edge of it for a while, not knowing exactly where to begin. Eventually, her hand grabbed at mine, halting my movements, and causing me to glance up at her nervously.

Her smile was warm... amused. Normally, it would have pissed me off, but with Bella... I just wanted to laugh at my absurdity.

"Fuck it," I muttered. "Here it is: I'm going back to therapy."

"Oh," she said, surprised by my admission. "Are you... okay?"

"No. I tell everyone I'm okay, but lately I've found that to be the farthest fucking thing from the truth possible."

Her fingers wound through mine.

"It happened when you got here," I continued.

"Am I supposed to apologize?" she asked, cocking her brow at me.

"No. I told you I'm fucked up."

She sighed and scooted a little closer to me. "You're you. I wouldn't want to spend so much time with you if you were someone else."

I scoffed.

"I thought that maybe it was...  _something_ else. And I guess at first it was. But now that I know you... I'd have wanted to be with you anyway."

I stopped breathing for a moment, memorizing the feeling of elation that pulsed through me.

"Do you have a specific place you want to go? I mean, I can't imagine Forks having many psychologists," she said uncertainly.

"Yeah. I've been thinking about going back for a while. It's in Seattle, where I want to go. Carlisle's found a decent shrink for me up there, and I figured that since I'll be heading to college there this fall-"

"I think it's a great idea, Edward. Really."

"Okay." I swallowed hard, forcing myself to continue. "I'm going for you."

"Me?" She blinked a few times. "Edward, why?"

"I want to deserve this," I answered quietly.

"You do," she said emphatically. "You so do."

I didn't want to waste my time arguing with her, so I changed the subject. "I have a um, a sort of proposition for you."

She laughed. "What's that?"

"The garage does this bullshit softball league every summer. Do it with us?"

"I don't know..."

"You'd be great at it, Bella. Rosalie's on it."

"And that would be why she dragged me to those batting cages in the first place. Sneaky bitch. She probably left thinking what a lost cause I was."

"Little does she know..."

"I might be able to hit, but I don't know the rules or anything," she admitted.

"We'll teach you."

She pursed her lips as she thought about it, and then finally nodded her head. "Yeah, okay. I can try."

I crouched there awkwardly beside her for a moment, not exactly sure how to tell her the real reason I'd come over.

"Edward."

I groaned. "I hate it when you do that shit, Bella."

"Do what?" she asked innocently.

"Read my mind."

She giggled sleepily, lying back and patting the side next to her. "You didn't come here just to ask me two things that could have waited until Monday."

I exhaled sharply.

"Get in and shut up."

I stood up and scowled as soon as I realized I'd be sleeping in jeans. I hadn't exactly thought this plan through when I'd left the house, which just showed how fucking tired I really was. I would have never let this shit slide if I'd been fully coherent.

"What now?" she mumbled.

"Nothing. It's nothing," I said, chewing on my cheek as I pulled back the covers. "Maybe I should just go over-"

"Edward," she said again. "Stop second guessing it. Just get in."

I grumbled obscenities under my breath but obeyed, actually getting the fucking nerve to climb under the covers with Bella this time.

She sighed and scooted down under the covers some more, closing her eyes with a hint of a smile. I gripped my side of the pillow, feeling her body heat radiate against me even more without the barrier of the purple quilt between us.

I swore all the blood left my extremities to gather in one, specific place...

She opened one eye to peek at me. "You okay?"

"Think I might have to get on top of the comforter again," I said tightly.

"I would really rather you didn't, because then I couldn't do this..."

She moved closer to me, laying her arm over my torso and placing her head on my shoulder. I froze beneath her, panic bubbling up in my chest. I was hard, and she was right next to me. One small shift of our bodies and she'd know. She'd feel exactly what she did to me, without even trying.

Oh. Holy. God.

My breaths grew sharper, and I squeezed my eyes closed in hopes of moving past it. This was Bella. She'd touched me countless times in the last few weeks, and I'd kissed her twice. She was just as affected by me as I was by her. This was nothing different. Not in the least.

Like hell it wasn't. This was the most intimate thing she'd ever done with me. It was casual, warm, trusting…

"What um… What book did you buy tonight?" I finally squeaked out, sounding just like a thirteen year old again.

Fuck.

"So now you want to know?" she asked on a yawn.

I growled a little in frustration; I'd already apologized.

"You get worked up so easily," she giggled. "I bought a compilation of Jane Austen works. I probably shouldn't have spent the money, but I wanted to read Pride and Prejudice again. I left my copy at my mom's in Phoenix."

"Austen," I repeated flatly. Never would have guessed that one.

"Mm-hmm. I love Mr. Darcy. You kind of remind me of him, actually."

My eyes shot down to the top of her head. In no fucking alternate universe did I resemble some pompous ass in breeches.

"You're nothing like I thought you'd be when I first met you. That first impression…" She trailed off, leaving me ready to beg to know the rest. "Well, I hated you. I hated everything about you."

The feeling was mutual.

She didn't say any more, which was just as well since I was getting sleepier by the second. My eyes grew heavy, and fear wormed its way inside me. I didn't know what I'd dream about this time… what memory would resurface and make me feel like that lost kid again. Fuck, I didn't want to sleep… Wanted to keep fighting it…

xxxx

I woke up to the sound of a door closing heavily. I pried my eyes open and looked around, letting them rest on the clock on Bella's bedside table. Four hours. I'd managed to sleep four hours dream free.

"Holy shit," I murmured. I moved so that I could see Bella and brought my hand up to push some of her hair off her face. I couldn't remember when the last time I'd managed to sleep and wake up to something other than the sickening feel of my memories, done something... normal.

Only I hadn't, really. Something had woken me up. Something in the hall...

I sucked in a startled breath just as my eyes darted over to the door, realizing Bella's father was out there. A thump sounded from the hallway, and if I had to guess, I'd say Chief Swan had tripped over something in the dark. And that the noise came from somewhere close to Bella's room.

He was coming this way.

"Fuck," I hissed, reaching up to Bella's shoulder to shake her awake. "Bella…"

I was answered with a groggy, "huh".

"Your dad. Bella, get up."

"Charlie's in his room," she muttered. "Asleep."

"No, he's not. Charlie's up," I returned. "And right outside the door."

She bolted upright and practically shoved me out the bed. "Go hide. Now."

I glanced around incredulously, trying to see any space in her tiny fucking room that I would fit in. "Where?"

"I don't know," she whispered harshly. "The closet?"

"Jesus fucking Christ. That cracker box?"

"You see someplace better?"

_No._

I raked my hands through my hair and scurried across the room, opening her closet door and crouching down on the floor inside. As soon as I was out of sight, Bella's door squeaked, and a gasp came out of her mouth. I could hear the sound of the covers rustling, followed by Bella's frantic footsteps. A slight pause was followed by a grunt from Charlie.

"Daddy? Daddy, what's wrong?" Bella cried.

"Feel kind of… funny," he managed. "Dizzy."

There was another strange thump, this time I was able to deduce that it was the chief falling against the wall.

"Edward!"

The sound of Bella's terrified voice had me jumping out of the closet and racing to her in no time. Chief Swan's eyes grew huge, and his lips curled just as he slid down the wall.

"It's not what you think," I told him, kneeling down next to him.

"Sure. That's what they all say." He groaned a little. "Can't breathe."

"It's not," Bella swore. "I promise. And even if it were you wouldn't get to say anything about it. I'm nineteen."

"My house," he countered.

"Dad, stop talking. We can argue over it later."

He threw his head back against the wall. He was pale and sweaty, and I would bet my worthless life he was nauseated and had a racing pulse.

But I couldn't bring myself to touch him to find out.

Bella's hands ran over her father's body frantically. She sniffled once, and then looked over at me.

Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"Edward, what do I do?"

"Got any aspirin?"

She nodded as she wiped at her nose.

"Get it," I said calmly. "Now."

She nodded again and ran out of the room, leaving me to the chief on my own. I yanked my phone out of my pocket and dialed for an ambulance, remembering all the time I'd spent shadowing Carlisle my senior year in high school. This is what I wanted to do. Fix someone just like Charlie. Save them. Make them like new again.

It was exhilarating having the knowledge to tell the dispatcher exactly what was going on beneath the skin. Finally doing something worthwhile. For someone worthwhile.

Now if I could just fucking examine him like an actual doctor...

"Ever seen someone have a heart attack?" I asked the chief as I hung up the phone.

"Yeah. After they went unconscious."

"Well, this is what it looks like before. You feel like you had heartburn earlier this evening?"

His eyes widened. "I thought it was... Shit."

 _Shit_ was right.

"I missed all the signs. Signs I studied every day Bella was in that hospital in Phoenix. They had posters... everywhere."

"Most people do," I told him.

Bella practically fell into the room with the bottle of aspirin. She shoved it at me with a shaking hand, her eyes darting over to Charlie again.

I got out one of the small, white pills and handed it to Chief Swan. "Chew it. Slowly."

He did as instructed, his face scrunching up as the bitter taste of the pill hit his tongue.

"Ambulance is on its way," I murmured, risking a glance over at Bella.

The look on her face was like taking a knife to the chest.

"What?" Bella shrieked.

"He's having a heart attack." A broken sob came pouring out of her mouth just as the faint sound of sirens found my ears. "He's okay, Bella. He'll be fine. You need to pack some things, though... your meds."

She nodded once, her hand covering her mouth and tears streaming down her face.

"Go greet the paramedics at the door."

She didn't budge.

"Bella!" I shouted, causing her eyes to whip over to me. "Paramedics. Let them in."

"Oh!" she gasped. "Right. Okay."

I could hear her feet pound at the stairs as she rushed to meet them, but stared at Chief Swan the whole time.

"What are you doing with her?" he asked roughly.

"No idea," I answered honestly. "None at all."

He grunted once. "Wrong answer, kid."

I wasn't going to try to deny that.

"I'll really be all right?" he whispered, his brown eyes fearful.

"You're not one of those poor, unconscious bastards, are you?" I retorted.

His lips twitched behind his mustache, and I couldn't help but think that maybe he didn't dislike me as much as I'd thought.

Although, I certainly hadn't won any fucking points by sneaking into Bella's room to begin with.

"No," he answered slowly. "I'm definitely not."

"You're definitely not," I agreed. "You'll be fine, sir."

There was a flurry of activity as the paramedics came barreling through the house. They got Chief Swan packaged on the stretcher and loaded him up into the ambulance. Bella was… Well, she was panicked. Understandably so. And I had no idea what to do for her.

Actually, that wasn't exactly true.

I grabbed my phone and punched in the number I was so familiar with, waiting impatiently for my father to pick the damned thing up.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked in greeting. "It's four in the morning. Where are you?"

"Bella's."

Silence.

"I'll explain later. The chief… Shit, Dad, he had an MI."

I could hear movement on the other side of the line. "What? How bad?"

"He's… He's okay," I managed. "I think. I need… I mean, I need you to…"

"I'm getting dressed now. I'll contact the cardiologist on call and explain the situation. I'm sure I'll have no problems getting into that OR."

I exhaled in relief. "Thanks. Bella's… important to me. So by extension…"

"So is Charlie," he finished for me.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing," he said soothingly. "Just take care of Bella."

"I can do that."

Carlisle chuckled. "I'll see you soon."

I shoved my pocket and started looking around for Bella, finding her shoving giant orange prescription bottles into a small, black bag. She was muttering something strange… sounding a bit like-

"I fucking hate irony," she spat as she zipped up her bag. Her eyes were fierce when they found mine, no trace of the panicked girl that I'd seen earlier.

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. She dragged in a shaky breath and started toward the door.

"He has to be okay, Edward. He just has to," she said, letting the door slam shut in my face as she walked outside.

I hurriedly opened it and ran over to her. I grabbed the bag from her and took her arm, leading her over to where she'd parked her truck earlier.

"Keys," I requested, putting out my hand.

"What?"

"You're not driving like this." I tried to make some kind of comforting motion or expression or… something. I was pretty sure I failed. "I'll take you."

"Thank you," she whispered, a tear streaking down her face.

The cool metal hit my palm, and I smiled a little with how easy my words came when before they'd been so hard to say. "You're welcome. Now let's go. I want to make sure you're in the right place when Carlisle comes to talk to you."

"Carlisle?" she asked in surprise. "Your dad, Dr. Cullen, Carlisle?"

"I called him earlier. I didn't know what else to-"

My words were stopped by the way she enveloped me in her arms, clinging to me and cutting off my circulation and the air in my lungs…

She didn't speak for a while, and when she did, her voice was thick and rough with tears. "I don't know what I'd have done without you here."

"Yes, you do. You'd have done everything I did."

"No, I- Maybe." She inhaled deeply, readying herself to go. "Drive how you want. I'll close my eyes. Just get me there as quick as you can."

Like I'd have done anything else.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to Stratan for being my super dude, and thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading.**

**I've been told that this chapter should come with a tissue warning. So there it is.  
**

* * *

Chapter 11

**Bella**

**10 months ago – Transplant Day**

"Dad?"

My voice was barely a whisper, and I wondered if he'd managed to hear it. He stood so still in front of the window, watching the bustle outside the hospital walls, something I hadn't really been a part of in months. When he turned, I knew he'd heard me, but was just giving himself a moment to regroup before facing me.

I was so sorry for that.

"We need to talk… before…" I glanced over at the door pointedly.

"Yeah? What about?"

I waited until he was beside me and sitting in the chair he'd claimed as his own in these last few months. I shifted in the bed some, but even that was hard to do these days. I was so weak, lifeless.

But I wouldn't be for much longer. A girl had died early this morning in a car accident. A girl whose heart would soon replace my own. I wondered what she looked like, how old she was… What it was that made her decide to be a donor in the first place. I wondered how long I'd be cooped up inside these walls before I could go back home, how long it would take before I could run again... how long my new heart would last.

But that was only if I made it through the surgery, or if the donor heart wasn't deemed unfit for transplant. There was a huge chance that my parents would be out the money they'd had set aside in a mutual fund for so long, along with all of the hospital expenses I'd accrued and would  _still_ accrue, because I could die of rejection in the weeks that followed. So many risks… and I was tired of hearing them.

A squeeze to my arm brought Charlie back into focus. I stared over at my IV, watching the blood thinner drip into the line. "Oh, um…" I took a steadying breath. Never in a million years did I think I'd need to have this conversation with my father, yet here I was about to say what few nineteen year olds had to. "Don't let Mom have some big, over the top funeral for me."

"Bella," he snapped, "you'll be fine. Stop talking like that. You'll wake up and be better than ever."

I continued like I hadn't heard him. "She can do whatever she wants for the wake; she can have a parade downtown for all I care. But I don't want to look like some morbid circus freak lying there in that casket."

"Damn it," he growled.

"Dad." I let my eyes finally latch on to his. They were wide with terror, brimming with tears. I'd never seen my father cry before. Not when I was diagnosed. Not when I was wheeled into the OR for my first surgery. Not when I had exhausted all treatment options and was put on the transplant list.

My breathing stopped and the words caught in my throat.

I would not cry.

So I pulled in another steadying breath. "There's this green satin dress Alice bought for me in the closet at Mom's. I've never gotten a chance to wear it. Have them put me in it?"

He stared at me for a second, seeing how unwavering I was, and nodded. "I think Alice would like that."

"Me too." Being buried in some specific dress seemed ridiculous and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but I knew Alice would get it. She always did. "And no funny makeup. That kind of goes with the whole circus freak in a casket thing I'm trying to avoid."

He let out a brittle laugh. "Okay."

"I want bright colored flowers. Everywhere. I don't want that room to smell like death."

A tear slipped down his cheek, and I nearly stopped the conversation. Only, realistically, I couldn't. I may never have a chance to speak to him again.

"I don't want a white casket. Everyone knows how much of a child I still am. No need for another reminder."

He nodded again.

"I don't want any kind of music about where I'm going and that we'll see each other again. Classical, maybe. But none of that cliché crap."

"I don't really think you need to worry with this, but all right. I'll make sure your mom knows."

"And I want my hair down. I think that's it." I pursed my lips as I thought about it some more. "No, I want you to be happy. Please."

"I am happy."

"You're a liar," I argued weakly. "When was the last time you went out on a date? Mom?"

"No…" He shook his head and moved his hand down to mine. "But it might as well have been. I think you were five the last time someone was interested me."

"That's pretty pathetic," I joked.

His lips quirked behind his mustache.

The click of the door opening broke up the moment, and we both glanced over to see a nurse pop her head in the room. "Bella, you have five minutes. No more."

"Can you find my mom and Alice?"

She smiled. "Sure, honey."

I turned back to my father and gripped his hand tighter, memorizing the feel of it on top of mine. "I love you, you know."

"What am I going to do if you don't make it?" he asked gruffly. "I still think of you as that baby your mother and I brought home with no idea of how to take care of. I can't imagine-"

He cut himself off and ducked his head down so I couldn't see his face.

I used my other hand to swipe away the tears that had fallen, and answered him the only way I could. "Daddy, you'll live. For me."

xxxxx

**Present Day**

Pacing was soothing; it was a way to burn off all of this excess energy I seemed to have. It helped me to think, kept my head clear. It kept my heart rate down and my head from pounding with stress. It kept me from having a panic attack. It kept me from crying...

So I kept telling myself. Along with the reminder that I was going to have to stop thinking in terms of the word "kept", because I was beginning to sound like a broken record.

Again.

Reality was a stark contrast. I was nauseated, literally sick with worry, and pacing was only a distraction from the ache in my head. Panic swam inside me, and the oddest things would make my chin tremble with those tears I refused to cry. They'd routed Charlie straight to surgery as soon as his condition had been properly assessed, which included dozens of wires and tests, x-rays and...

And all I could do was wait.

If one good thing came out of Charlie's heart attack it was this: I had to tell Edward why I came to Forks in the first place now, before it was too late. Something could happen to either of us in a blink, and then this wonderful man would never know how equally wonderful his sister was. He'd never know of her existence, and that would be my fault. As much as I wanted to watch every scrap of information about Maggie go up in flames and pretend that I knew nothing of his connection to her, I just couldn't. I couldn't keep living this lie. My resolve was steady, unwavering. This was why I was here. Pretending otherwise was childish, selfish, mean… and it was cheating Edward out of knowing his sister.

I paced some more and chanced a look over at Edward. He was calm, cool, the mask firmly in place again, only it was for me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking as he was bent over the magazine he'd picked up, and that was okay because he was being solid... for  _me_.

Edward's gaze found mine, and I gripped the journal in my arms a little tighter, trying to hold myself together... for just a little while longer. I memorized the warmth his eyes held for me, knowing I'd probably never seem them like that again. And then I had to glance away, unable to bear that green gaze boring into me for a single second longer.

"Will you sit the fuck down," Edward said stoically. "You're driving me nuts."

I shook my head once. "Can't. Might cry."

Over Charlie, even though I knew Carlisle was working to make him better. Over the man likely staring at me in confusion. Over the friends I'd made since I got here. Over… _everything_.

"You cry a lot," he said casually. There was no hatred in the comment. It just was. I wanted to fall apart with that. We'd come such a long way from our beginning.

"I didn't always use to," I replied. "Just since..."

"Your surgery?"

I still couldn't look at him, because I was going to lie to him again. I'd cried some after the surgery, but not like I had since I'd come to live with Charlie. Guilt manifested itself in so many different ways.

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

I had a feeling that he wanted to say something more, but was interrupted by his family bursting through the doors. They rushed over to me, each one of them talking a mile a minute and reaching out to touch me... hug me... something.

Oh, God.

My heart broke a little right then and there.

I stared up at Edward questioningly, prompting him to drag a hand through his hair with a sheepish expression. Then he shrugged. "I called them when you were looking for a vending machine earlier."

And there it was again. The guilt wrapped up in the urge to cry. These people had no idea who I really was, how... awful I was.

But I couldn't really expect myself to have any other kind of reaction, given the circumstances. Deceit, in any form, was not in my blood. I'd naively thought I would just come to Forks, drop the information on Maggie's brother, and be done. I never once thought that  _this_  was waiting for me.

And I was going to ruin it all.

"Thank you," I mouthed.

I wasn't sure what my face looked like, maybe sincere and absolute gratitude since that's what I felt toward him at that very second, but it made Edward blink a few times before he was finally able to nod back.

"What is it with you Swans and hearts?" Jasper murmured.

My head whipped around just in time to catch the smirk on his face, instantly breaking up my somber mood.

I put my hand up to my mouth in an effort to stifle my giggles. It didn't necessarily go as planned.

"Not sure, really," I managed in between laughs, not having the wits to come back with anything better.

Esme shot Jasper a look, and I grazed my hand over her forearm, smiling at her. Her brown eyes searched my face before she nodded, silently understanding that I'd needed that ridiculous comment to remind myself that it wasn't all really as bleak as my mind was trying to make it out to be. This was nothing compared to what my family had already been through.

We gathered in the corner of the room, all of the Cullens wanting to know exactly what had happened to Charlie... and how Edward ended up being at my house in the first place. I watched Edward tense in his seat, his jaw clenched anxiously, and searched for a lie. I had a feeling his family didn't know anything about his sleeping habits.

"I um... I called and asked him to come back." I blushed with the insinuation that would cause them to have.

Edward made a strangled sound next to me and shook his head forcefully. "Not like that. Jesus, Bella, give everyone the wrong fucking impression."

"Well, I didn't know what to say..." I trailed off with a meaningful look.

The entire family looked bewildered.

"I fell asleep," he said to them. "It was just one of those things."

"Right place, right time," I murmured in agreement.

"I don't know about that," he objected.

"I do. You saved-"

His hand coming up to cover my mouth muffled the rest of the sentence I'd been trying to say. His green eyes were hard, filled with anger. "If you know what's good for you, you'll shut up, Bella. I'm not telling you again: I didn't do anything you wouldn't have already done without me there."

I blinked once and tried to figure out why he was adamant about it all. I hadn't been able to think straight when Charlie came stumbling through the door. My ability to act quickly without Edward around seemed... nonexistent. I wasn't sure that I would have been able to do anything except flap my arms around and cry, so I sat there defiantly, thinking very seriously about licking the palm of his hand so he'd let me go. Might as well keep up with this childish behavior and all.

Esme cleared her throat, prompting Edward to drop his hand. "So how long does your father say the surgery will take?"

I turned around to focus on something else. I'd already heard everything from Carlisle earlier, and wasn't interested in repeating the torture of listening to all the things going on inside Charlie's body right now, the torture of knowing exactly how my parents felt each and every time I went under the knife. I was anxious and scared with something Carlisle swore was mild and easily taken care of. I couldn't imagine how Charlie, Renee, Phil, and Alice all felt when I'd gone into the OR for my transplant, unsure if Maggie's heart would take or not and wondering if the last time I'd spoken to them before I was put under would truly be the last time ever.

I suddenly needed to call my mother.

I quietly excused myself, ignoring Edward's curious eyes and made my way to a little conference room down the hall to talk in private... break down in private.

And idly wondered how many people had been told they'd lost someone in this room. If Maggie's parents had been dragged into a place like this or just told right in the hall for everyone to see...

"Bella!" Renee exclaimed, yanking me from that horrible train of thought. "How are you, baby?"

I nearly choked on hot, thick tears with the sound of her voice. My mother may have driven me crazy at times, but there was no denying how much I missed her now. I'd been so busy with Edward and this insane plan of mine that I had barely spoken a word to her since I'd left Phoenix, giving her just a vague description of my life through e-mails with the thought that it was sufficient contact. Only it wasn't. Not in the least.

Add  _horrible daughter_  to the list of things Bella Swan was these days.

"Dad had a heart attack," I said through my sobs.

Silence.

"Mom?"

And then a sniffle. "Is he...? Is he...?"

"He's in surgery," I said, wiping at my face. "Dr. Cullen-"

"Your Dr. Cullen?"

"Yeah. He's operating on him now. He says he'll be fine."

"What... How did this happen?"

"Single life? Diner food? I don't know," I answered meekly. The truth was that Charlie was young and still in decent shape. There was no heart disease in the Swan family, other than my fluke of genetics. He might have eaten out a lot, but there was no specific reason that we could blame this on.

Except maybe as a way for fate to punish my lying ass. Karma's a bitch, as they say.

"No, I mean, what happened?" she clarified. "And what are they going to do to fix it?"

"Oh. Um... stints. Two." There was no need to explain further. Not with my family's cardio wing experience. "And he's going to have to start living like me... But I was already trying to get him to."

"How was that going?"

"With martyrdom," I replied, letting a wry smile curve my lips.

She let out a laugh with that. "Do you need Phil and me there for anything? I know you have this big idea of finding independence up there and everything, but..."

I almost laughed. She thought I came here to find independence. If only she knew of Edward and Maggie's connection... Or how he made me feel.

She'd never understand.

"No, I think I can handle it," I answered. "I want to."

She sighed. "Well, the offer still stands. I miss you, Bella. It's so quiet around here."

"Like I was ever there to make noise in the first place," I shot back teasingly.

"That's not what I mean. I literally have nothing to do anymore."

"Go travel with Phil," I suggested, abruptly thinking of a way to tie my mother's love for travel in with my stepfather's love for baseball. "Take him to as many different baseball games in as many different stadiums as possible. You guys would have fun."

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," she mused.

I let her think on it for a little bit before speaking again. "I need to go... wait. I'll keep you posted, though."

"Call me when he wakes up."

"Okay. And Mom? Tell Phil I now know why he likes that sport so much."

"What, baseball?"

"Yeah. The owner of the garage I work for and his family took me out to some batting cages last night. It was awesome."

"Did you manage to hit one?"

"Multiple balls, Mom. I hit multiple ones."

"Oh, I wish I could have seen that," she said wistfully.

"Me too." Her overenthusiasm would have been... hilarious, at best.

I told her goodbye and slipped the phone into my pocket. I ran my hands over my cheeks to get rid of the lingering dampness there, but I knew my puffy eyes would still give away what happened inside this room. I did it regardless.

I opened the door, staring down at the floor and nearly running into Edward in the process. He fumbled with his hands for a moment, and then dropped them down to his side, like he didn't know what to do with me.

I took one of his hands and stared at it, seeing the grease buried under his nails and in his cuticles, and traced over the calluses on his palm. I loved his hands. They'd seen so much. I tucked the journal against me and, one arm at a time, brought them up to wrap around my waist. He gripped onto the fabric of my shirt as I pressed my ear against his chest, and with a sigh, I closed my eyes when I heard the erratic beat of his heart.

"Why are you nervous?" I mumbled.

"This is… I mean… Fuck, I don't know what to do for you."

"I know," I said, comforted by his stumbled words. It meant he was trying. "This is enough."

We were quiet for a while.

"Your family is amazing," I told him, moving so that I could stare up at him.

He swallowed hard. "Yeah."

_You're amazing_ , I thought to myself. But I didn't dare speak the words.

He held me tighter against him.

We went back out to the waiting room to sit with Edward's family again. It was late enough in the morning now that I could start calling some of Charlie's friends and let them know what happened, although, waiting for the appropriate hour had just been an excuse. I'd been dreading these conversations.

Billy was first, and with it came a promise that he and Jake would be up as soon as possible to see him. Charlie's fishing buddy, Harry Clearwater, was next, followed by the other families on the reservation I knew my father was close with. Then came the station and the diner, and with those I decided I was done. News traveled fast in small towns, and it was just a matter of hours before everyone knew of the chief's surgery.

I wanted to climb back in bed and close my eyes, escape in the darkness of sleep. But that wasn't happening any time soon. I was all Charlie had here in this town. If I hadn't been there, Edward wouldn't have been there. And then…

I rubbed at my chest, trying to push away the pain. Fate brought me here. For reasons that were so much bigger than just Maggie's existence.

A warm hand came up to cover my own. I glanced up to see Rosalie's concerned face.

"You okay?" she asked softly.

"No, I…" I trailed off, not knowing where to begin. "Rosalie, I…"

I was so close to telling her about Edward's connection to Maggie, if for nothing more than to have it out there in the open and not imprisoned inside me anymore, but Carlisle came sweeping into the room, pulling his cap off of his head and running his hand through his hair to tame it slightly. He scanned the room for us and let a wide smile cross his face as soon as he found us all hovered together.

Edward was at my side immediately, and so was a wave of guilt to go with it.

I was so tired of feeling guilty.

"Charlie did great," Carlisle said, walking over to where Esme stood and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. "He'll be awake in no time."

My breath came out in a rush of relief. "Oh, thank God. When can I see him?"

"You can go in now, if you'd like. I just want to run over everything with you first."

"Okay."

I didn't tune out any part of what Carlisle told me like I did when it came to my own health. I wanted to know everything that happened with Charlie and what we could do to prevent it from happening again, especially after I went to school in the fall. I planned to come back as frequently as possible, but I was realistic enough to know that "as possible" did not always mean anything other than during holiday breaks.

But that was just the concern I let rise to the surface. The truth was that it went deeper than that. I was probably going to lose one person I cared about soon.

And I couldn't afford to lose any more.

* * *

"You need to get out."

I blinked up at Rosalie in confusion, wondering when she'd gotten here. I'd been so engrossed in my book that I hadn't realized anyone else walked in the room. Then again, I was kind of blocking everyone out…

"What?"

"Out. Of here. This room. This hospital," she elaborated. "Come on. We're doing that whole softball thing in an hour. Let's get you changed and head over there."

"I don't think I should…"

She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. "Oh, really? You think Charlie will miss you for a few hours when he has all of these other people to keep him company?"

I glanced around the room, realizing I'd kind of been shoved in the corner as the visitors swarmed in. I couldn't even see Charlie with all the people hovered around him.

"Probably not," I muttered.

"Edward's already there with Emmett." She grinned as if she knew this would entice me.

I rolled my eyes. "Let me just tell my dad where I'll be."

She nodded and slipped out into the hall.

I explained what was going on to Charlie and was met with a very satisfied grin. Apparently, getting involved in some kind of sport was just another way that proved Charlie right; my life  _was_  better after the transplant. Getting on a ball field and attempting to even stand in the outfield wouldn't have been an option before. Now I could play.

I hoped I could, anyway.

I didn't say much to Rosalie on the way to my house, mostly because I was just too tired to really come up with any kind of icebreaker. Not that we really needed it. It was nice to have someone other than Alice to simply sit with. Another friend.

One who'd also probably hate me in the near future, but I'd take what I could get now. Not like I really had a choice…

"You look like you're thinking awfully hard there, Bella," she laughed as she pulled into the driveway.

"Oh, um, yeah. Just realizing that I have friends here," I said with a blush.

She gave me an odd look. "Of course you do. Why the hell wouldn't you?"

"Uh… I never really did before." The blush got hotter.

"Really? I'm shocked. You're… you're really easy to get along with."

"Thanks. You too. But yeah, no friends back in Phoenix except for Alice. With everything going on, I never really got a chance to have a social life."

"No boyfriends?"

"Nope. None."

"Not even some lame prom date?"

"Alice was my prom date," I answered. "In the hospital."

She looked horrified. "I'm so sorry."

I giggled, oddly reassured by her reaction. Maybe I hadn't been such a freak. More like a victim of circumstance. "It's okay. Really. Alice made the night fun."

"I think I'd like to meet Alice."

"I'm sure you will. She's coming to school up here." Rosalie's brow quirked. "She didn't want me to be alone."

"Except you're not anymore, are you?"

"No… I guess I'm not," I said awkwardly.

I hurried to get out of the car so that I didn't have to say any more on the subject. I unlocked the door and let Rosalie inside, following just behind her. It was the first time I'd been home since Charlie's attack, and everything was incredibly silent. No noise coming from the television. No clattering in the kitchen. No whistling from Charlie as he cleaned his gun or worked on a few fishing lures.

I'd grown accustomed to seeing all of Charlie's little idiosyncrasies. And couldn't wait to have him back home doing them again.

I threw on a pair of black yoga pants, a tank top, and my Nikes, and then grabbed a long sleeved shirt out of my closet just as I rushed back down to where Rosalie was waiting for me. Just in case. I wasn't exactly used to the mild weather in Forks yet.

"I don't have a glove," I muttered.

She smiled. "It's okay. We have extras. Edward says you bat left-handed?"

"Yeah. I don't know about catching or throwing, though."

"Well, we'll let you practice both. See what feels better."

I nodded once.

Sam Uley and the three Cullen boys were already out on the field by the time Rosalie and I got there, throwing a ball between the four of them in some sort of well-rehearsed pattern. Jasper threw the ball at Edward, waving his glove at us in greeting as the ball was thrown over to Emmett.

Edward turned to face me, his jaw dropping slightly before he snapped his teeth together and glanced away. I had no idea what to think of that.

"Bella," Emmett called out. "Catch!"

He hurled a glove at me, fully expecting me to be able to catch it without a second thought, like everyone else around here. I took a few steps and put out my hands, fumbling with it before finally grasping it against my chest.

"A little warning would be nice," I yelled at him.

He grinned widely. "Then we wouldn't know what you're made of."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Get over here, you two," Jasper drawled. "We're losing daylight."

I waited for Rosalie's cue, and then followed her out to the outfield where the guys were all gathered. They silently paired up, leaving Edward to stand there with me on the outskirts of the group.

"Yoga pants," he growled. "How the hell am I going to concentrate when she's wearing yoga pants?"

I barked out a dubious laugh. "You like yoga pants?"

He practically glowered at me. "Yeah. I like them. Thank fuck you didn't wear the blue ones again."

My eyes widened comically. "Are you… Are you being serious right now?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" he returned.

"You just… The last time I wore those you were an asshole," I said. "I assumed…"

"What?"

"I assumed you thought I was ugly."

He tensed. "Never. Not in a million years. I'm pretty sure I've already covered all of this with you, Bella, and I'm not interested in repeating it."

I knew better than to assume anything from Edward's actions now. So it was a moot point. "All right, I hear you. I'm being stupid. Now throw. Let's see how shitty I am at this."

I pulled the glove up my hand a little further, and then flexed, unsure if I had the damned thing on right or not.

"Wait, is this right?"

Edward chuckled a little, and it made me want to keep acting like a total moron just to hear it again. "Yeah. It's right. Ready?"

"No."

More laughter. Without even trying. I felt like preening right there in front of everyone. I made Edward Cullen laugh.  _Again._

"I'm throwing it anyway," he warned.

"Okay…"

It wasn't exactly a throw at all, more like a toss. It was slow and arced up into the air gracefully. I kept my eyes trained on it, really not interested in looking like the klutz I'd always been known to be in front of this man. And miraculously, it landed right in the center of my glove…

I narrowed my eyes. "You did that on purpose."

He gave me an innocent look, one I found entirely too adorable. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't bullshit me," I snapped. "Throw it like you mean it."

His lips twitched a little, and he relented. "All right, all right. Throw it here. I won't baby you again."

"I can't believe you did that," I complained as I launched the ball at him.

"Neither can I," he admitted. He seemed a little perplexed with himself.

He caught the ball effortlessly, and with a quick snap of his wrist, threw it right back at me. I missed it and cursed as I chased after it. I returned it to him, this time making sure I was ready for the fast ball that was bound to come back to me. It hit my glove, and then bounced right out onto the ground.

"Shit," I muttered, feeling a blush creep up into my face.

"Bella," Edward taunted, opening and shutting his gloved hand. "You're supposed to hold onto it."

"Fuck you."

His brow arched up with that.

"You're in a really good mood," I stated, throwing the ball at him again.

He shrugged. "I like to play."

"So anytime I want to see a smile on your face, I just bring you out here to play?"

"No… not really." He shot the ball back at me. This time I caught it.

"Ha!" I cried triumphantly.

"I think it's just you," he said, watching me wriggle my ass around in glee. I immediately stilled when his eyes darkened, every inch of me longing for his touch. They shot up to mine, and it was like no one else was around.

I was pretty sure a little whimper came out of me.

He swallowed thickly before continuing. "I like being here with you. Watching you learn is… fascinating."

I inhaled. Tried to get my bearings. Wiped the sweat from my palm onto my thigh. "Oh."

"I don't mean in a bad way. It's just… I don't know. Being a part of some new experience for you is… I can't fucking explain it. But I felt it at the waterfall, too."

So I didn't try to make him.

We were quiet for a while, the ball being thrown between us the only sound coming from our area. The others were laughing and talking while they warmed up, but Edward and I were content to simply be.

He cleared his throat and chewed on his cheek, a habit I was learning to mean he was nervous about something. So I continued to watch him, waiting for him to finally say what was on his mind.

"I think… I mean, this is where I'm supposed to ask you how you and your dad are doing."

Not a question, a statement. I smiled. "You're being coached?"

"No. Well, yes. Esme wanted to make sure that I didn't fuck up, I guess," he mumbled.

"Trust me. You're not fucking up."

He glanced up from his hands, surprise written all over his features. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You were… perfect at the hospital."

He scoffed.

"I'm serious. Having you there was an excellent distraction." Not to mention completely sobering. I'd come as far I as I could with him, at least, until I told Edward about Maggie. After that, it was left to chance.

My heart hurt thinking about it again.

He froze and gave me a strange look. "What the fuck just happened?"

I cleared my throat and tried to rearrange my expression into a smile. He relaxed a little, so obviously it was soothing enough. "I'm just tired."

"I can…" He ran his hand through his hair. "I can take you to the chief if you're worried…"

"No, no. It's nothing like that." More smiling. "Just throw. I'm fine"

He continued to give me a skeptical look, but relented. He shot the ball at me, and even in my distracted state, I managed to catch it.

Score for Bella.

As I paid closer attention to the way we interacted with each other now, I knew he'd listen to me when I told him. He'd hate me, but he'd hear me out. I just needed to figure out the best way to do it.

I cast a look over at Rosalie's car, where my journal sat inside the bag in the front seat, and thought that maybe I already knew how. Talking had never really been my strong point.

But  _writing_  about everything...

Well, it might be my best shot at keeping him in my life.


	12. Chapter 12

**I love you all for the reviews, adds, and all the crazy talk/rec's. I was serious last update when I said I wanted to do something inappropriate like grabbing and hugging each and every one of you. JS**

**Thank you to my awesome beta, Stratan, for being your usual awesome self and making me feel ok about this chapter (without even knowing you did it). I was really fucking nervous about it, dude. You have no idea.**

**Thank you to stephk0525 and claireoth for pre-reading. I miss you guys. Stupid RL...**

* * *

Chapter 12

**Edward**

"There's... There's this girl," I started, bringing up a hand to pull at my hair. I'd looked out the window for over thirty minutes, just trying to figure out where to begin; there was so damned much to sort through.

Seattle was dreary and unseasonably cool today. Fog hung heavy in the air and limited the visibility from the high rise my new therapist's office was in. Not that I'd expected anything more, really. God forbid the weather be nice for my trip here. Instead, it matched my mood perfectly. Gray and surly and plain pissed off. I fucking hated that I was here, that I needed this. But I wasn't stupid enough to ditch the appointment and stay back home in Forks. I couldn't keep up with everything on my own. Not anymore.

And Bella… There was a reason why I was so relaxed around her, why I was happy with her when no one else—other than my family, and even that was limited—had ever managed to make me feel that way. I'd pushed girls away for so long now, uninterested in any of them, until Bella. With Bella, there was no indifference, no disgust with myself when I touched her. I wanted her... needed her.

So it seemed fitting that she was where I would begin.

"Oh?" I heard Dr. Banner's pen scratching against the paper and closed my eyes. I hated that sound, too, and how it typically meant someone was analyzing my every word and movement. "How long have you known her?"

"A month."

Silence. He wanted me to elaborate on my own.

"She moved back in with her father, and is going to UW in the fall."

Rustling of paper. "That's where you go, isn't it? You start med school in August?"

I swallowed hard. "Yeah. I'd eventually like to be a cardiothoracic surgeon."

"So tell me about this girl," he instructed, getting back to the original topic. Which was good since I wasn't entirely ready to talk about my stay in the hospital. It was too closely connected to the reason I was homeless and shot to begin with.

"Uh…" I cleared my throat. "At first, I wanted to hate her. I  _did_  hate her."

"What for?"

"Nothing... Everything. The second I met her, I started-" I broke off before I forced myself to keep going. I wasn't going to be anything at all if I couldn't work past this. "I started dreaming more, thinking more."

"Of your past."

I tore my eyes away from the cars driving on the street below and glanced at him. "Yeah. About my biological mother, stuff I did or was made to do when- I don't know if it's because of her..." I shook my head. "No, it is. She makes me feel... That's just it. I didn't realize it until now, but I've been dead for such a long time. She makes me feel again."

His dark eyes brightened with curiosity at my little epiphany.

Well, join the motherfucking club.

"Things I haven't felt in a long time, some I've never felt before. I don't know what it is about her, but... she makes me want to try to fix all my bullshit. And I'm scared that I can't. That I'll always be this..." I waved my hands around in an effort to find the words. When I couldn't I dropped them to my side. "I don't know."

"You only want to be better for her?"

"I didn't care enough before her," I hedged.

"That's not exactly healthy, Edward," he said mildly.

I glared at him. His eyes never left mine, calm and nonchalant, almost as if he knew what I was doing. And fuck, of course he did. He was a highly recommended colleague of my father's, and probably knew every way I would try to deflect certain questions.

I needed a goddamned cigarette. Or maybe Bella. This kind of shit made me feel uncomfortable, at best. Nervous. Angry. Fucking pathetic.

"You don't think I know that?" I snapped at him. "I want to deserve her, what she gives me. I want... She's the first girl I've really ever kissed without... The first girl I've genuinely been attracted to since I was learning firsthand what a fucking hard on was."

Unaffected by my reaction, he reached up and adjusted his red tie. "And?"

"And... Fuck, I don't know," I said again. "I'm going to fuck her up. Just like everyone in my family fucks the people they love up." Myself included.

He flipped through my file and mumbled some sort of unintelligible acknowledgement. "You aren't them."

"That's what she says."

"Well, maybe you should listen to her."

"Maybe."

I walked over to the bookshelf and perused the titles. Jesus, they looked boring as fuck. It was official: psych was definitely not my field of interest. Although, I was in no position to tell anyone how to live their lives anyway. Could you imagine? The man who couldn't stand to touch people trying to advise clients on how to deal with their shit?

Comical, really.

"I keep thinking that if I let her in and see more of me-"

"More?"

"She knows things even my family doesn't. It's like I can't stop myself from telling her shit sometimes."

"Telling her things about yourself doesn't change how she thinks of you," he commented knowingly.

Fucker.

"No, she accepts it all."  _So far._

"So then back to what you were saying before. If you give her more of yourself..."

"One day she'll see how worthless I really am."

More scribbling.

"You're not worthless," he murmured. "You have a lot to offer someone."

"On paper," I scoffed.

"Not only on paper. You have a lot of great attributes, Edward. You're loyal, protective, kind, caring, intelligent… We just need to get you to realize it."

I didn't reply. I couldn't. The desire to argue that point was too strong. Even if I were any of those things, the bad parts of me far outweighed the good. So I simply gritted my teeth together and stood there.

Because I refused to sit in that fucking chair.

"She sees them, doesn't she?" he asked after a while.

"What?"

"The girl... What's her name, by the way?"

"Bella," I sighed, watching him make note of it. "And yes, she's beautiful, just like her name suggests. My dick has severe behavioral issues around her."

That earned a chuckle. I blinked in surprise. This guy... He didn't treat me like all of the others did, like a science project. He prodded me, yes, but it wasn't like he demanded I answer him. I probably could have stood here the entire session, and he wouldn't have uttered a complaint. It was weird. Kind of nice.

Maybe weekly sessions with him wouldn't be so bad.

"Is that so?"

"Unfortunately."

"Bella sees the good in you, doesn't she?"

"Well, she's not running away screaming in the night," I mumbled dryly. "I mean, it's the opposite, really. I treat her like shit, but she always forgives me. I don't get it."

He wrote that down. I wasn't sure why. "Maybe she forgives you because she understands that this is new for you, and that you're learning. I suspect she's learning some, too."

I dragged my hands through my hair again and snorted. "To say the least."

"How do you mean?"

"She uh, she has health issues," I answered vaguely. I wasn't about to share Bella's past with this man. "She didn't get out much."

"I see. Do you love her? Or think that maybe she loves you?"

My eyes went wide.  _Holy-_

"I told you, it's only been a month, damn it."

"It's been known to happen in less time for some people."

"I uh, I mean… I don't… I um…" I couldn't form a sentence anymore, couldn't breathe.

Love wasn't meant for people like me. I'd done nothing in my life to deserve it, and had no idea how to reciprocate that emotion fully. I couldn't stand thinking that Bella would fall for some piece of shit like me, when there were so many other normal guys out there for her instead.

But I couldn't stand the thought of her with anyone else, either. Trying to envision her walking through the streets of Forks with some faceless man…  _hurt_. I wanted to be the one walking with her. Always. And I didn't know exactly what that meant.

"Let me rephrase that," he said, seeing my obvious distress at his question. "Do you think you  _could_ love her?"

"No, I mean... I don't know how. I look at my parents and get fucking confused. No matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my head around some of the shit they do and why. And I… I shouldn't. I'm not… I don't- Fuck, what I mean is-" My hands involuntarily ran over my arms, fingers scratched at my jaw.

Dr. Banner watched my reaction closely for a moment, and then held his hand up to gain my attention again. "So what do you want to get out of these sessions?"

I exhaled loudly. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I was a little sweaty. Christ, I'd panicked. Allowing myself to think of Bella feeling that way toward me had me instinctively wanting to drive her away again.

But that contradicted the fact that I wanted to be with her.

Yeah, I was definitely fucked up.

"Uh, normality?" I answered, cocking my brow at the dumbass. "To not act like this?"

"That's unattainable."

What the fuck? "Why's that?"

"Normal is purely subjective."

I grumbled a little.

"It's whatever you feel healthiest at," he continued. "And I think that, with time, we can get you there."

"What makes you so sure?" I shot back skeptically.

"You're willing now. Before, you weren't."

I merely nodded. There was no denying the truth in that.

"I'm going to need you to tell me every reason why you think you're 'fucked up'. Details. Recounts. Everything, Edward."

My stomach lurched. There was no way I was saying some of this out loud to a stranger. Not yet. "Look it up in my file," I said through my teeth.

He shook his head. "No. I need you to admit it." He reached over and pulled an empty pad of paper and a pen off of his desk. "If you can't say it, write it."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," he confirmed, glancing up at the clock. "Writing can be therapeutic."

I thought of the journal Bella kept plastered against her chest. How happy she was, for the most part. She sure as hell was in a better place than I was.

Maybe Dr. Banner was on to something.

"You have fifteen minutes before your session ends. I suggest you get to it."

I grudgingly fell into the chair and took the pen and paper from him. I nearly put the pen in my mouth to chew on it anxiously while I gathered my thoughts, and then I remembered that it wasn't my pen and I didn't know how many other people had put their hands on it.

My lip curled in disgust.

So I simply took a steadying breath and started listing off everything in my life that made me less than desirable to the opposite sex. The list was long, and my hand shook as I ticked off things about my absent father, Elizabeth and my life with her: her drug use, the neglect, the…

I swallowed down the bile that rose in my throat. I had nothing left to share but one thing, the one thing I'd blocked out for so long.

The day Elizabeth Masen had sent me to work for Aro Grayson to pay off a debt, changing the locks on me as soon as I was out of sight. The reason I was shot those few months later. The things I did, what I kept from Bella—from everyone—because it was… I was…

"Edward, you're hyperventilating. Calm down."

I gasped for breath, and blindly wrote it all on that sheet of paper. The second I was finished, I threw the notebook at Dr. Banner and stood up to pace the room.

The room seemed fucking tiny, like it was closing in on me with every pass across the floor I made. I felt trapped, surrounded by memories of everything I'd buried down so deep and refused to deal with.

I was going to be sick. I could feel it churning in the pit of my stomach. I tried to remind myself of where I was now, who I was now. I wasn't that naïve kid anymore. I didn't stare out a broken window wondering when Elizabeth would finally come save me. I wasn't forced to push drugs. To find ways to survive. To… to…

"Bathroom," I ground out.

"Down the hall and to the right."

I gave Dr. Banner a terse nod and darted out of the room, shoving past the receptionist and barreling into the bathroom just a few steps away. I stood there and stared down at the toilet, wanting to grip onto its bowl so tightly that my knuckles turned white, that it hurt. Physical pain would be a distraction from-

_Breathe._

I closed my eyes and tried to do just that. In. Out. In. Out. Over and over again until I could open my eyes and focus on my surroundings again. My vision was blurry, and I swayed a little as I went to the sink. I splashed cold water on my face, unable to look at my reflection in the mirror for fear of _truly_  getting sick, and then scrubbed my hands clean before I stumbled my way back out of the bathroom. It was all I could do. I couldn't erase a thing. Not with a shower, not with all the soap in the world. This was me, infected with filth. Broken from others' cruelty.

I was a fool to think I could ever be anything more for Bella.

Dr. Banner was waiting in the hall for me. "Edward, I didn't realize you weren't-"

"I didn't throw up. An improvement," I mumbled. I shoved my hands through my hair and drew in a loud breath. "I'm going to go home now."

"I think you should stick around for a while. I'm not sure you should drive like this," he argued.

"No, I need to go the fuck home," I said angrily. I needed the reassurance of my family, to see their faces and know that I wasn't stuck in that nightmare anymore.

He held up his hands in surrender with the look on my face. "Okay. If you think it's best. Just drive safely. You have my number if you need it."

"Yeah." I strode toward the door, very nearly ready to beat through the fucker to get some fresh air. "Same time next week?" I called out over my shoulder.

His jaw slackened slightly. "Uh, yeah. Yes, that would be good. I'll have Karen put you on the schedule."

I nodded once and pushed open the door.

I was more determined to get over this shit than I ever was before. If it was the last thing I did I would not let that bastard affect me anymore. I'd learn to be a decent human being for Carlisle. Esme. Jasper. Rose. Emmett…

And maybe, finally, even myself.

* * *

"What the hell kind of pizza is that?" Emmett questioned, looking down at the small pizza Bella had ordered for herself as the waitress placed it in front of her.

"What I ordered… Veggie on thin crust." Emmett gave her a look. "What? I like it. It's good."

"It's... a cracker," he replied, horrified. "A cracker with  _cheese_."

"It is not," she argued, rolling her eyes. "Besides, it's better than all that grease you have on yours." She snatched a napkin out of the dispenser and blotted a piece of Emmett's pizza, holding it up with a triumphant grin when an orange circle formed on it. "See?"

"Really?" He cocked his brow in challenge. "That tasteless cardboard is better than this?"

She looked like she wanted to object, but let out a little pout instead. Jesus, the sound went straight to my-

"No," she said longingly. "I miss regular pizza. So fucking much..."

I almost spit out my water with that. It sounded exactly like it had when she'd dreamed it.

She gave me a strange look. "What's with you?"

"Nothing. It's nothing." I coughed and cleared my throat. "You can technically still have pizza, Bella."

"Yeah, in moderation, I know," she answered. "I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want anything... I can't risk..."

"Hey, I get it." She looked at me hopefully. "You of all people should know why I fucking get it."

She smiled and nodded.

Emmett grabbed the pitcher of beer and poured a glass for Rosalie and himself, glancing over at Bella. "I'd offer you some, but you're still just a baby."

She laughed. "I don't think I'd like it anyway. Not if its smell is any indication."

"You have no idea what you're saying," he said, flashing Bella a dimpled grin. "So stop talking, Liberty."

She dropped her pizza on her plate with a huff. "There's that Liberty Bell reference again. Are you ever going to tell me what it's about?"

The slice of pizza Emmett had in his hands stopped mid-air, and his eyes shifted to mine. I arched my brow at him and waited, even though it practically killed me.

_Come on, fucker. Tell me why you keep calling her that._

He lowered the hand holding the pizza and nodded once. "Fine, fine. It's because of him."

I realized abruptly he was pointing at me. "What the fuck? Me? Why?"

"Don't act so surprised. You think we don't all see the change in you since she got here? You're... shit, man, you're slowly starting to enjoy yourself a little. Letting yourself out of that damned prison of yours. Hence 'Liberty'. 'Bell' just because she's Bella, and it's the name of a national monument, so it already sounds good."

Bella and I sat there completely speechless, neither of us able to look at anything other than Emmett. I had no idea what was going through Bella's head, and I didn't think I wanted to. I could almost guarantee she was blushing next to me, and that made me...

Hard. Fuck. What was wrong with me today?

I knew everyone was aware that I liked her, but I was sure I hadn't let anyone see how she was...  _changing_  me. Only they'd all seen it from the very beginning. Every last one of them. Even my mother.

I felt like a fucking dumbass now for even trying.

"It's stupid, I know," he continued, oblivious to what was going through my head. "But whatever. It slipped out and now you know why. I can't help but think of her that way."

"I like it," Jasper said through a mouthful of pizza. "It describes what I was trying to tell her a couple of weeks ago."

Motherfucker... I fought back the urge to drive my fist through his mouth. "Why the fuck are you talking to Bella like that?" I demanded loud enough that Bella flinched.

Jasper stopped chewing. "Because you're my brother," he said slowly, "and you like her. That right there means I have to try to get to know her. Even if I didn't like her. Which I do."

I sat there stupidly again.

"She's awesome. You have great taste. Yada, yada, yada... Can we move on now?" he asked, his lips quirking.

"Ah..." Another throat clear. Jasper approved. They all approved. It made the fact that I was sort of  _with_ Bella so much... realer.

Holy shit.

"Yeah," I croaked.

"Here. You look like you could use this," Emmett laughed and poured beer into the last empty glass.

I stared down at it and shook my head. "No, it's... I-" I'd had enough beer when Bella first arrived to last me years. And with everything going through my mind right now... It wasn't worth it. "I have water."

But fuck, it sounded good. Pizza and beer... I glanced around the room and saw a lot of other people eating and drinking just that. It was one more piece of normal I'd never have, and I fucking despised Elizabeth a little more for it.

"Edward, it's just a beer," Bella reminded me gently. "It doesn't mean anything unless you let it."

I glared at her. "You know I hate it when you do that," I growled. But I wasn't really angry. Not this time. To be honest, I was beginning to realize how much I enjoyed the fact that she could read me that way.

"You'll get over it," she teased. "Now drink."

She leaned forward and stared at me expectantly. She wasn't letting it go until I  _actually_  took a drink.

I huffed, "All right, fine. I will drink this beer if you eat a piece of Emmett's greasy pizza."

She pushed away from me slightly. "What?"

"You heard me, Bella. Pizza for beer. Deal?"

She pursed her lips unhappily. "I didn't think that through, did I?"

"Not at all."

"Damn."

"You want me to get over my shit then you're going to have to get over yours too." I grabbed the beer and held it up. "Ready when you are."

She grumbled and picked up a slice, glowering at me the entire time. "Happy?"

I shrugged. I actually was, because it meant I didn't have to take the plunge alone.

Not that I'd tell any of them that.

She looked at the slice for a while before finally sliding the pizza in her mouth and taking a large bite. "Holy fuck, this is good," she moaned, her eyes rolling back as she chewed.

Unthinkingly, I let one side of my lips curve up with her reaction, and then took a sip of my beer. If I hadn't trained myself to keep my emotions in check, I might've done the same thing. It was cold and smooth, tasting completely different without all the negative emotions affecting it.

I'd been missing out. For so long.

"There, see!" Emmett bellowed. A few people at the tables surrounding us jumped in surprise. "Exactly what we were talking about."

I took another pull from my glass and swallowed hastily. "What is?"

I didn't get an answer.

My eyes darted back over to my family, catching every last one of their smirks, and a flush crept up into my cheeks.

My smile. Busted.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, feeling my face heat further.

"Look how cute he is when he's embarrassed." Emmett reached out and pinched my cheek just to deliberately annoy me some more.

I immediately shoved his hand away with a growl, expecting that residual panic to swell inside me at any given second. "Get off me, you ass."

Only it didn't. And I never had time to think about it because I was too busy listening to my siblings give me hell.

Rosalie leaned forward, grinning widely. "You're cute when you smile. No wonder Bella likes you."

Jasper was next, waggling his eyebrows and making some kind of comment under his breath to Bella.

She giggled, the traitor.

"Fuck you," I snarled, pushing my plate away from me and very nearly toppling my chair over as I got up. "All of you."

"Well, it was good while it lasted," Jasper sighed.

I turned to head outside, only to stop when Bella's small hand was suddenly clasped around my wrist.

I glanced down at her with a scowl.

"Don't make me call you out in front of all these people."

I stiffened and glared down at her, thinking seriously about yanking my arm away from her. But I didn't want to hurt her, so I stayed still.

"You're being ridiculous." She pulled at my arm. "Sit down and get over yourself. They're just teasing you."

I opened my mouth to argue with her, but abruptly stopped myself and plopped back into the chair with an exhale that showed just how annoyed I was. She was probably right. She was always right.

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared down at the wooden table. I was being a petulant son of a bitch, but I didn't care.

Jasper leaned back in his chair and stretched. "So, Bella, when's Charlie going home?"

Bella reached over again, this time letting her hand rest on my forearm, not looking at me... not saying a word.

I managed to relax a little because of it.

"Tomorrow. I um..." She looked so uncomfortable all of a sudden. "I may need some time to-"

Emmett stopped her. "Take whatever you need. Maybe come in for a couple hours every day just to make sure the place doesn't fall apart while you're gone again, but spend most of your time getting Charlie settled."

"Really?" She asked, her eyes wide. "I mean, you're sure?"

"Yeah. Eddie can help out in your absence."

I growled under my breath. No way was I getting roped into all that paperwork.

"Nah, I've got it," Jasper said before I could protest. "I'm not doing much next week anyway."

Bella seemed close to tears. Shit, I could not stand it when she cried. It made my chest tighten uncomfortably, and I had no fucking idea how to make the situation better for either of us.

Another reason I should just let her go.

"Thank you, guys. Really. I don't... I need... Shit," she laughed. "I can't talk."

"She's all choked up," Rosalie joked. "How sweet."

Bella flipped her off, making the whole table laugh. Except for me. I watched everything from the outside in confusion, wondering when it was exactly that this girl had managed to become one of us.

We all eventually finished eating and headed out in different directions. Emmett and Rosalie went to their apartment, Jasper had planned to run a few errands in Port Angeles before coming home, and I was taking Bella back to the hospital before going to the house myself.

The second Bella and I got into my Volvo, the air thickened. Bella shifted; the edge of her shirt rolled up to reveal a tiny sliver of skin, and my body instantly reacted. It took every ounce of self-control I had to keep my eyes on the road so that I didn't drive us straight into a building along the way.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I jumped a little with the sensation and hurriedly wrenched it out. I read the text message and sighed, glancing over at Bella a little reluctantly.

"I have to run home and get something for my dad. He um," I coughed ridiculously, like clearing the shit out of my throat would ever really help the situation in my jeans, "he needs a journal he left in his office."

She nodded once and stared out the window, squirming as some thought passed through her mind.

Fuck me.

Wrong choice of words. That only made me think harder about getting into this girl, which was then further perverted by my desperate mind. I wondered if this could be considered a form of torture, payback for all the shit I'd done as a teenager. I ached. I burned. I was suffocating in my need for her. Slowly dying by way of abstinence, because God help us if I actually laid my hands on her.

How fucked up was that.

The drive was brutally long, and I inwardly cursed my parents for needing so much land out in the middle of bum-fucked-nowhere Washington. By the time I pulled the Volvo into the garage, I was ready to run as far away as I could get, as fast as humanly possible. I was so out of sorts and rushed that I didn't see Bella get out and come with me into the house, didn't see how close she was when I remembered her presence and turned around to be somewhat hospitable.

So it was only expected that I slam into her and send her Diet Coke spraying out all over us and the kitchen floor.

I didn't say a word. I simply closed my eyes, inhaled deeply so I didn't scream obscenities at her, and started grabbing what I needed to clean it up. I spun around, Windex in hand, and was stopped by the look on Bella's face. She was entertained with me. Incredibly so. She was also soaked, distracting me from the anger that flared inside me. Brown liquid had drenched pieces of her hair and seeped into the fabric of her gray top, making it cling to her in a way that had me kissing her again. It always happened so quickly and unexpectedly. One second I was standing in front of her, pissed off over something I didn't understand, and the next my mouth was on hers. There was never any conscious thought of wanting it. I was simply driven to do it. Knowing I probably wouldn't see her much in the next couple of weeks thanks to the chief's heart attack didn't help matters either.

My hands found their way under her wet shirt—not to cop a feel, although, that was a huge part of what was going through my mind at that moment—to feel the line of her scar again. Nothing compared to that feeling, to know that she'd survived something so heavy. She was the personification of that hope I felt at times and was slowly giving me a reason to believe in it again.

And that eventually, I'd find my own acceptance.

She shivered against me, bringing me back to reality. "Let me get you something to change in," I murmured.

"But I'm not cold," she argued softly.

I blinked down at her as I turned that over in my head. It'd been me that had made her shiver. Not half a can of soda on her tits. My touch. My kiss.

Fuck, I liked that.

"I'm still getting something dry for you."

She rolled her eyes, but a smile played on her lips. I wiped up our mess, and then led her to my bedroom. Trepidation lanced through me as we walked through the door. I'd never had a girl in my bedroom before. The fact that it was Bella made things even more difficult. My eyes kept drifting over to the bed, envisioning scenes where she was spread out for me. Naked. Panting. Wet. Wanting.

A shirt, I reminded myself, rushing over to the chest of drawers. Seeing her in my clothes probably wasn't going to help much today, but it was the lesser of the evils.

And I'd take everything I could get right now.

I turned around to see her examining the wall of CDs and records I'd collected since I'd come to live with Carlisle and Esme. Her fingers dragged over their edges lightly as she walked closer to me.

"You weren't kidding about the music," she said lowly. Her eyes found mine, and the air left my lungs.

I sucked in a loud breath and ran my hand over my hair. "Uh, no. I- Here," I said, thrusting the t-shirt at her. "Bathroom's right there."

"Thanks." She made no attempt to change, and I thought I'd go mad trying not to openly stare at her chest.

"Do you play anything?"

"Not well…"

Her responding stare was disbelieving. "What exactly is it that you don't play well, Edward?"

I shifted awkwardly. "I picked up guitar a while back…But I play the piano, mostly."

Something flashed in her eyes. She looked a little sick with it. But before I could say anything, she had glanced back at the records. "So do you  _have_  a piano?"

"Downstairs, yeah." I paused, debating on whether or not I should continue. "I… I actually used to go into random music stores in Chicago and fiddle with the baby grands on the showroom floors. I taught myself how to play that way… I didn't think I'd ever own one."

"And now you do," she said thickly.

Something was off. "Bella-"

"The Beatles?" she asked suddenly.

I nodded. Then remembered she wasn't looking directly at me. I went to say something but caught her humming "I Am the Walrus" and stopped short. Her voice was beautiful.

"I like all the psychedelic stuff the best," she said, stopping the tune just long enough to speak.

"Oh, really?" I squeaked.

She smiled over at me and kept humming.

"Favorite album?" she finally asked.

"Uh, I'm… It's…" I shook my head. "It's fucking cliché."

"The White Album," she answered knowingly.

"Yeah."

"Don't worry. It's mine, too." She pulled it out and carefully ran her fingers over the cover. "I always wondered what getting high with that guru guy of theirs in India was like."

I coughed in surprise. How the hell did this girl know so much about… well, everything?

She answered my unspoken question, "I read a lot in the hospital. Anything I could get my hands on interested me. Even boring medical textbooks. I could probably recite my heart transplant step-by-step."

"Really?"

"But I don't want to. It makes everything…" She sighed heavily. "Anyway, I was always too chickenshit to try anything like that. And now I can't, so it doesn't really matter, does it?"

"You're not missing out on anything. Trust me," I muttered. I may have already admitted this to her, but I was still uncomfortable as hell talking about it.

She eyed me carefully, and then nodded, slipping the album back in place. "I'll go change."

She reached the bathroom door and spun around, opening her mouth a couple of times before finally getting the courage to say, "Your room… It… suits you."

She darted through the door and closed it gently behind her before I could say anything back. I looked around my room now that she was gone and realized just how empty it felt without her in it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for everyone's amazing reviews, and the adds, of course. I hug you all. No more threats. I'm just going to do it now.**

**Thanks to Stratan for being the best beta in the world, and thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading this chapter. I am so nervous about it because um... Well, you'll see. They helped kick my anxious ass into shape.**

* * *

Chapter 13

**Bella**

I studied my reflection in the massive mirror that hung over the sink in Edward's bathroom. The Diet Coke was rinsed out of my hair. The soaked shirt I'd been wearing now lying over the edge of his tub. I still looked the same, albeit tired and a little weathered from all the emotions I had running through me lately. I felt so much differently, though. Like I'd changed in the short time I'd been in Forks, and I knew it had something to do with Edward. He was making me… I didn't know what he was molding me into. I just knew that I liked the girl I had started to become; that I felt whole again.

And like everything, it seemed, it scared me. I had so much going through my mind, so much I wanted to say, but I couldn't seem to figure out how, exactly, to say it. Maybe it was fear of the unknown that kept the words bottled up inside. Fear of what people would think of me after they found out. Fear of Edward's reaction. Because even with all that I knew about him, I wasn't entirely sure how he'd react. He was so volatile. I had no doubt that he meant what he said: that he couldn't be without me. But that was before Maggie. Before I shoved his past down his throat.

With a deep breath, I turned and went back out into his bedroom, expecting Edward to be pacing, chewing on the inside of his cheek, running his hands through his hair awkwardly or something else that was equally comforting to me. To my surprise, he was nowhere to be found. The door had been left open, and I briefly wondered if after our kiss in the kitchen, he'd finally had all he could take and fled, but as I moved down the hall and toward the stairs, I heard music filter through the air. He was doing the exact opposite of running away.

He was letting me see another piece of himself.

Tears sprung to my eyes, and I took a steadying breath as I climbed down the steps, willing for them to stop before I walked into that room. But when I finally found my way through the house and saw him at the large, black baby grand piano…

They came faster.

His hands moved with impossible quickness. His long fingers splayed out over the keys, the stains from his work in the garage contrasting against the perfect ivory. His body swayed as he got lost in the music he created. Clips of the home videos the Carrs had shown me of Maggie playing at their home, at recitals and concerts, flickered in my mind. Until now, I hadn't seen anything other than the color of their eyes that definitively showed they were related. And it turned out that all I needed was to get Edward by the piano. Because they were identical when it came to this one thing.

It broke my heart to know they'd never get to enjoy it together.

The music stopped, and Edward glanced over at me nervously.

I cleared my throat and tried for a smile. "That was pretty. I've never heard it before."

"It's um… That's because I wrote it."

I bit down on my bottom lip hard to distract myself from the need to cry some more. Maggie composed too.

"Bella?"

I went to speak, but the words caught in my throat. All I could think was that if Edward had been given the same opportunities Maggie had been given, he might have chosen a different path. He might not have been interested in becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon, because being shot in that alley in Chicago wouldn't have been a part of his past. He might have let his passion guide him, just like Maggie had. He might've won awards and gotten the prestige—the thrill—Maggie did by performing for so many different people.

But then he'd never be the man standing in front of me, either.

"Play something else," I whispered, crossing the room to sit next to him.

He stared at me for a while, unmoving, before finally letting his hands drift into one of the sweetest melodies I'd ever heard. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, realizing that this was it. I couldn't hold it inside anymore. To do so would not only hurt myself but him as well. This was my opportunity, and if I let it slip away...

Guilt would eat me alive, and then any possibility—however slim—of being with Edward would be destroyed right along with me. I was so attached to this prickly, stubborn, socially awkward, and beautiful man now.

And if I lost him because of this...

I didn't move for a while. I was well aware that the song had ended long ago and that Edward was fidgeting nervously beside me. But I had to gather my strength and steel myself against the harsh words that were bound to come when I finally said...

"Maggie played like this."

His arm tensed beneath my forehead, and so I reluctantly moved away to gauge his reaction.

"How do you know that?" he asked lowly. The look he gave me was wary.

"That's the thing..." My voice wavered, so I took a deep breath to compose myself. I hadn't even uttered the words yet, and already, I was having a hard time dealing with the thought of him going back on every word he said to me.

Because how could he still want to be with the liar, the girl who harbored a piece of his past inside her?

"What thing?" he demanded, scooting further away from me.

"I not only found out Maggie's name, but I... I did research on her. Met her parents."

"You what?" he shouted incredulously. "Why?"

I shrugged because I honestly had no answer for him. I'd simply been driven to. "The Carrs adopted her when she was little. Five. She had blonde hair, green eyes, perfect, creamy skin..."

"Why are you telling me this?"

When I didn't answer, he got mad.

"Bella," he snapped. "What the hell is with you?"

"I... Take me home?"

He let out a sharp breath and looked at the medical journal sitting off to the side. "I need to get that over to Carlisle."

"I know. I need to get back to Charlie. But I-" God, I couldn't form a sentence anymore. "There's something I want you to see."

More skepticism. Not that I could blame him. I was acting strange, even by my standards. I'd always been upfront with him, and now…

Edward's driving was worse when he was agitated, but I was only barely able to register the way he took a turn too sharply or watch the scenery blur as he sped down the narrow road to Charlie's. I was too busy trying to stop my thoughts from jumbling together and come up with a plan. This was not how I'd pictured this happening. I wanted to make copies of everything for him to keep, spend more time working on that letter I'd come home and started after our night on the baseball field together. I still hadn't found the time to learn more about Elizabeth and the terms of Maggie's adoption… how it was that Edward didn't know she existed when a six year old should be more than aware of his sister's sudden disappearance from his life, or why they separated the two of them in the first place.

But I'd have to make do without it.

Edward put the car in park and turned to face me, his face contorted worriedly. "You're… you're fucking freaking me out here, Bella," he said harshly.

I sighed. I was botching this completely. "I know I'm acting weird. And I'm sorry. I need to show you something, though. I promise you'll understand when you see it."

Among other things.

"Okay," he said slowly.

"It's inside."

I silently got out of the car, not bothering to look back at Edward as I made my way to the front door. I was surprisingly able to unlock the door on the first try despite my nerves, and I quickly made my way to my room to grab the file on Maggie, my journal, and all the photos and newspaper clippings I had stashed away, and then bring them back out to the front stoop where Edward was sitting… waiting.

He took in everything I held in my hands with an odd look.

"I- We need to talk," I croaked. "About everything."

He abruptly stood up and took a few steps further away from me. "I see," he said coldly.

"No," I laughed, on the verge of hysteria, "you don't. Nothing you're thinking can even come close to the reality."

"Jesus fucking Christ, just explain it then," he replied, glaring at me.

I thrust the information at him, not knowing what else to do. "I need you to take this and read it. All of it. Everything you need to know is there."

He reluctantly took it out of my hand, gazing at me anxiously. "Why?"

_Jump._

"Because… because Maggie's your sister."

He stiffened, narrowed his eyes. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"She's…" I hiccupped, and a tear escaped my eye. "She's your… your sister."

Another step back. "That shit's not fucking funny, Bella," he snarled.

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

One hand flew up to his hair, sending it all over the place. "What the fuck?" he screamed. The sound bounced off the house, startling me. "You… You're telling me your donor is my sister?"

I could only nod.

"That's impossible. I don't have a fucking sister."

"That's not what her adoption paperwork says," I mumbled, wiping at my eyes.

His face went ashen. "What?" he breathed.

"Edward and Elizabeth Masen were listed as her biological parents."

He let out a strangled sound. I didn't even try to understand the emotion behind it, because there was no way I could ever imagine processing this kind of information if I were him. Not with his past.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I didn't… I couldn't…"

"How long have you known?" he asked, his jaw clenched tightly, his fingers nearly digging into the thick brown leather of the journal.

I didn't answer immediately.

I was such a coward.

"Bella, I swear to fucking God if you don't tell me-"

"I knew she had a brother here. Charlie had to dig to get your name since you were also adopted. I-"

"HOW LONG?" he roared.

I closed my eyes, unable to see his hatred of me when I said the words. "Since the day I got here."

Silence. And I still couldn't look at him.

"I should have known," he said lowly.

My eyes snapped open; the pain in his voice was almost too much for me to stand.

"I should have known you were too good to be true," he continued. "I didn't deserve any of this. I didn't-"

He choked on his words, and I instinctively took a step forward.

"Don't fucking come near me, Bella," he seethed, retreating some more.

I sobbed once. "Edward-"

He held up his hand and shook his head. " _No_ ," he said fiercely.

He spun around and stomped off toward the car, miraculously still holding on to all the information I'd given him.

And I blindly followed.

"Edward," I tried again. "Wait."

But he didn't acknowledge me.

I halfway expected to see him throw everything I'd given him on the ground as he raced to his car, but instead, he merely opened the driver's side door, got in then slammed it so hard behind him that the entire car shook from the force of it. Or maybe it was me. I stood there trembling, unable to tear my eyes away from its darkened windows with the hope that maybe Edward would take a second to thumb through it all, and then get out and talk to me, let me explain. Only that didn't happen at all. The sound of an engine broke me free from all that...  _hope,_  and had me racing over to the passenger's side.

I flung the door open and bent down to see him.

The look on his face tore me apart.

"Shut the goddamned door," he growled.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything at all. Only no sound came out.

"I'm not fucking kidding, Bella. Shut. The. Goddamned. Door." Pause. " _Now."_

I somehow got enough wits about me to obey and shut the door, knowing that he needed time. _I_  needed time. He didn't even bother letting the door close all the way before he had wrenched the car in gear and was backing out of the drive way. The tires squealed loudly as he peeled out on the street, speeding away from me as fast as the engine allowed. My knees buckled as soon as he was out of sight, and I let myself collapse onto the wet ground, because I was so…

Numb.

Stupid.

Naive...

_Me._

* * *

I wasn't sure how long I sat there on the grass before I left to see Charlie at the hospital. I searched the parking lot for Edward's car, but I didn't see it. Not that I thought I would. Just hoping to. I couldn't seem to let that hope go, regardless of his reaction earlier.

Which was the reason I was clinging to my phone like a lifeline.

It took Charlie all of two seconds to realize something was wrong with me. He seemed almost ready to jump out of bed, but thankfully, he thought better of it and straightened up instead.

"What happened?" he asked, his eyes searching me for some kind of reassurance, I was sure.

"Nothing. It's nothing," I responded. "How are you feeling?"

He jerked a shoulder up. "Tired."

I didn't need to say anything back to that. He knew I understood completely. "So what do you want to do when you get out?"

"Eat something other than hospital food," he answered.

"As long as it's not diner food," I countered.

"Bella," he groaned unhappily.

"Dad, I can't... No. It's not happening."

He took in the pleading way I stared at him and nodded once.

"You scared me," I admitted quietly. It was the first time I'd said it in the days that had passed. "If Edward hadn't been there..."

"You would have called the ambulance yourself," he said roughly.

"So people keep telling me," I muttered. But I still didn't believe it.

"Where is Edward, anyway? I haven't seen him in a while."

"Around," I answered petulantly. I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about what had just happened yet.

"Isabella Marie." My eyes snapped up to his in shock; he never used my full name. "I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked him the other night."

I practically gulped. "Which is?"

"What are you doing with him?"

The normal curiosity I would have had about Edward's answer was immensely overshadowed by my panic. I wasn't doing  _anything_  with him. Not anymore. "I don't... I'm not-"

Another annoyed groan stopped any more words I might have been trying to say. "Damn it, Bella. The kid cares for you. And he doesn't know what you have inside you."

I couldn't look at him now. "Uh-"

He mistook my hesitance for something else, and plowed on.

"I've always been so proud of you," he murmured thoughtfully. "You've handled everything that's been thrown at you with such... maturity. Until now. Now... Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in you.

I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat. Charlie had been disappointed in me. Knowing that was so much worse than finding out what anyone else would think of the situation. I realized he was the only person in Forks whose opinion truly mattered to me. With everyone else, I'd deal. Charlie, though…

"I thought when you first started this, it would be what you needed to move on and accept what you'd been given. Maybe finally get a chance to live your life. You were so hell-bent on learning everything about Maggie and her family, so it's not like I would have been able to change your mind or anything. We're alike that way, you know."

"I know," I whispered.

"And then when you found out that her brother lived here… Well, I thought it would be a way to give you what you needed while getting to see you every single morning before you went off to college. But now I… I see what it's doing to you. And I'm trying to let you do it your way, because I know you're capable of getting through this without me. You've never needed me to baby you.

"But you're miserable. You've been miserable since you started getting closer to Edward. And as your parent, all I want for you is to be happy."

"Why are you giving me this speech now, Dad? Why not before I had any kind of relationship with Edward?"

"Because I'm trying here," he said gruffly. "You of all people should understand why."

It seemed like everyone was saying things like that to me these days.

But he was right. I did. There was something about near death experiences that made you want to right all your wrongs. It was partially the reason why I'd entertained the idea of finding out who my donor was in the first place. Maybe if Maggie had any wrongs, I could help set them right. If only I'd realized then that the only wrong in Maggie's life was that she didn't know of Edward's existence.

I might've bailed before I had a chance to get wrapped up in the task.

_Too late now._

"Anyway, as I was saying, falling in love with your donor's brother is only going to end up in disaster."

I scoffed, "I don't love him."

I was met with a long, hard look of disbelief.

"I don't even know him," I continued. "Not really."

"Bella, you think not knowing something trivial like what city someone was born in or how they butter their toast in the morning makes any difference at all? You love the person for what those facts and details about their life made them become. Not the facts themselves."

I opened my mouth a few times, and then finally snapped it closed. Charlie was right. This was the reason why I felt so different now, why I felt whole when before, I'd been missing...  _something._  That something was Edward. I just hadn't known it yet.

So I shook my head mutely, afraid that if I said anything at all, I'd confess the truth.

I was in love with Edward Cullen. I loved his laugh, his smile, his anger, the pieces of his story he'd let me see... I loved how he made me feel, how lost I was when he kissed me, and how he stole my breath with just a glance. He'd helped my father without even trying, simply because it was a part of who he is and because I was somehow important to him.

I was insanely lucky to have been important to him, even if it ended up being only for that brief amount of time.

"It doesn't matter now," I said softly, looking down at my hands at my lap.

"What? Why not?"

"Because I just told him."

"About Maggie?"

I nodded, my chin trembling with the urge to cry. No more tears, though, I promised myself. I could get through this. Just like I got through everything.

He didn't say anything for a while, and I thought it was probably because there was nothing for him  _to_ say.

Then he surprised me and laughed.

"What is so funny?" I asked angrily. I went to get up off the bed, but was pulled back down by my father's hand.

"You let me go into this huge speech about telling him, when you already did. It's just…" He laughed more and shook his head.

"Yeah, well, you sounded like you'd practiced it a lot. Figured I might as well let you get it out," I muttered.

"You're right," he chuckled. "I rehearsed it all day long."

"Could you stop laughing now?" I glowered at him, causing him to smartly school his expression.

"Okay, okay," he relented. "What happened to make you tell him now?"

"He was playing the piano…" I saw the knowing look flicker across Charlie's face and nodded again. "So I made him take me home and gave him everything I had on Maggie. It was ridiculous, really. But how are you supposed to say something like that?"

"How'd he take it?"

I shook my head in response.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, baby."

With that one term of endearment, I couldn't take trying to be strong anymore. I broke down and sobbed, almost flinging myself at my poor, unsuspecting father.

And he simply let me. I'd never been more thankful for him than I was at that very moment.

Eventually, I drew in a shuddering breath and tried to wipe some of the snot off of my face. I was sure I looked pathetic. "What did I do?"

"The best you could," he replied. "Did he take everything you gave him?"

"Yeah," I sniffled. "I was shocked. I figured with as mad as he was he'd have thrown it in a puddle or something."

Then it crossed my mind that maybe he was so angry he didn't realize he still had it all in his hand.

My stomach dropped. I didn't want to lose all of that too.

Turns out, I wasn't a coward at all. I was a selfish bitch.

"Give him time. He… just needs to process it."

I nodded and buried my face against his chest wanting so badly to believe him.

But I couldn't.

Something deep in my gut told me that it could never be that easy.

xx

Hours drifted by.

I sat in that hospital room with Charlie, my eyes roaming to the door instead of staying focused on the TV in front of us. I shifted and looked out the window, thinking that maybe I'd see his Volvo pull into the lot somewhere. I even got my hopes up a few times as a glimpse of silver caught my eyes. But the cars were always wrong. Wrong make. Wrong model. Wrong driver.

I glanced down at my phone again.

Nothing.

Still.

But I couldn't let go of it. Not yet. I'd held onto my phone all day long.

Just in case.

Hoped for some kind of…  _acknowledgment_ from Edward, praying that I still had a chance.

"Bella?"

I stopped bouncing long enough to look at Charlie. "Hmm?"

"It's only been a few hours. Give the kid a break."

"But I-"

" _Hours_ ," he repeated. "Go home. Get some sleep."

I tried to argue again.

He cut me off before I could.

"I'll see you in the morning."

xx

I was startled awake by the sound of my window creaking open. I shot up into a sitting position and blinked, pulling in a shaky breath at the figure coming through it. At first, I wondered how I'd managed to fall asleep at all. It seemed like once I lied down, my anxiousness grew. I tossed, tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach and the burn in my chest. I tried to shut off my brain, but I just kept imagining different scenarios, over and over, loop after loop.

And then I snapped out of it.

"Hey," I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

I was met with silence.

I reached over and flipped on the light, fighting tears as soon as I saw Edward's face. So much rage and sadness was in his eyes, but his face was the perfect mask of indifference I'd seen when I first arrived.

The message was clear.

He'd shut me out entirely.

I'd screwed up any chance I might've had with him.

And now he wanted nothing to do with me.

I glanced down at my hands, watching my fingers twist nervously. I couldn't help myself. To look at him would make me truly break down and cry.

I'd made such a mess of everything.

"You're quitting your job," he gritted out. "Effective immediately."

"What? No, I can't quit my job!" I argued. "I need the money. Especially now, after…"

He glanced away. "Tell someone who gives a fuck. I don't want you around me or my family. So you're not coming back."

As much as his words hurt, it didn't escape me that he couldn't look at me when he said it, and I knew him too well now to fall for it.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't give a fuck," I returned.

His furious eyes found mine at once. "I don't give a fuck," he said, enunciating every word to get his point across.

"Liar."

"Takes one to know one, doesn't it?" he sneered.

"I never lied to you," I replied. "Ever. And you know it."

"Oh, so then I was just some game to you. Fuck with the donor's pathetic brother to get your kicks?"

"No, Edward… Everything I have ever said to you… Every stupid smile—kiss—was because I wanted it. I want you. I'll  _always_  want you."

"Yeah, well, I don't want you."

I couldn't stop the tears with that.

"Why?" I asked. "Because I couldn't figure out how to tell you? Because I didn't want," I gestured between us, "this to happen? Because I knew how you'd react and I was terrified of it? Did you even bother reading anything I gave you?"

"No. I'm not interested in anything you give me, Bella," he seethed. And then he did something unexpected.

He sat down at the foot of my bed.

"You represent everything I hate about myself. You… To look at you is going to-" He stopped, and I almost thought I heard him let out a sob. " _Break_  me."

"So would you rather I have died?" I asked flatly. "Then you wouldn't have to literally come face to face with your past that way, right?"

His entire body whipped around toward me, his eyes glassy. "No," he breathed.

"Then I don't understand," I cried. "It's not just me who wanted this."

"I can't fucking do it. You've dragged every fucking memory I have of that place out and I feel like… like I'm drowning in it. I don't want… I can't…"

He shook his head and abruptly stood.

"You didn't think about what this was like for me once today, did you?" I asked stupidly, immediately regretting how horrible it sounded the second it came out of my mouth.

"The fuck?" he shouted. "Think about you, the girl who lied to me all this time?"

"We already went over this," I ground out. "I did not lie to you."

"Fine, whatever. You didn't lie." He paused as his thoughts took another turn. "I told you shit, Bella. I fucking- God damn it, and now you tell me I should have thought about you on the day the bottom fell out on me? My... mother turned out to be even more of a-"

He didn't finish. Instead, he grabbed a little, white figurine that had sat on my nightstand collecting dust since I was a child and launched it at the wall with a feral sound. It shattered against the wall, dust and pieces sprinkling the carpet as it fell apart. I was almost sure it had been something I'd been given by my grandmother. But staring over at it, I couldn't seem to find the will to care that it was gone.

"I know you think I'm the lowest form of shit right now, Edward," I whispered.

"You've got that fucking right," he growled.

I didn't let his interruption deter me. "But do you have any idea how hard this has been for me? That maybe, just maybe, I didn't want any of this? You think I wanted to have this fucking heart condition and then get a transplant? That I wanted to meet you…? To… to…"

"To what, Bella?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"To fall in love with you, damn it."

_Oh, shit._

Something primal flashed in his eyes with my words, and before I knew it, he was in my face, looming over me. His breathing was ragged; his eyes bore into mine, seeking truth. His fist pounded on the headboard, shaking the entire bed, and I let out a little squeak of fear at the flash of movement, knowing I was trapped… that I'd caused his temper to finally flare out of control.

But I knew he wouldn't hurt me, no matter how angry he was at that second.

"Fuck," he shouted before dropping his head with a groan. He shuddered and closed his eyes, his hands gripping the headboard so tightly it made a groaning sound, and I could tell he was working to calm himself and think about what I'd just admitted.

So I let him. At this point, there was only his rejection standing in the way. And I was fairly sure I was going to get that no matter what I said.

"You can't-" he eventually said. "I'm such... shit."

"I do," I whispered. I took a chance and shifted beneath him to put my hands on his chest, over his pounding heart. He flinched hard, but never moved, causing me to realize that whatever was going on with him was bigger than Maggie, me. Something else kept holding him back.

"I do," I repeated. "Because you're not shit. You're a fucking hypocrite."

"How the fuck am I a hypocrite, Bella?" he asked sharply, pulling in a heavy breath.

"Because you can't give me all of yourself, when I've risked losing you to give you the only thing I've ever held back: this stupid fucking muscle in my chest. I've told you all my secrets, yet you still hold something inside. Why?"

We sat there like that, silent, for what felt like hours, neither of us moving, talking... breathing.

And then his eyes found mine, softened ever so slightly, and my breath caught in my throat. "I hate that you're so perceptive."

"You don't. But whatever."

He rasped out something barely passable for a laugh and changed positions, settling onto the bed next to me.

More silence.

And then a sigh. I didn't know which one of us it came from.

"It wasn't bullshit when I said I couldn't look at you the same way."

"I know."

"I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm too…"

"I know," I said again.

He nodded.

"So where does that leave us?" I whispered, even though I already knew. Nothing I did or said would make a difference to Edward right now. He needed more than just me. More than what I knew to give him. And I didn't have the slightest clue how to help him find it.

"Nowhere, Bella. It leaves us fucking nowhere."


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing, and thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading.**

**Oh, I almost forgot. To everyone who asked: Yes, this is HEA. I swear. :)**

* * *

Chapter 14

**Edward**

I rubbed my thumb over my lighter, staring at the stack of shit Bella had given me sitting in the passenger's seat. No way was I looking at it. No way was I reliving the fucking nightmare that had been my life in Chicago. No way was I seeing how my  _sister_  managed to live a life after her escape, while I was forced into one that would forever change me.

Ruin me.

I grabbed a cigarette out of the pack I'd bought before heading over to the garage. It was such a simple thing, really, but it held more meaning than anyone could imagine. Did I light it, smoke it, and go back to the way I was before? Or did I stay this... this... human-esque man that Bella Swan had created.

Loved.

"Fuck," I mumbled, slipping the cigarette between my lips so that I could drag my hands through my hair in frustration.

She loved me. She did what no one else ever had. She saw me for who I was, even when my guard was standing strong against her. Her words wrecked me, completed me, and thrilled me all at once. They caused more emotion than I was able to bear, and I thought I might... Well, I thought my pussy ass might just cry with her admission.

Because never in my life did I think I'd hear it from someone outside my family.

But she was a liar, a fake, so the sentiment meant nothing now. The Bella Swan I knew was a myth, something I desperately sought out when my memories tormented me because she soothed the ache and provided a distraction. She'd fooled me into thinking that I could make something of myself, us. Except every word that had come from her mouth wasn't real.  _She_  wasn't real.

If only that were true.

The truth was that  _Bella_  wasn't the issue at all. It was me, and all my bullshit. As always, she'd seen me for what I really was, and known that there was so much more of my past that I wasn't letting go. She was never a liar. That descriptor was reserved for me and me alone. She was simply... Fuck, every strange interaction, every moment I questioned something she did or said, made perfect sense now. Every time she mentioned something about a someone else in the future, the next girl, made sense. She'd always known that I wouldn't be able to look at her the same way again.

And yet she'd gotten close to me anyway.

She was quite possibly the bravest girl I'd ever known.

Or the stupidest. I hadn't decided yet.

She was here because of a girl whose mere existence hurt me. The heart I'd once revered because it kept  _my_  amazing girl alive was now something I despised. I couldn't even think about it without feeling resentment and anger pounding through me. Maggie had a good life. Maggie was special.

Maggie was everything I had been denied.

Maggie was  _normal_.

So that was that, then. I'd found someone who meant something to me, who - unbelievably - wanted me back, yet I couldn't stand to be with her anymore. Touch her.

Fate fucking hated me. So I decided to tell fate, and Bella, "fuck you" in my own, personal way...

I reached up to light the cigarette, unconcerned with the fact that this would be the first time I ever smoked in my car, and stopped when the back door of the garage was flung open.

Emmett came storming out, and if I had one guess as to why he was suddenly so pissed off at me, I'd guarantee it had something to do with Bella. Because my selfishness knew no bounds. I was putting Emmett in a bind by taking away one of his employees.

The guilt stung. But not enough to take back those words I'd said to her last night.

There was no way I could handle being trapped in the same building with her day after day. What I'd felt before, the anxiety and apprehension, couldn't compare to how I felt now. I knew how wonderful Bella Swan was. I'd shared a part of myself that I'd never shared with anyone else before with her... felt what it was like to have that connection with someone. I knew what it felt like to touch her, taste her... hold her.

And now I knew what it was like to have it all taken away.

He yanked my car door open forcefully, causing me to arch my brow and stare up at him in annoyance.

"Rip it off the hinges during this little hissy fit, and I'll kick your ass before I make you fix it," I said evenly, hiding all the turmoil inside me.

"What the fu-?" Emmett's blue eyes widened when he saw the cigarette between my lips. He crushed it as he jerked it out of my mouth and threw it on the ground. "What the fuck did you do?"

"Don't know what you mean."

"Bella just fucking quit!" he yelled. "No notice, nothing. She just quit! And you're out here smoking. So I repeat: What the fuck did you do?"

"Ah," I said bitterly. "It's not what  _I_  did, Em. It's what  _she_  did. Of course, she had us all fooled into thinking she was this wide-eyed, innocent girl. So I suppose I shouldn't blame you for taking her side over mine. If I didn't know the truth, I might have done the same."

I was surprised that the blasphemy flowed from my lips so easily.

Too bad Emmett didn't buy into it.

"Bullshit," he growled. "That's fucking bullshit and you know it."

"Is it?" I asked blandly. "You know her heart? The one she got oh... What was it? Ten months ago?"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"It was my sister's."

His mouth dropped in shock. "That's... impossible."

"She says it's not. And before you ask; yes, she knew the whole time."

His brows knit as he thought about that. "You don't know for sure, though?"

"Know what?" Jesus, I had way too much going on in my head. I couldn't even follow a simple conversation.

"That the um, the donor is your sister? Wouldn't Mom and Dad have all that kind of stuff and told you about it?"

"You'd think," I muttered. That was something else I was going to have to find out. If Carlisle and Esme hid this for me for any amount of time... I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to forgive them.

I stopped thinking about it because it only pissed me off, and made me want to destroy anything I could get my hands on. My Volvo was the closest thing to me, and even though I had no earlier qualms about smoking in it, I at least had the fucking wits not to  _ruin_ something that important... or expensive.

But all that anger was on the surface. I had no idea what this other feeling that lingered beneath it was, something that hadn't quite come to fruition since I didn't have all the facts yet.

"Supposedly, the paperwork's all there." I pointed to the stack of books and files with a snarl. "I just have to read it."

"So read it," he answered simply.

"No." I paused, a sudden thought crossing my mind. "In fact, I think I'll burn it. All of it."

He reached over me and snatched it all up before I could even think about grabbing it for myself. "The fuck you will. It's not your shit. If you're not going to give her enough credit to read it, then you're going to at least give it back to her."

I simply glared up at him. "Credit, Emmett? What the hell for?"

"For being Liberty," he answered. "For getting under your skin and changing you into someone we can all stand to be around now. Who cares about the reasons she had for coming here in the first place. You waited your whole life for her. And you're going to just let her walk away like this?"

I refused to listen to that. I didn't wait my whole life for Bella. I didn't  _need_ Bella. Not before she came to Forks, and certainly not now.

"We're done here," I said, getting up out of the car and pushing past him.

He grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back, throwing me up against the Volvo. I winced, but stared back at him defiantly.

"Why? Because it's true?"

"No, because..." I huffed and shoved him away from me. Surprisingly, he let me go, and silently watched me pace the asphalt beside him.

"What, Edward?" The way his voice wavered had my eyes darting up to meet his. "Talk to me. I'm so fucking tired of you shutting me out. We all are."

Shit, I'd never seen Emmett so... exposed before.

"All?" I croaked.

He nodded. I didn't have to ask him who "all" entailed. I already knew.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping that by not looking at him, I could find the words to explain the way I felt.

"I... I don't know if I can do it, Em. Get over it, I mean. She fucking... I loved that scar on her chest.  _Loved_  it," I repeated. "It represented everything she'd gone through and how strong she was. And it was a... Fucking hell, it was a physical reminder of the fact that she needed me. No one's ever needed me like that before. Not even you and Jazz, with all your shit."

When he didn't speak, I took a chance and kept going. I wanted to climb back into the Volvo and retreat into myself again, but if Bella had taught me anything, it was to not shy away from things like I had before. Because saying the words out loud weren't really all that different from the knowledge to begin with.

I blinked with that, and wondered if maybe...

"She was the first person I thought really understood me," I told him, ignoring it, "other than Mom. And now... Now all I can think of when I see that scar is of how jealous I am. That Maggie might not be here anymore, but she was happy while she was. She got out. Our fucking bullshit parents kept me in that hell and gave her a life, and the fucked up state of Illinois just  _let_ them. So now I keep asking myself: why didn't I deserve the same thing?"

He thrust Bella's journal at me. "You don't know if any of that is true because you won't look at this."

"Emmett-"

"What are you afraid of?" he asked. "You just said that she was happy and had the life you didn't. That she was adopted... When?"

"When she was five," I mumbled, glancing over at the pack of cigarettes in my car. Christ, I needed one just to have something to do with myself.

"Ok, so she was adopted when she was five, and got all the perks that came with it. Before you. So what's the difference between knowing it and reading it? Are the specifics really going to change the way you feel about it?"

"I-"

"Furthermore," he said, flashing his dimples with my dumbfounded expression.

"Furthermore?" I interrupted. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I am. It sounds good, though, yeah?"

I almost laughed. Almost.

"So anyway, as I was saying, the only thing that could really change is your opinion of Bella."

"How... Why's that?"

"Because if you read this, you will see every waking thought Bella has ever had about this situation. You'll see her for who she really is. But I think you already do..." He trailed off with a shrug.

As much as I wanted to punch him for being Bella Swan's advocate, he was, unfortunately, also being the voice of reason. When it came to Bella, my emotions were all over the place, distorted and confusing. Magnified. They blinded me, and I was never really going to know what Bella's true intentions were unless I spoke to her - which was highly fucking unlikely since I couldn't even stand the sight of her right now - or read all the information she'd given me.

But no matter how hard I stared at what sat in Emmett's hands, I couldn't force myself to reach over and take anything from him.

"Do you know how much I hate you sometimes?" I finally sighed. I bent over and grabbed the pack of cigarettes, pitching it toward the trashcan by the door. There was no way I could light up a smoke, thanks to Bella. And that... that pissed me off even more, because before her, it had been my one vice; the one thing I let myself do in the midst of all the anxiety over my family's history. Because who really cared if I had a measly nicotine addiction when I was able to avoid wanting anything else?

And yet even through this betrayal - because I'd finally recognized that feeling brewing inside me - I still wanted to be good.  _Good enough._  For her.

"Why, because I'm hot as fuck and have a badass IQ to boot?"

I snorted. "Keep dreaming, jackass."

He tossed all that information past me and back into the car. "Don't be a moron. That's all I'm saying."

"Fine," I huffed. "I'll... I'll try."

"Okay, then." He turned back toward the door. "Hey, Eddie?"

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes at him. "What?"

"Go home. You're not welcome in my garage for a while."

* * *

I drove to the Third Beach trailhead and pulled over to the side of the road. I sat in my Volvo until the sun started to rise. I couldn't sleep. Not because of all the nightmares I dreaded like usual, but because of everything else. Or more simply put,  _someone_  else.

The air was thick with morning fog as I walked those seven miles to Falls Creek. This was where Carlisle and I came those first few months after I'd been adopted. He'd tried to let me adjust to my new life while simultaneously forcing me to exercise my weakened body. And I'd hated him for it. Then again, I'd have hated him for anything. I was scared as hell. Scared of the new life they'd given me. Scared of Elizabeth coming to her senses and taking me away from the...  _good_  I'd found in the Cullens. Scared of healing. Of high school. Of my adopted brothers. Of everything.

But it wasn't fear I let them see. I pretended to be angry while I adjusted. I distanced myself from everyone new around me wielding my anger as a weapon. I was good at pretending. It'd saved me from being thrown in some disease-infested home back in Chicago. And back then, that had been the most important thing - staying out of the system. No matter how shitty my life had become, I had my independence. That independence was what kept me going after I'd freed myself from Aro. A home would have taken that, and nearly everything else, away from me, and then... I'd have surely died in that hospital, no longer having anything to my name at all.

Carlisle and Esme knew that I needed that independence when they found me, promising to give it to me in ways I never thought possible. Eventually, I saw how cheated I'd been, and I became bitter and resentful toward Elizabeth, my absent fucking father... Toward Aro and every social worker who'd come to my mother's shithole apartment building to check on some other kid and still, somehow, didn't see my life for what it really was.

So the anger became real, and I worked to barricade everyone out, my new family included. Because if I never let them in to begin with, they couldn't hurt me like everyone else had.

Only they'd managed to weasel their way into my bruised heart at some point. And to this day, I couldn't honestly figure out when it'd happened.

It'd taken weeks before that skinny kid was finally healed enough to be able to make it to the falls. I'd instantly loved it, though I was too fucked up and lost in my own head to truly realize it. By the time my vision cleared, I was too used to the green of this environment to really appreciate it for what it was. And I'd never really gotten a chance to see it the way an inexperienced, fourteen year old kid should.

Until Bella.

I shook my head in an effort to stop rehashing the past again, instead focusing on... Well, on not fucking falling and twisting an ankle or some shit on my way up the trail. It didn't take me as long to get to my destination as the last time I'd hiked these woods; I was missing a vital piece of what had made the falls finally come alive for me. Bella was nowhere in sight, likely curled up in bed like everyone else in this town. She would never walk this trail with me again. I'd never see her admire the plants, stumble over a rock. I'd never see her smile as she looked at the falls... Never feel her against me as we climbed to the top.

I came closer to the falls and abruptly stopped, dragging in a loud breath as I gazed around. I shouldn't have come here. It was such a bad fucking idea to come back to where it all really started. I wasn't sure why I thought I could stand next to the creek and not see Bella in every part of these woods, not ache. I wanted to go back and feel her lying against me again, kiss her...

Then I remembered whose heart she had and why I wasn't currently on speaking terms with her, and all that want - that joy - faded away, and I was left feeling much like I had before she'd come into my life: angry and bitter, a shell of the man she'd made me, once more.

I dropped down and put my hands in the creek, cringing as the cold water drifted over them. Ever the one for endured suffering, I splashed the water on my face and shivered convulsively as the chill from it ran through my body. Then repeated the process all over again.

"This place is just as nice as I remembered it. It's a shame I don't get to come here with your father more often."

Startled at my mother's voice, I lost my balance and nearly fell into the creek. I managed to right myself just before I tumbled into the icy water and stood up quickly, glaring back at her.

"Jesus Christ, Mom," I grumbled. "What are you doing here?"

"Emmett called," she explained.

"Fuck," I cursed, dragging my wet hands through my hair.

"Edward," she admonished gently. But I knew she expected no less from me.

"What did he tell you?"

"Just that something was going on with you. But I had already figured that out."

"How? I've hardly seen you guys in the last couple of days."

"Exactly."

I blinked wordlessly.

Then she smiled at me and the delusion of secrecy shattered.

"I'm fine," I growled.

Her brows shot up but she let me step onto a boulder at the edge of the creek without a word, waiting for me to... Hell, I didn't know what she was waiting for, and I was too disoriented to try to figure it out.

My hands fidgeted nervously at my side as I stared down at the water below me and tried to figure out where to begin. We were alone, so I decided now was the time to talk to her about it. Only, I didn't know how to broach the subject of Bella's donor with either of my parents without becoming completely and irrationally enraged, and that was something I was quickly realizing that I didn't want to do anymore. While they were used to my inability to communicate and the sudden outbursts, it didn't change the fact that I was now seeing them for what they truly were. Absurd. Useless. The rantings of a boy who'd bottled up his thoughts and emotions until they spewed out of him like an erupting volcano. Being with Bella had forced me to talk, share, because - unbelievably - I'd  _wanted_ her to know me. And even though I was no longer with her, I couldn't deny the fact that I'd been happier in the days since telling her a part of my history.

Or it could've just been from the girl herself. A deep seated part of me seemed to long for her, obvious by all the times I'd lamented over not being able to touch her already.

Christ, I was screwed. No matter how angry I was at the situation, I fucking missed her, and it'd only been a couple of days. I wasn't sure how I'd make it my whole life without her.

And then I reminded myself that I hadn't given myself enough time to even attempt it, much less live it. But I still I hated having that knee-jerk reaction. To have it meant that I was undecided, that my feelings were clouding my reasoning; that my fucking heart still wanted to be with her, no matter how much my brain refused it.

And I was so goddamned sick of being torn up about life.

Esme's fingers wrapped around my arm, stopping my ridiculous movements. I held my breath, bracing for the panic that always came from an outsider's touch. But it didn't come, of course. This was Esme; she was one of the two people in this world who knew it wouldn't bother me at that moment.

And so my thoughts drifted to Bella again.

"Honey," she said softly, "you seem... off."

I nodded. It was all I could come up with as a response. Although,  _off_ was definitely not the right word to describe me.

Miserable, maybe, did what I felt more justice.

"Because of Bella," she deduced.

I merely nodded again.

"Did you two break up?"

I scoffed. "We weren't exactly dating in the first place."

"Weren't you?"

"I-" I snapped my mouth shut, deciding not to answer that. I'd never really considered what we looked like on the outside. We'd never labeled ourselves or promised each other anything. We simply were. Saying that aloud seemed... stupid, though.

"Can I... Can I ask you something?" I said instead.

"You can ask me anything. You know that."

I nodded. Fuck, I was like a bobblehead today or something. "Did you... Did you ever see that journal Bella wrote in?"

"No," Esme said slowly. I glanced up at her just in time to see her give me a quick, wary look.

At that second, I was betting she hated her ability to read me so well.

"I have it."

Silence.

"In the car," I continued. "With a bunch of other stuff she gave me. I'm not sure what it all is, really."

She still didn't speak, waiting patiently for me to be the one to talk.

So I forced myself to. It didn't escape me that I was getting better at it, but I saved the analysis for later. I could figure it out some other day. Maybe discuss it with Dr. Banner or something.

Because I was still going to therapy, apparently.

"Bella wants me to... She wants me to read it."

"That's something awfully personal for her to share," she baited.

A bitter sound rose out of me. "No shit."

She gave me a sharp look, silently reprimanding me. Seemed I only got one pass when it came to my language today.

"Sorry." I inhaled sharply. "I don't know why I'm even asking. It's not like you're going to tell me-"

"Don't presume to know what I would and wouldn't tell you," Esme interrupted harshly. My eyes shot up to hers, and I instantly realized how annoyed she was with my behavior. Not that I could blame her. Getting better at talking didn't really mean much. I still had trouble finding the words.

Old habits die hard and all that shit.

"You're my son," she said emphatically. "I'll tell you anything. Always. Same with your father."

I nearly laughed. "Right. Because Carlisle can definitely disregard HIPAA laws."

Large, confused brown eyes stared back at me. But as pretty as my mother's eyes were, they didn't have the same effect that Bella's eyes did.

No one's would, of that I was sure.

Fuck.

"What is this about?" Esme finally demanded. "Why would your father need to give you any kind of information about his patients?"

I didn't answer, and Esme's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Or should I be asking what it is that your father could tell you about Bella?"

"Because..." I dragged my hands through my hair and gazed over at the waterfall. "Ah, fuck. Bella's heart donor is my biological sister. Maggie... something. I don't know what her last name is; I didn't bother looking."

"What?" she gasped. "How would Bella know something like that?"

"She made the chief look her up because... God, I don't even know why. I guess... I guess I just need to know if you two knew."

She seemed speechless, so I repeated myself.

"If ever, at any time in my life, did you or Dad know I had a sister?" I asked, locking my eyes with hers.

And it was then that  _I_ knew. She'd had no idea about any of it. Neither of them did.

"How the fuck did this happen then?" I demanded. "How did Bella find this out if I didn't know...? If I don't have any...?"

Shit, I couldn't breathe. I stumbled back to the shore and collapsed on the ground, staring up at the canopy of trees above us and pushing myself back into the past. Surely, I could remember a blonde haired little sister tagging along behind me just once. Or maybe she'd been older...

Only I couldn't remember anyone other than me living in that apartment with Elizabeth. Nor could I ever remember Elizabeth having photos of Maggie anywhere in the little black lacquered box that held those of my father.

It was like her life as a Masen never fucking existed.

"You know you're going to have to just talk to her," she said, reading me perfectly. "It's on your record somewhere, because Charlie Swan found it."

"Why didn't you find it?"

"Because Elizabeth never said anything. And we weren't looking. We just wanted you, Edward," she said softly, "before you were released from hospital care and without a home again."

"It doesn't matter."

"Are you saying that you wouldn't have wanted to know about her?"

I shook my head.

"You still don't want to know about her?" she pressed.

I honestly didn't know anymore. I shied away from the thought of anything to do with Maggie, but at the same time...

Something drew me to her. Maybe that had been part of the reason I could never stay away from Bella. Because of-

Shit, I didn't like that theory one bit. So I immediately discounted it. Bella was Bella. I didn't like her because of some creepy connection with a dead sister.

It was innate curiosity. Anyone would feel it.

Except, it still wasn't enough to go back to the chief's and take her in my arms again.

"I can't talk to Bella about it. I can't even..." I trailed off, hearing how my voice cracked and scowled.

"Edward, I love you. But you're entirely too stubborn for your own good. At least I know how to choose my battles."

I glowered over at her, and then squeezed my eyes closed. She was so fucking right. It was pride that kept me from looking at Bella's journal. Pride that kept me from pushing everything aside, taking her in my arms, and striving to make something of myself with her. Curious or not, I didn't have to know anything about Maggie. Ever. If requested, Bella would never utter her name in my presence. She'd do anything I asked of her...

Because she loved me.

And still, I couldn't swallow it down.

"God damn it," I nearly shouted, feeling a sudden urge to pound at the ground with my fists.

Esme was at my side in an instant, staying just far away from me that she didn't physically touch me. "Come on. We need to get back. I invited your brother and Rosalie over for dinner. We could use a family dinner, I think."

I huffed and went to stand, careful not to knock her down in the process. Dinner with my brother was probably not the best idea given his request for me to stay away for a while, but I kept that to myself. It wasn't like it would do any good; you couldn't expect to argue with my mother and win. She was right. She chose her battles well.

Besides, I was a shit, like I'd said a thousand times before. I'd take whatever abuse he gave out.

"So why'd you let me come all the way out here in the first place?"

She shrugged. "You looked like you needed to unwind."

Fuck if that wasn't an understatement.

As soon as we got off the trail, I headed over to my Volvo, my heart pounding harder with every step I took. Esme's white Mercedes was parked just behind it, so I hurried and opened the passenger's side door and grabbed what Bella had given me before she reached her own car.

Before I lost my nerve.

"Take it and tell me what you think," I rushed. "Please."

Esme gingerly took the items from my hand, shuffling them around, and then handing me back the leather bound journal.

"Um... Mom?"

"I want nothing to do with that," she answered, opening the file folder. "I have a feeling there are things in there that would embarrass Bella. And as much as you might hate her right now, I still like her."

I growled, "The fuck? Isn't your loyalty supposed to be to your son?"

"Don't be so dramatic," she said, pinning me with a level stare. "She's a sweet girl, and she makes you smile. Anyone capable of that kind of miracle deserves... Gosh, I don't know. Nothing I can think of seems sufficient."

"Was I really that fucking bad?" I asked, completely disgusted by this conversation.

Esme buried her nose in the file, choosing not to answer me.

But it was answer enough.

Silence stretched on as she studied up on Maggie. Her lips moved with the occasional sentence she read, and she smiled at what looked like pictures stuck to a page. I moved back some so I couldn't accidentally-on-purpose see any of it, and started rocking on my heels anxiously.

She took fucking forever.

"Carr," she eventually stated, holding everything back out to me. "Maggie's last name was Carr."

I reluctantly took the file and photo album from her, biting down on the inside of my cheek as I stared down at it.

"Her whole life's in there," Esme continued. "She was really... something. You should be proud."

Maggie's information abruptly slipped from my fingers.

I didn't bother picking it up. Because how in the hell did Esme expect me to be  _proud_ of  _her?_

Esme sighed and bent over to retrieve it for me. "Take your time with this, Edward. Make sure what you decide is right for you."

I blinked once, and then let my eyes slide back up to hers.

"And no matter what that decision is, we'll all understand. Even Bella."


End file.
